Venting I think I was sexually assaulted an hour ago

[SomewhatLoved]

Not sure if sexual assault is the right term or if this was something else but I am not feeling well right now.

Yesterday I got an ad on social media for an event that would be happening tonight (I guess last night now, because it's the AM). The event was basically just a night at a club where they would be playing music from a genre I like so I thought I would go as a way of getting out of the house. So I bought a ticket and I went. Doors opened at 10 PM and it went until 2 AM.

So I left home at around 9 30 PM to go to the event. It was kind of nice, not the best thing in the world but my thoughts in the moment were that it was a nice excuse to get out of the house and be around other people for a change. I admittedly wasn't in much of a social mood so I just kind of got some water and stood off to the side leaning against a wall and watched the DJs do their thing.

Around 1 20 AM as I'm standing there this girl comes up to me and starts talking to me. She's asking me "why are you just standing there" so I tell her "I'm just watching the DJ" and I point to him and she says "you should dance" and I just say "I don't want to" but in my mind I was thinking like I don't know how. Already I was feeling kind of uncomfortable because it felt like she was kinda getting close to me or up in my face or something. I don't remember what she said after that but I remember a bunch of other people came around us (her friends I assume) and she started dancing like right in my face and stuff and then all her friends did the same and I was kind of surrounded by them and then she turned around to face the stage and started grinding on me and I was against the wall and surrounded so I couldn't very easily just turn around and walk away or anything and honestly I just felt paralyzed/frozen so even if there was an opening I'm not sure I would have been able to even move.

I feel like everything from that point is a blur and I'm not even really sure what happened but I just remember at some point I was able to just turn around and walk away through the crowd and I immediately left and I went and sat at a park for like 20 minutes with my head in my hands because I was just in a state of shock.

I've never gone "clubbing" before. I like live music and bands but I've never seen a DJ event before. I felt like even before I was going I thought maybe it's not a good idea but I convinced myself I should get out of the house for once so I went. I got dressed up too because I wanted to try and do something special but it all just feels like a mistake and my fault now. Before this thing happened I had two other girls approach me and one just complimented me and the other asked if I wanted to dance and both times I just kind of waved them away because I was honestly feeling very anxious and unable to talk and I just wanted to listen to music and I feel like maybe I should have already left by that point because it was clear maybe something was wrong but I don't know.

I'm supposed to go to another concert in August to see my favourite band and now I'm nervous :(

I feel embarrassed because I'm a guy and I'm a little bit taller and it's like I should be able to defend myself or tell her no but I just felt like I was in shock and it all happened so fast

 

[noname223]

Not sure if sexual assault is the right term or if this was something else but I am not feeling well right now.

Yesterday I got an ad on social media for an event that would be happening tonight (I guess last night now, because it's the AM). The event was basically just a night at a club where they would be playing music from a genre I like so I thought I would go as a way of getting out of the house. So I bought a ticket and I went. Doors opened at 10 PM and it went until 2 AM.

So I left home at around 9 30 PM to go to the event. It was kind of nice, not the best thing in the world but my thoughts in the moment were that it was a nice excuse to get out of the house and be around other people for a change. I admittedly wasn't in much of a social mood so I just kind of got some water and stood off to the side leaning against a wall and watched the DJs do their thing.

Around 1 20 AM as I'm standing there this girl comes up to me and starts talking to me. She's asking me "why are you just standing there" so I tell her "I'm just watching the DJ" and I point to him and she says "you should dance" and I just say "I don't want to" but in my mind I was thinking like I don't know how. Already I was feeling kind of uncomfortable because it felt like she was kinda getting close to me or up in my face or something. I don't remember what she said after that but I remember a bunch of other people came around us (her friends I assume) and she started dancing like right in my face and stuff and then all her friends did the same and I was kind of surrounded by them and then she turned around to face the stage and started grinding on me and I was against the wall and surrounded so I couldn't very easily just turn around and walk away or anything and honestly I just felt paralyzed/frozen so even if there was an opening I'm not sure I would have been able to even move.

