Story I think im going crazy

[nevergoodenough91]

I had a realization a few days ago that completley shifted the way I see the world, luckily I got back out but I think I was loosing it and still am a bit.

The realization was that humans are like water in a bucket and when you drop some food coloring in it changes form. Basically humans change thier perspective and feeling in response to thier enviornment and we are much more animalistic than we think. But the main thing that changed the way I saw things was that I realized enviornment creates all thoughts that exist in your mind. Even the ones youre thinking in response to this. Just like you hear a sound, you think in an enviornment or series of them thats where everything automatic comes from.

When I figured this out my mind literally identified every thought that was in my mind and deleted it and I was left in this detached state. And as I write this I feel it pulling me back in. The world felt not real and the only thing that existed was the awareness that was inside me kind of. I was like an idiot reacting to my enviornment like it was the first time I had ever seen anything. It was extremely blissful and relaxing and I had an inner peace that was really intoxicating I guess I can say. Pair this with that I like to listen to a lot of zen/daoist ideas and it compounded the effect. It felt really good for a while and I thought this was the right way to go. But soon after I started to get disturbed and wanted to reject the feeling. I realized I had literally forgotten many of the things that I was using in my daily life to keep me safe, orient myself in conversation with others, think about the future (I didnt care about it at all, because problems didnt exist) my perspectives and judgements about the world were gone. I had no anxiety and I only cared about what was directly in front of me almost like a baby would experience the world. I remembered speech and everything else from before this happened, but it was all behind a massive fog of this feeling.

For the past 2 days ive been trying to remove it from my head and realize this is some delusion I made up, but a part of me still argues that its the true spiritual way and path for me or something. Whatever it is true or not ive decided to reject it and live in the world not whatever this is. My future is extremely valuable to me and meaningful im not gonna sacrifice it for being high in my mind.

I dont have anyone in my life I can tell this to who wont look at me like im crazy, and they especially wont understand so im putting it here.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

You're not crazy.
While yeah, the environment you surround yourself with is a factor, and it may be a big factor to some, it's not the end all or be all.
the same environment can bring about different reactions on an individual level.

 

[nevergoodenough91]

You're not crazy.
While yeah, the environment you surround yourself with is a factor, and it may be a big factor to some, it's not the end all or be all.
the same environment can bring about different reactions on an individual level.

Yeah for sure I think I overreacted to what I was thinking about and my mind did some weird shit

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Yeah for sure I think I overreacted to what I was thinking about and my mind did some weird shit

on the plus side, its good that you had that thought. Not a lot of people do, so good job!

 

[nevergoodenough91]

on the plus side, its good that you had that thought. Not a lot of people do, so good job!

Thank you im glad i woke up out of that also

 

[Kasumi]

Well I think there is some truth to it, in that sense that things can't bother you if you don't care.
If you don't care about what happens to yourself and others anymore because you see everything as a reaction to our environment, then it's easier to just let things happen.
It might not even be a bad thing, but you'd also stop caring about yourself, forget about your individuality and essentially become an empty shell that just flows with the current.
At that point you might as well be considered dead.

 

[Linda]

I don't think you'r crazy, but I do think you got way out of your depth into something. Not quite sure what it was. I think the problem will pass. Just give it time. And be very careful if you start exploring that aspect of existence again. Take it in VERY small steps.

 

[nevergoodenough91]

Well I think there is some truth to it, in that sense that things can't bother you if you don't care.
If you don't care about what happens to yourself and others anymore because you see everything as a reaction to our environment, then it's easier to just let things happen.
It might not even be a bad thing, but you'd also stop caring about yourself, forget about your individuality and essentially become an empty shell that just flows with the current.
At that point you might as well be considered dead.

youre right its no way to live

I don't think you'r crazy, but I do think you got way out of your depth into something. Not quite sure what it was. I think the problem will pass. Just give it time. And be very careful if you start exploring that aspect of existence again. Take it in VERY small steps.

I dont think I ever want to go back, just coming out of it is like I was reset as a person or something. I feel like I turned in a different direction now and I abandoned what I had before. Even though it was painful and much of it may have been lies and automatic thoughts and delusions, that was real to me in the past and something I have to sort through. Regardless of what it was I should be living with it until I sort it out inside me instead of running. I realize this whole idea was a lie, because its built on the idea that since thoughts just come from the enviornment that means somehow also means they arent there for a reason and arent real or worth listening to. Which I disagree with. Obviously thoughts are there for a reason, reality itself isnt fake because it creates perception thats just not true.

I hope in time this passes and i remember who I was before and I can shake this off and hopefully forget about it. Thanks for your reply

 

[Linda]

youre right its no way to live

I dont think I ever want to go back, just coming out of it is like I was reset as a person or something. I feel like I turned in a different direction now and I abandoned what I had before. Even though it was painful and much of it may have been lies and automatic thoughts and delusions, that was real to me in the past and something I have to sort through. Regardless of what it was I should be living with it until I sort it out inside me instead of running. I realize this whole idea was a lie, because its built on the idea that since thoughts just come from the enviornment that means somehow also means they arent there for a reason and arent real or worth listening to. Which I disagree with. Obviously thoughts are there for a reason, reality itself isnt fake because it creates perception thats just not true.

I hope in time this passes and i remember who I was before and I can shake this off and hopefully forget about it. Thanks for your reply

An intense experience can indeed turn your life in a different direction. Something happened to me a week ago, very different than what happened to you but still intense and hard to process, and I know I am not the same person. I have made some changes to my life as a result, and hopefully I'm a better person. At the very least, you have learned something, and that's always valuable. Good luck.