I had no reaction that my grandma died. Like really none. Honestly, I think will kill myself when my relatives are dead. And no one of them will be there to mourn. My gift to them is that they won't know that I killed myself because of them.
My uncle denied my grandma a reconciliation before her death. Well I didn't do that. It felt horrible to me but I tried to show her that I loved her but it made me so fucking uncomfortable. I tried to give her a good death. Though, the circumstances she died were horrible.
I went through so much shit because of them. No one of them intervened when I was abused regularly as little child. All of them looked away. And lied about it when I was older.
And I am reminded what they did to every almost every single second when I am alive. It is true they changed. But these scars will never heal. My mom sort of begged me to go to an event with her, my sister and the bf of my sister. I replied no under no circumstances. I hate family events.
My mom is even concerned about the health of my dad. More than me. They are divorced. And usually she emphasizes how much she dislikes him. He goes through hell currently. A part of me thinks he sort of derserves it. There is a huge difference for me and I here have to emphasize this. I don't want that my family feels pain. I try to make their life easier. I try to help them despite my limited resources. But we are in a lot of trouble. And I am probably in the most trouble. And when they get a glimpse of which hell hole they put me into...well if I could change it I would change it. I would make their pain go away. But a part of me thinks they also sort of deserve it. I think my dad could die in the next years consdering how fast he is deterorating. He is in the position that I will be in when my mom is dead. He cannot live alone. He is unable to sustain himself. It was suggested he should go to an assisted living. He had to visit it and he told me he was shocked by the conditions there. Well dad that's my future. This is the choice I will have. And theoretically I had to live there way longer than you. There is sort of no way around going there for him. He often told me people who kill themselves are idiots and he also joked to me when I was a child about a German nationa goalkeeper who jumped in front of a train.
Well dad I am not pressuring you. But you did that with me in college. My whole family kept pushing further and further this road. Despite the fact I had to abuse benzodiazepines to cope with the stress. And even after I almost killed myself he kept pressuring me to start with college again. With talks about my future. Despite the fact I told him millions of times I don't have a future. I know I should not judge him to hard. It is obvious he is a moron.
Since this happened with my therapist I am way more determined to go through with my plan to commit suicide. I don't want to be dependent on a system that abused me and then the institutions that should protect my rights mock me for being hurt over it. I am disgusted by these people. But I also have the feeling this would sort of mean letting them win. Eventually I think I cannot change it though.
I think my psychiatrist realizes that my suicidality has become more serious after the actions of my therapist. And she is also sort of shocked because she knows the truth that my therapist intentionally lied. It is good I have her on my side. I think her words are more impacful than the lies of my therapist. I think and hope that the impact of these lies is limited if I play my hand correctly.
Though, the loss of confidence in the system is severe and maybe lethal for me. And I think it is so damaged that the damage is hard to repair. The problem is it increased my hypervigilance and paranoia when actually a real betrayal happens. I don't want to go mental hospitals because I had to explain which impact the actions of my therapist had. Then I had to defend myself over filing a complaint. Then there would be doubts whether you can trust my words. And clinic stays are sort of overwhelming for me. I tend to become paranoid at the beginning of clinic stays. They also prohibit me to take my emergency medication as I need it. So it would hurt me a lot if these people didn't believe me. And this experience would not repair my trust in the system. If they write in the clinic reports he is paranoid about his therapist then my hand became even worse.
I think others should try therapy and clinic stays. I think though in my life I came to the point where I think enough is enough. Clinic stays helped me in the past. And therapy sort of educated me. But for now I work with chatGPT. Lol. I mean i am with my back against the wall anyway. I just think I have to postpone my suicide as long as my mom lives. And we ain't a healthy family. I wish I could send this text to chatGPT but I had to censor so much about my suicidality that it is was way too much work.
And the last (involuntary) clinic stay was a nightmare anyway. Where a woman committed suicide. I don't really want to go back to a clinic. I just hope I keep my benefits. But so much shit happens in my country they want to take the money of people like me. Well I cannot change it anyway when it happens. And I tried everything in my power to stop them. But if that person gets backed by the institutions....well you don't really have a change. But I try to remind myself there were quite a few people within the system that also tried to help me. And one assessor who was very empathetic she had way more sway over my fate. She could have fucked me over.