I feel like everything from that point is a blur and I'm not even really sure what happened but I just remember at some point I was able to just turn around and walk away through the crowd and I immediately left and I went and sat at a park for like 20 minutes with my head in my hands because I was just in a state of shock.

I've never gone "clubbing" before. I like live music and bands but I've never seen a DJ event before. I felt like even before I was going I thought maybe it's not a good idea but I convinced myself I should get out of the house for once so I went. I got dressed up too because I wanted to try and do something special but it all just feels like a mistake and my fault now. Before this thing happened I had two other girls approach me and one just complimented me and the other asked if I wanted to dance and both times I just kind of waved them away because I was honestly feeling very anxious and unable to talk and I just wanted to listen to music and I feel like maybe I should have already left by that point because it was clear maybe something was wrong but I don't know.

I'm supposed to go to another concert in August to see my favourite band and now I'm nervous :(

I feel embarrassed because I'm a guy and I'm a little bit taller and it's like I should be able to defend myself or tell her no but I just felt like I was in shock and it all happened so fast

I think I don't have the full picture but could it be possible someone mixed drugs into your drink? (If you say there was a blur from then on?)

 

[SomewhatLoved]

I just feel like everytime I try to go out of the house and do something nice I end up having a bad or uncomfortable experience like this and it makes me just not want to go out.

Recently I went volunteering and on the way there I was in a car crash and it's discouraged my from trying to do that.

In the fall I tried to make a friend but she just started pushing me away randomly and I tried asking what I did wrong or apologizing and she said I did nothing wrong and she liked hanging out with me but then just keeped pushing me away.

I feel like maybe I should just give up and stay at home in my free time but sometimes I feel like bbeing aloen with my thoughts too much just fucks me up and worsens my anxiety.

 

[Apathy79]

Funnily enough, this would be a result most guys would hope for when clubbing. I'm a bit like you and just find it awkward and want to get out of there. If you walk away straight away it's usually not an issue.

Concert should be a bit different. Clubbing is more about the dancing usually. Concert is usually about seeing the band. I'd give it a shot.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

Funnily enough, this would be a result most guys would hope for when clubbing. I'm a bit like you and just find it awkward and want to get out of there. If you walk away straight away it's usually not an issue.

Concert should be a bit different. Clubbing is more about the dancing usually. Concert is usually about seeing the band. I'd give it a shot.

I understand that but I feel like i explicitly told her no at least from what I remember because she said I should dance and I told her I don't want to and that i just wanted to listen to the music

I miss my boyfriend

no one else was supposed to touch me there

 

[whywere]

My heart broke reading this, as back in the 1970's I had similar situation a couple of times.

It was two-fold for me, as I was extremely uncomfortable having a gal that I did not even know grab my crotch and I can still see it in my mind. as I was "like what the heavens is wrong with her?" and when I left the dance floor and was red faced, I got crap from the guys that I was hanging out with that night, as I did not know what to do.

Oh, believe me, I knew, it was just that I like to get to know the gal and have a mindful conversation, NOT grabbing my "junk" right off the bat on the dance floor.

It was even DISCO music back then, heaven forbid!!

I was embarrassed that night and from then on, if a gal asked me to dance or if I asked her, we stayed apart and if not, I walked off the dance floor.

Learned quickly NOT to listen to others, both guys and gals, and do what was right and comfortable for me.

I so fully understand your predicament fully and it was a learning lesson BUT PLEASE go to your concert in August and do not let an over aggressive gal dictate enjoying life and music, never ever.

I will say this also, as far as karma goes, I met and/or found out down the road that the couple of gals, it was one each and on different nights, were in "family way" and the guy did not stick around after finding out that the gal was preggo.

Also some of the guys that not as much teased me as were down right mean to my face on those occasions, later down the road they thought that they were smart and so with it and wound up getting a gal in family way and they were not laughing at me anymore, but I was laughing at them, as they did not want to marry the gal and they also did not want to pay monthly child support for 18 years.

