Venting I think i’m scared to get better

[C.Alder]

I've recently started college, and for the first time in my life I feel as if maybe life won't always be miserable. But i think i'm scared that if my life gets better, then i won't be able to "blame" feeling this way on it, id have to admit that i'm just broken, and fucked up. But if i do manage to get better what if I don't like it, being broken is all i've ever known, i take great comfort in what i know.

 

[ko1toz]

I completely understand, however you aren't "fucked up" for being upset even while in good situations. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but with the way your post is worded it sounds like things haven't been easy for you in the past. And this is something that affects people their whole lives, you cannot help your emotions if you're struggling with past trauma. I wish it was as simple as moving to a better environment and feeling better, but it isn't. I also completely understand how scary it is to watch things get better. Personally it feels unsettling because I know things aren't supposed to be this way, and if anything it's made me want to CTB even more. However I don't think you should dismiss recovery and a better life before you've given it a chance! It may surprise you :) that being said, you're absolutely allowed to feel afraid, change (even positive change) is always a scary thing. Best of luck in college and I hope you feel better in due time ♡

 

[Costrecce]

I get it in a way, my life has gotten mostly better outside, but I haven't gotten any better. And I think I will ever not, but you could always try giving it a try if you want. There is a chance that it will actually get better and you start to get used to your new normalcy. Either way, whatever you choose, it's okay. You´re valid in this feeling

 

[jbear824]

I'd say that if your feeling you may not always be miserable, that's worth giving some time to consider. Finding happiness in this life is a totally valid choice. Just as valid as wanting to leave this life.

How much time you give to exploring that feeling is totally up to you. But it sounds like maybe you're not ready to leave just yet and thats okay!

Whatever you decide to do, despite whatever chances there are for betterment, are respectable, understandable, and valid.

P.s. you are definitely not alone in the world when it comes to being afraid of getting better. It's a much more common thing than people think.

 

[marshmallowfluff]

Being 'better' is scary, especially when mental illness is all you've ever known. It's hard to flip around your mindset and think that maybe things can change. I suppose you've had a certain identity for so long that it's difficult to imagine anything else. But how will you know unless you try?