I cannot stop thinking about killing myself when all these people are dead. When I meet my friends I enjoy time with them. I try to give them good memories with me. After this happened with my therapist I am also not that open towards them. And their action (calling the police to intervene in my attempt) was the thing that kept my alive. I am not angry at them. I texted them I believed them we talked about this earlier they would never call the cops. But one of them still did it. At least the police arrived before taking SN. The pitfall of this day could have been more severe if the police arrived after taking it. Like 30 minutes after it. Holy cow. They could have been in legal trouble if they didn't intervene. ...
So my relation to suicide changed. I think my determination to go through with it grew. But I only want to do it if there is nothing more I can lose. And I am so scared by mom could have another stroke when she learns about my suicide (attempt). Her gaze at me was extremely hard to cope with when she visited me in the clinic. There is something paradoxical. Even though, the abuse only done by mom was the key element that destroyed my life. I don't feel the strongest anger towards her. There was a time years ago where I was really angry at her. In some ways I feel sorry for her. I am not sure whether I actually can postpone my suicide until she is dead. If she develops dementia (not that uncommon in my family) well then I am out too. I feel sorry for my family. But in contrast to me they had an actual good life. It is pretty clear this family is in hell of a trouble in the next years. For example our financial issues will be pretty horrible for us. But my life was shit from the beginning. My parents and grandparents had a full life of joy. They know what a good life is. And then they made decisions that destroyed their lives (and my life). And now they suffer the consequences from it.
I am not really sure what the benefit is to rant over and over again about my life in this forum. Maybe I feel comfortable in a community full of fellow sufferers. I keep a lot to myself in real life which isn't particularly healthy. Many people on here share a similar fate as me. There are so many words that decribe what we are going through - but no word is enough, there are no words that are able to heal the damage. Suicide is such a weird absurd thing when you think about your whole life. The relation (also to death) becomes foreign compared to average people. There is something inside me that really craves death. I wish I had a better life quality but I also realize it doesn't really become better in the next years. I think I am very self-centered. I think so much about my own suicide but I am also sort of detached to the suffering of other people. One reason might be I am in a complete survival mode for years. And basically staying sane and trying to avoid another mental collapse is priority number one in my life.
I imagine a lot getting the news my mom died. If she had a car crash I would immeditately start panicking and order SN. I did some research on sources. For me it made me too impulsive having it at home. But it often goes through my mind what I would do in this scenario. Because failing or postponing my suicide would have bad consequences for me. Honestly, if my mom died there is a somehwat good chance I could become homeless. I think I would be in a mode of a machine doing a task. I can remember some years ago she had her first stroke. The first thing that I did was writing a thread on SaSu that if she dies that I need to kill myself as soon as possible. I am in my head already quite concrete thinking about the steps of what to do if my mom dies. I would probably hide it in front of my friends. Otherwise they would suspect it too much that I am massively suicidal. My dad would be no help. My sister would not be a help. The only card that I could play was killing myself. There is the card texting the right-wing extreme acquaintance that I have to beg him to introduce me to assisted living. Well man....hmhmmm.....I already was on the edge of drinking the SN 2 years ago. And my situation wasn't as dire as the scenario I just described. I think this would/will drive me over the edge. If she is dead the chances I am found too early are way lower. On the other hand, if it really was only a few days after her death. Would people look after me? I tend to think no. Loool. But I wouldn't rule it out. It is likely I will lose my apartment when my mom dies. I have to be really fast. I am actually not sure what happened to all my stuff if I was in a coma. Most of the things I imagine seem like....surviving with permanent damage...well it would not make my life easier at this point xD. I wonder whether I will look back at my life paralyzed in the hospital mourning the times I could cry my eyes out on Sanctioned Suicide. I know I am catastrophizing a lot. But some of the scenarios I describe her are sort of inevitable. Honestly, I hate playing the lottery. I think only idiots enjoy gambling. Moreover, my dad often doesn't even check the numbers. Lol. But honestly wouldn't it be rational to start playing the lottery at least with low amount of money. If bascially all other scenarios imply you have to kill yourself maybe within the next 10 years. But my grandma played lottery her whole life and I think she never won a high amount of money. And honestly life didn't offer me much. I disliked statistics but statistics as well as my gut-feeling tell me it isn't that likely to hit the jackpot. XD. I think playing the lottery would nudge me into the direction of fantasizing about miracles.