You are a wonderful, kind person and after reading and rereading your thread, it was if I was you all over again, albeit 40 plus years, but nevertheless the same.

You are a GREAT guy, and you have an awesome set of principles.

You ARE and you WILL BE so wonderful in life as you are a decent and principled lad.

Lots of well wishes to you,

Walter

 

[Emerita]

Im truly so sorry this happened to you, even me reading that made me upset I can only imagine how you feel. it's understandable you feel this way, the feeling of sa is so confusing and painful it's hard to wrap your head around just know the way you reacted and feel isn't wrong I know sometimes there can be this feeling of guilt or like you said embarrassment that you froze but most people freeze please don't blame yourself for the action of others. Again Im truly so sorry this happened.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Clubbing can be a lot of fun!

But - sorry if I didn't get that right- did you take any drinks from someone else or did you generally drink from someone else's bottle/cup that might have been compromised with drugs? Did you put your drink somewhere else and there is the possibility someone added drugs?

That's the only way you can take drugs not knowing it.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[Forever Sleep]

If it was unwanted physical contact in your genital area then yes- I'd agree- that's a form of sexual assault. If the tables were turned and it was a guy rubbing his junk on a woman after she'd told him 'no', it would be classed as assault. Men have just as many rights to say 'no' and be respected.

I can understand that you didn't want to come across as impolite or aggressive. I think this is also the problem women have. They don't want to appear rude. The trouble being that agressive or even drunk people likely take advantage of that.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. When I was young, it happened to me on a tube train. It was a guy at my back. I didn't know what to do either. It was a whole mixture of confusion- did he need to be standing that close? Plus, I'm not attractive. Why would he be doing that to me? Plus, embarassment- I didn't want to make a fuss in front of other people and obviously, fear. At the next station, I waited till the doors were closing and just dashed off the train and hoped he wouldn't follow (he didn't.) It was horrible though. It's not always as simple as calling them out and, they rely on that.

I don't think you should let it stop you from attending things like this in future though- if you enjoy them. Maybe just try to work out a way of removing yourself from those sorts of situations in future. Could you go with someone maybe? I imagine that may put people off approaching you to some extent.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

to everyone asking about me being drugged

I think maybe its possible, all I had was water but there were times I put it down and wasn't really watching it. It's not even really a risk I ever considered.

But honestly I tend to freeze up, that's kind of a normal response to me whenever something uncomfortable happens to me. So I don't know if I was.

 

[Dejected 55]

I never really liked being around a lot of people... and reading stories like this just reinforce that natural discomfort.

I did go to a New Year's party at a college friend's house many many years ago. It was kind of a crappy party, and I mostly just sat by myself the whole time. My friend was busy with other people and I barely spoke to him during the night. There was alcohol there and that made me uncomfortable too because I don't want to drink. The only reason I was there at all was because it was my friend's party and I thought I'd at least be able to talk to him if I got bored.

Anyway, towards the end of the party, there was a girl there who had drank way too much. She wanted me to dance with her. There was literally no one else dancing at all. It was weird. I didn't know her, I didn't want to dance with her. I politely said no thanks. She persisted. She grabbed my arm and tried to pull me from my seat. She was drunk and it really showed. The more she tried the more it went from sad to angry to depressed for me and I just wanted her to leave me alone. She eventually stopped.

My friend later told me I should have danced with her... that I could probably have had sex with her... and that she probably would ask him about me the next day. I told him I doubted it. She was drunk, I was one of the few single guys left there, she didn't know me. Even if I could have had sex with her, I didn't want that... Sex with a drunk girl who only wanted me because she was drunk and I was in the room and not that she liked me at all... and the next day I assured him she would be sober and not think a second thought of me.

I was right.

