erdbeeren
Student
- Oct 13, 2021
- 100
I guess this is a goodbye thread.
Today is the day that I planned to ctb. In all honesty, I'm not even scared. No si to be seen. I am long overdue and accept that this is truly where all roads end.
The world around me and its people have shown me how they feel. I am an embarrassment, weird (derogatory sense), boring, slow, and cripplingly forlorn. I have few to no admirable traits nor talents. I have no reason to carry on this pathetic existence.
School has been horrible since 2019. My grades suck and I have almost been kicked out for various incidents which I don't want to get into detail about. I've been bullied since I was just 9 both in school and by total strangers. Teachers gossip about me as well as other students (quite loudly). One in particular targets me and singles me out for my apathy for the class.
I naturally have an angry look to my face which deters others from being around me. I have an odd gait and autistic tendencies which only further encourage the ostracism.
I wanted to have friends and made honest efforts to see it happen. I am socially inept and ended up scaring most of them away or they felt bad for me and it eventually felt like a chore. I grew tired of the rejection and began to seek sanctuary elsewhere. Some of the places I found refuge are extremely dark to say the least.
I tried to get professional help back when I still had faith in the healthcare system. I've been to several different psychologists and a psychiatrist and tried many medications and "healthy" coping mechanisms. At one of my previous low points, I attempted to ctb from an overdose of lexapro (obviously was unsuccessful) and involuntarily spend 10 days at a psych hospital 3 hours away! (I assume that individuals suffering from the nightmares of mental illness get their rights stripped away.) The place was poorly maintained and the staff didn't bother hiding their indifference to us. No joke, there was no therapy available nor someone to talk to. All patients were forced to stay in one room during the daytime with nothing to do. The very distinct observation of my time there was that EVERYONE was on some kind psychotropic meds.
Today is the day that I planned to ctb. In all honesty, I'm not even scared. No si to be seen. I am long overdue and accept that this is truly where all roads end.
The world around me and its people have shown me how they feel. I am an embarrassment, weird (derogatory sense), boring, slow, and cripplingly forlorn. I have few to no admirable traits nor talents. I have no reason to carry on this pathetic existence.
School has been horrible since 2019. My grades suck and I have almost been kicked out for various incidents which I don't want to get into detail about. I've been bullied since I was just 9 both in school and by total strangers. Teachers gossip about me as well as other students (quite loudly). One in particular targets me and singles me out for my apathy for the class.
I naturally have an angry look to my face which deters others from being around me. I have an odd gait and autistic tendencies which only further encourage the ostracism.
I wanted to have friends and made honest efforts to see it happen. I am socially inept and ended up scaring most of them away or they felt bad for me and it eventually felt like a chore. I grew tired of the rejection and began to seek sanctuary elsewhere. Some of the places I found refuge are extremely dark to say the least.
I tried to get professional help back when I still had faith in the healthcare system. I've been to several different psychologists and a psychiatrist and tried many medications and "healthy" coping mechanisms. At one of my previous low points, I attempted to ctb from an overdose of lexapro (obviously was unsuccessful) and involuntarily spend 10 days at a psych hospital 3 hours away! (I assume that individuals suffering from the nightmares of mental illness get their rights stripped away.) The place was poorly maintained and the staff didn't bother hiding their indifference to us. No joke, there was no therapy available nor someone to talk to. All patients were forced to stay in one room during the daytime with nothing to do. The very distinct observation of my time there was that EVERYONE was on some kind psychotropic meds.