I really wish I could sent this to chatbots. But it is way too explicit about suicide.
My uncle denied my grandma a reconciliation before her death. Well I didn't do that. It felt horrible to me but I tried to show her that I loved her but it made me so fucking uncomfortable. I tried to give her a good death. Though, the circumstances she died were horrible.
I went through so much shit because of them. No one of them intervened when I was abused regularly as little child. All of them looked away. And lied about it when I was older.
And I am reminded what they did to every almost every single second when I am alive. It is true they changed. But these scars will never heal. My mom sort of begged me to go to an event with her, my sister and the bf of my sister. I replied no under no circumstances. I hate family events.
My mom is even concerned about the health of my dad. More than me. They are divorced. And usually she emphasizes how much she dislikes him. He goes through hell currently. A part of me thinks he sort of derserves it. There is a huge difference for me and I here have to emphasize this. I don't want that my family feels pain. I try to make their life easier. I try to help them despite my limited resources. But we are in a lot of trouble. And I am probably in the most trouble. And when they get a glimpse of which hell hole they put me into...well if I could change it I would change it. I would make their pain go away. But a part of me thinks they also sort of deserve it. I think my dad could die in the next years consdering how fast he is deterorating. He is in the position that I will be in when my mom is dead. He cannot live alone. He is unable to sustain himself. It was suggested he should go to an assisted living. He had to visit it and he told me he was shocked by the conditions there. Well dad that's my future. This is the choice I will have. And theoretically I had to live there way longer than you. There is sort of no way around going there for him. He often told me people who kill themselves are idiots and he also joked to me when I was a child about a German nationa goalkeeper who jumped in front of a train.
Well dad I am not pressuring you. But you did that with me in college. My whole family kept pushing further and further this road. Despite the fact I had to abuse benzodiazepines to cope with the stress. And even after I almost killed myself he kept pressuring me to start with college again. With talks about my future. Despite the fact I told him millions of times I don't have a future. I know I should not judge him to hard. It is obvious he is a moron.
Since this happened with my therapist I am way more determined to go through with my plan to commit suicide. I don't want to be dependent on a system that abused me and then the institutions that should protect my rights mock me for being hurt over it. I am disgusted by these people. But I also have the feeling this would sort of mean letting them win. Eventually I think I cannot change it though.
I think my psychiatrist realizes that my suicidality has become more serious after the actions of my therapist. And she is also sort of shocked because she knows the truth that my therapist intentionally lied. It is good I have her on my side. I think her words are more impacful than the lies of my therapist. I think and hope that the impact of these lies is limited if I play my hand correctly.
Though, the loss of confidence in the system is severe and maybe lethal for me. And I think it is so damaged that the damage is hard to repair. The problem is it increased my hypervigilance and paranoia when actually a real betrayal happens. I don't want to go mental hospitals because I had to explain which impact the actions of my therapist had. Then I had to defend myself over filing a complaint. Then there would be doubts whether you can trust my words. And clinic stays are sort of overwhelming for me. I tend to become paranoid at the beginning of clinic stays. They also prohibit me to take my emergency medication as I need it. So it would hurt me a lot if these people didn't believe me. And this experience would not repair my trust in the system. If they write in the clinic reports he is paranoid about his therapist then my hand became even worse.
I think others should try therapy and clinic stays. I think though in my life I came to the point where I think enough is enough. Clinic stays helped me in the past. And therapy sort of educated me. But for now I work with chatGPT. Lol. I mean i am with my back against the wall anyway. I just think I have to postpone my suicide as long as my mom lives. And we ain't a healthy family. I wish I could send this text to chatGPT but I had to censor so much about my suicidality that it is was way too much work.
And the last (involuntary) clinic stay was a nightmare anyway. Where a woman committed suicide. I don't really want to go back to a clinic. I just hope I keep my benefits. But so much shit happens in my country they want to take the money of people like me. Well I cannot change it anyway when it happens. And I tried everything in my power to stop them. But if that person gets backed by the institutions....well you don't really have a change. But I try to remind myself there were quite a few people within the system that also tried to help me. And one assessor who was very empathetic she had way more sway over my fate. She could have fucked me over.