Looking back, my friend was probably right too. If I were the normal guy, that could have been my first sexual experience instead of an escort 6-7 years later. But it would have been a miserable disappointing experience being with a drunk girl and taking advantage of that vulnerability like that. I've never regretted turning her down. I never saw her again either. I never went to another party again.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

everyone will think i'm wrong, but i feel like your expectations of club life may be slightly off

i also feel like even if that is a technical unwanted sexual touching, it's not in the same category as rape or more serious abuse.

people dance and grind in a sexy way at clubs sometimes. it's how it works. if you aren't leaving the situation, stuff sometimes happens. even though she should have gone "may i have permission to dance and grind next your body while dancing?" that isn't what happens at clubs, people try to determine things based on body language and how people react, sometimes people also read the cues wrong.

in a situation with males and females, usually females are supposed to get more space and guys are supposed to be more careful because in heterosexual situations, usually girls choose who they want to hook up with (despite people saying otherwise) and make their intentions known and usually a straight guy is very direct and just walks away and doesn't get nervous. she likely didn't realize you are gay or bi.

no one put anything in your drink. if you did, you would have passed out or felt super drugged. it sounds like some girl just started hitting on you, you weren't sure if she was hitting on you, and you didn't say "just so you know i'm gay and have a boyfriend." the fact that you are contemplating if something was put in your drink when people are asking about this is a little off. you would know after if you felt intoxicated and girls may make unwanted sexual advanced but I've never heard of women using date rape drugs or drugging people for sex in the middle of a club. honestly, they wouldn't need to do that. there was definitely nothing in your drink, you were squeemish and shy and because you were a guy, she didn't expect it, she didn't realize you were gay likely because you were in a straight or mixed club

i'm all in favor of people's boundaries being respected and she was out of line, but clubs can be wild and you should be more direct in mixed club settings. If a girl is talking to you up close and you don't like her, and it may not be clear you're gay, just walk away, say "i have to go text my friend" or something. usually people who are somewhat prudish (no offense) also don't go to clubs for this reason or if they go, they go with a group of friends so they can all sense each others vibes and support each other.

a concert and clubbing are very different. concerts people want to see bands, clubbing people want to party. although pretty much everyone will disagree with me and see you as a victim in this, and it's true that your space wasn't respected and that was bad, you need to be direct with people in clubs if they are drunk and getting too flirty.

there are some people held down after being drugged and forcibly penetrated. i'm sorry this happened to you, but please try to be aware that in clubs if you aren't direct people may not respect your boundaries and even if you are direct people may not respect your boundaries. in clubs most people are drunk or on drugs, dancing up close happens. she may have known you were gay and just thought you didn't care. often people who are in clubs don't have extremely rigid boundaries and will joke around doing stuff like that.

if you have very strict boundaries with physical space and will be traumatized by a drunken stranger who is talking with you starting to dance up against you and then eventually grind against you, you could either wear a gay rainbow necklace to a club (and that may not work) or you could avoid straight clubs. Not all clubs are the same also. If people are at a bar, there to see a band, if it's a venue with a DJ, it's different than if it's a club. At clubs, a lot of the people want to hook up.

I'm sorry this happened, I am sure things were bad before because you were on this forum, but you can adapt to this situation without never seeing live music again. you can also put your arms down and lock them in front of your groin if someone's flirting with you and starting to dance to block contact like that. again, not blaming you, but yes, clubs are like that
I

everyone will think i'm wrong, but i feel like your expectations of club life may be slightly off

i also feel like even if that is a technical unwanted sexual touching, it's not in the same category as rape or more serious abuse.

people dance and grind in a sexy way at clubs sometimes. it's how it works. if you aren't leaving the situation, stuff sometimes happens. even though she should have gone "may i have permission to dance and grind next your body while dancing?" that isn't what happens at clubs, people try to determine things based on body language and how people react, sometimes people also read the cues wrong.

in a situation with males and females, usually females are supposed to get more space and guys are supposed to be more careful because in heterosexual situations, usually girls choose who they want to hook up with (despite people saying otherwise) and make their intentions known and usually a straight guy is very direct and just walks away and doesn't get nervous. she likely didn't realize you are gay or bi.

no one put anything in your drink. if you did, you would have passed out or felt super drugged. it sounds like some pretty girl just started hitting on you, you weren't sure if she was hitting on you, and you didn't say "just so you know i'm gay and have a boyfriend." the fact that you are contemplating if something was put in your drink when people are asking about this is a little off. you would know after if you felt intoxicated and girls may make unwanted sexual advanced but I've never heard of women using date rape drugs or drugging people for sex in the middle of a club. honestly, they wouldn't need to do that. there was definitely nothing in your drink, you were squeemish and shy and because you were a guy, she didn't expect it, she didn't realize you were gay likely because you were in a straight or mixed club

i'm all in favor of people's boundaries being respected and she was out of line, but clubs can be wild and you should be more direct in mixed club settings. If a girl is talking to you up close and you don't like her, and it may not be clear you're gay, just walk away, say "i have to go text my friend" or something. usually people who are somewhat prudish (no offense) also don't go to clubs for this reason or if they go, they go with a group of friends so they can all sense each others vibes and support each other.

a concert and clubbing are very different. concerts people want to see bands, clubbing people want to party. although pretty much everyone will disagree with me and see you as a victim in this, and it's true that your space wasn't respected and that was bad, you need to be direct with people in clubs if they are drunk and getting too flirty.

there are some people held down after being drugged and forcibly penetrated. i'm sorry this happened to you, but please try to be aware that in clubs if you aren't direct people may not respect your boundaries and even if you are direct people may not respect your boundaries. in clubs most people are drunk or on drugs, dancing up close happens. she may have known you were gay and just thought you didn't care. often people who are in clubs don't have extremely rigid boundaries and will joke around doing stuff like that.

if you have very strict boundaries with physical space and will be traumatized by a drunken stranger who is talking with you starting to dance up against you and then eventually grind against you, you could either wear a gay rainbow necklace to a club (and that may not work) or you could avoid straight clubs. Not all clubs are the same also. If people are at a bar, there to see a band, if it's a venue with a DJ, it's different than if it's a club. At clubs, a lot of the people want to hook up.

I'm sorry this happened, I am sure things were bad before because you were on this forum, but you can adapt to this situation without never seeing live music again. you can also put your arms down and lock them in front of your groin if someone's flirting with you and starting to dance to block contact like that. again, not blaming you, but yes, clubs are like that

If you want to talk to someone, you can call the Rape Abuse and Incest Network hotline.

There is a chat here: https://hotline.rainn.org/online

they are experts at dealing with this sort of thing. I am sure it was traumatic. I am sorry if you feel awful and I'm not trying to negate your pain. Just mentioning it's not that atypical of how clubs can be.

also 800.656.HOPE (4673)

800.656.HOPE (4673)

 

[Nemaki Arber]

Funnily enough, this would be a result most guys would hope for when clubbing.

And this mentality is what continues to perpetrate the idea that "Women cannot SA people"/"Men can't be SA'd" you don't just tell that to someone who's clearly shown that in their case they didn't want to be touched that way.

Don't care if I get in trouble for calling you out on this, you're a fucking buffoon, there was no reason to tell this to OP other than dismiss or downplay what they went through or try to make it appear "not as bad" as it actually was, or projecting whatever fantasy YOU might have onto what happened to them.


To SomewhatLoved:
Yes what happened to you classifies as SA, and as others have said you didn't do anything wrong, your reactions were normal for what happened, you never expect it to happen to you until it does. It may seem easy to think how you'd react and deal with this sort of situation if it were to ever happen to you but often times our natural responses don't let us do what we think we should've done and that often leads to guilt and shame when you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about, you were violated.

Ignore anyone that is trying to downplay what happened to you, just because you're a guy doesn't mean you have to enjoy what happened to you, I know people will frequently claim that "men would dream of this happening to them" but it shouldn't mean you should feel the same as they do about it, because it happened to you not them, it was YOUR experience, not theirs, and it's not theirs to hijack with their own fantasies.