I cannot stop thinking about killing myself when all these people are dead. When I meet my friends I enjoy time with them. I try to give them good memories with me. After this happened with my therapist I am also not that open towards them. And their action (calling the police to intervene in my attempt) was the thing that kept my alive. I am not angry at them. I texted them I believed them we talked about this earlier they would never call the cops. But one of them still did it. At least the police arrived before taking SN. The pitfall of this day could have been more severe if the police arrived after taking it. Like 30 minutes after it. Holy cow. They could have been in legal trouble if they didn't intervene. ...
So my relation to suicide changed. I think my determination to go through with it grew. But I only want to do it if there is nothing more I can lose. And I am so scared by mom could have another stroke when she learns about my suicide (attempt). Her gaze at me was extremely hard to cope with when she visited me in the clinic. There is something paradoxical. Even though, the abuse only done by mom was the key element that destroyed my life. I don't feel the strongest anger towards her. There was a time years ago where I was really angry at her. In some ways I feel sorry for her. I am not sure whether I actually can postpone my suicide until she is dead. If she develops dementia (not that uncommon in my family) well then I am out too. I feel sorry for my family. But in contrast to me they had an actual good life. It is pretty clear this family is in hell of a trouble in the next years. For example our financial issues will be pretty horrible for us. But my life was shit from the beginning. My parents and grandparents had a full life of joy. They know what a good life is. And then they made decisions that destroyed their lives (and my life). And now they suffer the consequences from it.
I am not really sure what the benefit is to rant over and over again about my life in this forum. Maybe I feel comfortable in a community full of fellow sufferers. I keep a lot to myself in real life which isn't particularly healthy. Many people on here share a similar fate as me. There are so many words that decribe what we are going through - but no word is enough, there are no words that are able to heal the damage. Suicide is such a weird absurd thing when you think about your whole life. The relation (also to death) becomes foreign compared to average people. There is something inside me that really craves death. I wish I had a better life quality but I also realize it doesn't really become better in the next years. I think I am very self-centered. I think so much about my own suicide but I am also sort of detached to the suffering of other people. One reason might be I am in a complete survival mode for years. And basically staying sane and trying to avoid another mental collapse is priority number one in my life.
I imagine a lot getting the news my mom died. If she had a car crash I would immeditately start panicking and order SN. I did some research on sources. For me it made me too impulsive having it at home. But it often goes through my mind what I would do in this scenario. Because failing or postponing my suicide would have bad consequences for me. Honestly, if my mom died there is a somehwat good chance I could become homeless. I think I would be in a mode of a machine doing a task. I can remember some years ago she had her first stroke. The first thing that I did was writing a thread on SaSu that if she dies that I need to kill myself as soon as possible. I am in my head already quite concrete thinking about the steps of what to do if my mom dies. I would probably hide it in front of my friends. Otherwise they would suspect it too much that I am massively suicidal. My dad would be no help. My sister would not be a help. The only card that I could play was killing myself. There is the card texting the right-wing extreme acquaintance that I have to beg him to introduce me to assisted living. Well man....hmhmmm.....I already was on the edge of drinking the SN 2 years ago. And my situation wasn't as dire as the scenario I just described. I think this would/will drive me over the edge. If she is dead the chances I am found too early are way lower. On the other hand, if it really was only a few days after her death. Would people look after me? I tend to think no. Loool. But I wouldn't rule it out. It is likely I will lose my apartment when my mom dies. I have to be really fast. I am actually not sure what happened to all my stuff if I was in a coma. Most of the things I imagine seem like....surviving with permanent damage...well it would not make my life easier at this point xD. I wonder whether I will look back at my life paralyzed in the hospital mourning the times I could cry my eyes out on Sanctioned Suicide. I know I am catastrophizing a lot. But some of the scenarios I describe her are sort of inevitable. Honestly, I hate playing the lottery. I think only idiots enjoy gambling. Moreover, my dad often doesn't even check the numbers. Lol. But honestly wouldn't it be rational to start playing the lottery at least with low amount of money. If bascially all other scenarios imply you have to kill yourself maybe within the next 10 years. But my grandma played lottery her whole life and I think she never won a high amount of money. And honestly life didn't offer me much. I disliked statistics but statistics as well as my gut-feeling tell me it isn't that likely to hit the jackpot. XD. I think playing the lottery would nudge me into the direction of fantasizing about miracles.
I really wish I could sent this to chatbots. But it is way too explicit about suicide.
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