Everything you feel is valid, I hope you can find closure and feel better as soon as possible, though please give yourself the time and space to heal.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

everyone will think i'm wrong, but i feel like your expectations of club life may be slightly off

i also feel like even if that is a technical unwanted sexual touching, it's not in the same category as rape or more serious abuse.

people dance and grind in a sexy way at clubs sometimes. it's how it works. if you aren't leaving the situation, stuff sometimes happens. even though she should have gone "may i have permission to dance and grind next your body while dancing?" that isn't what happens at clubs, people try to determine things based on body language and how people react, sometimes people also read the cues wrong.

in a situation with males and females, usually females are supposed to get more space and guys are supposed to be more careful because in heterosexual situations, usually girls choose who they want to hook up with (despite people saying otherwise) and make their intentions known and usually a straight guy is very direct and just walks away and doesn't get nervous. she likely didn't realize you are gay or bi.

no one put anything in your drink. if you did, you would have passed out or felt super drugged. it sounds like some girl just started hitting on you, you weren't sure if she was hitting on you, and you didn't say "just so you know i'm gay and have a boyfriend." the fact that you are contemplating if something was put in your drink when people are asking about this is a little off. you would know after if you felt intoxicated and girls may make unwanted sexual advanced but I've never heard of women using date rape drugs or drugging people for sex in the middle of a club. honestly, they wouldn't need to do that. there was definitely nothing in your drink, you were squeemish and shy and because you were a guy, she didn't expect it, she didn't realize you were gay likely because you were in a straight or mixed club

i'm all in favor of people's boundaries being respected and she was out of line, but clubs can be wild and you should be more direct in mixed club settings. If a girl is talking to you up close and you don't like her, and it may not be clear you're gay, just walk away, say "i have to go text my friend" or something. usually people who are somewhat prudish (no offense) also don't go to clubs for this reason or if they go, they go with a group of friends so they can all sense each others vibes and support each other.

a concert and clubbing are very different. concerts people want to see bands, clubbing people want to party. although pretty much everyone will disagree with me and see you as a victim in this, and it's true that your space wasn't respected and that was bad, you need to be direct with people in clubs if they are drunk and getting too flirty.

there are some people held down after being drugged and forcibly penetrated. i'm sorry this happened to you, but please try to be aware that in clubs if you aren't direct people may not respect your boundaries and even if you are direct people may not respect your boundaries. in clubs most people are drunk or on drugs, dancing up close happens. she may have known you were gay and just thought you didn't care. often people who are in clubs don't have extremely rigid boundaries and will joke around doing stuff like that.

if you have very strict boundaries with physical space and will be traumatized by a drunken stranger who is talking with you starting to dance up against you and then eventually grind against you, you could either wear a gay rainbow necklace to a club (and that may not work) or you could avoid straight clubs. Not all clubs are the same also. If people are at a bar, there to see a band, if it's a venue with a DJ, it's different than if it's a club. At clubs, a lot of the people want to hook up.

I'm sorry this happened, I am sure things were bad before because you were on this forum, but you can adapt to this situation without never seeing live music again. you can also put your arms down and lock them in front of your groin if someone's flirting with you and starting to dance to block contact like that. again, not blaming you, but yes, clubs are like that
I

If you want to talk to someone, you can call the Rape Abuse and Incest Network hotline.

There is a chat here: https://hotline.rainn.org/online

they are experts at dealing with this sort of thing. I am sure it was traumatic. I am sorry if you feel awful and I'm not trying to negate your pain. Just mentioning it's not that atypical of how clubs can be.

also 800.656.HOPE (4673)

800.656.HOPE (4673)

Yes I know it wasn't the same category of rape. I'm not trying to equate it to that. I'm not even sure if it really counts as sexual assault or what but I don't know what else to call it and it was just really uncomfortable for me, I'm not someone who really likes to be touched but I still think it was wrong.

I know people won't be like "may I grind on you" in a club setting, but I had told her I didn't want to dance and it definitely felt weird because I was literally surrounded and against the wall so I couldn't do anything. A group of people who I had never seen before just approached me and surrounded me. I was scared to push her or do anything because if that's all people saw from an outside perspective then I probably would have been deemed an attacker or something. The reality is if someone sees a guy just push a girl at a club with no other context they're going to jump to the assumption that I attacked her, not that I was surrounded against a wall and I had someone start grinding on me even when I directly said no/I don't want to. It's not like I was in the middle of the dance floor dancing, I was off to the side just kind of leaning on the wall watching the DJ. I told her I didn't want to dance and she started grinding on me anyways.

I couldn't walk away because I was surrounded. I fucking told her and even that felt hard to do because it already felt like she was kind of getting in my face and leaning in to me and stuff, and when I said no and she just started doing what she wanted anyways I just felt paralyzed. I knew I should have ran or pushed past them or something but I couldn't.

I was attacked in high school (not sexually but like beat up) and the same thing happened. I froze up and I just felt like I couldn't move.

I had someone else approach me earlier that night too and ask me to dance and I just said no and they went away. Maybe it wasn't sexual assault and maybe I'm catastrophizing it or something but it still made me feel violated. They asked and when I said no they did it anyways.

I knew it was a stupid idea going and I know it was probably my fault for getting dressed up and putting myself in that kind of situation but I was just off to the side doing my own thing and she came up to me. I had never gone to a club before and it's not really my thing but from the ad it seemed like it would be more about the music. On the ad I saw it said in big letters "GOTH, SYNTH, POST-PUNK, INDUSTRIAL". I like industrial music and just wanted to hear some live because in my town you don't really hear that kind of music that much. It's not like I stood next to her when she was already dancing or anything. I was off to the side where no one was dancing. and other people were just standing.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

Yes I know it wasn't the same category of rape. I'm not trying to equate it to that. I'm not even sure if it really counts as sexual assault or what but I don't know what else to call it and it was just really uncomfortable for me, I'm not someone who really likes to be touched but I still think it was wrong.

I know people won't be like "may I grind on you" in a club setting, but I had told her I didn't want to dance and it definitely felt weird because I was literally surrounded and against the wall so I couldn't do anything. A group of people who I had never seen before just approached me and surrounded me. I was scared to push her or do anything because if that's all people saw from an outside perspective then I probably would have been deemed an attacker or something. The reality is if someone sees a guy just push a girl at a club with no other context they're going to jump to the assumption that I attacked her, not that I was surrounded against a wall and I had someone start grinding on me even when I directly said no/I don't want to. It's not like I was in the middle of the dance floor dancing, I was off to the side just kind of leaning on the wall watching the DJ. I told her I didn't want to dance and she started grinding on me anyways.

I couldn't walk away because I was surrounded. I fucking told her and even that felt hard to do because it already felt like she was kind of getting in my face and leaning in to me and stuff, and when I said no and she just started doing what she wanted anyways I just felt paralyzed. I knew I should have ran or pushed past them or something but I couldn't.

I was attacked in high school (not sexually but like beat up) and the same thing happened. I froze up and I just felt like I couldn't move.

I had someone else approach me earlier that night too and ask me to dance and I just said no and they went away. Maybe it wasn't sexual assault and maybe I'm catastrophizing it or something but it still made me feel violated. They asked and when I said no they did it anyways.

I knew it was a stupid idea going and I know it was probably my fault for getting dressed up and putting myself in that kind of situation but I was just off to the side doing my own thing and she came up to me. It's not like I stood next to her when she was already dancing or anything. I was off to the side where no one was dancing.

You can push yourself away from people in a club, even bumping into people, without it being inappropriate. People push past people in clubs.

It wasn't a mistake to get dressed up and go out. Just something bad happened and you had a bad night. That's a normal part of clubbing, really. Clubs aren't always that fun.

I used to go clubbing and I'm not sure if I had fun or if I did it because I knew that "cool" fashionable people went to clubs, and I felt this huge social stigma from staying in. A lot of times it's boring unless you are completely fucked up, and it's often super uncomfortable if you are alone.

It doesn't mean not to go to clubs again, just next time push past the person. "I drank too much and I'm going to throw up." or "I have to piss right now and take a huge shit." It's vulgar, but the person will move. You can practice this stuff. Understanding social customs when out gets easier over time, and it's a lot harder to adhere to customs when alone in a club because how people behave is often about groups of people chatting and interacting with other groups.

Sorry that night was bad. It wasn't you, it was her.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

Could you go with someone maybe? I imagine that may put people off approaching you to some extent.

I've been thinking about this but the concert is out of town and it's a kind of famous band so the tickets are pretty expensive and I don't really have any friends or anything and my parents don't like concerts because it's too loud for them and so I will probably have to go alone.

Music is kind of the only thing that makes me happy anymore and this band is really special to me and I used their songs to help get through a lot of tough times but I still am now scared to go to concerts again because I don't want to be touched like that.

Of course usually at concerts there is bumping of elbows and stuff but when someone is purposefully rubbing their butt on my crotch even when I told them I don't want to dance it just made me feel not good. Even when I was in a relationship I found it hard to be touched and my boyfriend would ask for sex and eventually I said yes but even then I felt uncomfortable in my own body afterwards even though it was consensual and I said yes.

Whenever we were together at events no one would approach us and I think it was because he was with me and maybe people could tell. I liked having someone who could protect me. I don't want to have to push people away or deal with this.

 

[TBONTB]

I understand that but I feel like i explicitly told her no at least from what I remember because she said I should dance and I told her I don't want to and that i just wanted to listen to the music

I miss my boyfriend

no one else was supposed to touch me there

Yes, agreed you were sexually assaulted. And it seems like you are having normal victim reactions. Do you have any source of mental health support to help you work through this. It would be nice if this doesn't keep you from experiencing other good things "out and about"

 

[WhiteRabbit]

You were in the parking lot with your head in your hands for twenty minutes because a girl grinded on you at a club for a bit?

I'm not saying what she did was right, but that's not an uncommon scenario for clubs/raves.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've been thinking about this but the concert is out of town and it's a kind of famous band so the tickets are pretty expensive and I don't really have any friends or anything and my parents don't like concerts because it's too loud for them and so I will probably have to go alone.

Music is kind of the only thing that makes me happy anymore and this band is really special to me and I used their songs to help get through a lot of tough times but I still am now scared to go to concerts again because I don't want to be touched like that.

Of course usually at concerts there is bumping of elbows and stuff but when someone is purposefully rubbing their butt on my crotch even when I told them I don't want to dance it just made me feel not good. Even when I was in a relationship I found it hard to be touched and my boyfriend would ask for sex and eventually I said yes but even then I felt uncomfortable in my own body afterwards even though it was consensual and I said yes.

Whenever we were together at events no one would approach us and I think it was because he was with me and maybe people could tell. I liked having someone who could protect me. I don't want to have to push people away or deal with this.

It's understandable you would feel like this. It's a shame to let it ruin future events really. I don't know how common it is for people to act like that. I'd like to say it might not happen again but, I just don't know. You could try to leave the moment someone approaches I guess if you did go again. Just say you need to make a phone call or something- say- 'Enjoy the gig' or whatever to sound polite. Walk some place else and, fiddle about with your phone for a bit and hope they don't follow.

 

[iamanavalanche]

im so sorry thats fcking awful and disgusting of her to do. there is no excuse to her behaviour and in all situations like that there should be CONSENT given and you didnt give that. the paralysing frozen feeling i completely relate to. i was sexually assaulted in a bar in march and i reacted the same way.

please know that even if youre at a club, even if you drank, no matter what you wore, no matter what you did, this is not your fault you are not alone.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

You were in the parking lot with your head in your hands for twenty minutes because a girl grinded on you at a club for a bit?

I'm not saying what she did was right, but that's not an uncommon scenario for clubs/raves.

i know it's not a measured response. im mentally ill and dont like being touched

idon't know what i was expecting going to the club, it was stupid but i thought i would just be able to listen to music. id never gone to something like that before andi clearly misunderstood what it was