Story I think I want to try to make it to the age that my partner was when he passed away

[BlueButterfly111]

I don't know if the title even makes any sense, lol. So let me try to explain, my boyfriend was 30 when he passed away, I was 21, I'm 23 now, he would've been 32 if he was still alive. It's kind of crazy that he passed away after he turned 30 because I've never been able to see myself living past that age, hell I never saw myself living until my age now, but here I am.

What's interesting is when I was around 18 or so, I was having some depression issues and debating on how long I should stay on this Earth. I told myself that I would probably willingly end things before or the day before my 30th Birthday, that way I would have enough time to try to experience some good things in life, but wrap it up before I become too miserable/tired and not able to go on. This was all before I even met my boyfriend, I feel as though I have spiritual gifts and things line up for me like that in life. I even had a dream about my boyfriend passing away a few months before he passed away, and he didn't die from suicide or something expected, he was shot several times by a police officer while he was having a severe mental health crisis.

It feels scary for me to continue, especially now that he's gone and after everything that's happened, I feel alone on this Earth. But at the same time I feel like he is my guardian angel, and for some reason maybe he wants me to keep going for now. I have no idea if I will even make it that long, but I would like to try. Maybe this is all for him, the reason why I'm still here. Maybe there's some good left to be experienced, and maybe he is watching over me/protecting me. Or maybe there's just some kind of reason for me to be here, at least right now I feel, or maybe even in that timeframe, I'm not sure.

I know we all have different beliefs, so I'm not trying to force my beliefs on anyone, all of this is just my personal experience, and I just wanted to share. Like I said, I don't know if any of this even makes any sense to anyone else, but I just really wanted to share. I just feel alone in my thoughts, and I always feel like I'm talking to myself with no one listening or understanding me, so I think that's why I felt inclined to share this.

So yeah, basically I want to try to at least make it to his age, because he had mental health issues and he was strong enough to survive that long, so I feel like maybe I can as well? I don't think I had as much love and support as he did, but I have some, and I'm hoping that I can maybe find a reason to live in that time period. Idk if I'm actually gonna be able to do it, maybe this is just wishful thinking, but at the place I am at in my life I feel like I want to try! He also didn't have nearly enough mental health support, hell, I don't even know if there is any support for me, but I want to at least try to get some help if I am able to.

Sometimes when I have really rare happy moments I even think I can make it past age 30, but that seems unlikely, and idk if I even want to or can do that. I just never felt at home in this life for some reason, idk why I feel that way, but I'm in the process of trying to go to a psychiatrist to see if I have any mental health issues/disorders, which I suspect I might have some. When I bring it up to people in my life they always just accuse me of faking or just judge me, so I just keep all of this to myself. I feel a lot of shame and guilt just by existing, and I was bullied my whole life, and idk why. I just never fit in, and I feel like an alien from a different planet.

I have interacted with so many kind and caring people on this website, I feel like I can share my thoughts here without being misunderstood or judged. Thanks for listening and being kind and being a safe space for me, and thank you to everyone here who has been kind to me, I really appreciate y'all!!

 

[Ashu]

That gives you a lot of time, time to grow towards or away from this resolution, or to conceive others. For long periods of my earlier life, I consoled myself with the belief that I wouldn't make it past a certain age - twenty-seven, thirty, forty-four - and in fact I still do this. This is an important way of both carrying on with life and consoling ourselves with the possibility of our eventual death.

 

[CatLvr]

First of all, I am sorry for your loss. It's a long, sordid tale but I, too, truly believed I'd never see 30. I am almost 40 years away from 30 now and the things I have done, and experienced, that I would not have if I had decided to go on to what is next for all of us back then is mind-boggling.

That is the thing I think about most when I see a young adult talking about moving on. Do not misread me -- I am STAUNCHLY pro-choice. Everyone who is old enough to die in a war some rich people started so they can get richer is old enough to decide when they are ready to leave this world.

Thing is I also believe with all my heart that this world holds some good for all us, as well as some of the most horrible things. Things a lot of people, fortunately for them, cannot comprehend. I think that those of us who are here CAN comprehend those horrible things -- some of us because our minds and/or bodies work different than "normal" people's. Some of us because those horrible things have happened to us or those we love.

The most joyous times I have had in my life -- the birth and watching my children grow up, meeting and falling in love with the only man who has ever been able to tolerate me in large doses lol, all the pets who have been the ones who showed me how to love unconditionally -- so many times I have sat on the back patio and just watched the world go by and wondered at it all. Marvelled actually. And pondered the things we do not comprehend -- Yet.

So ... Maybe stick around a little bit longer and try and focus on the good things in your world. Even if it is just that it is spring again and the flowers are blooming. Or maybe, for you, it would be when winter comes and the snowfall makes the world so much quieter than you ever thought possible.

My husband passed not too long ago and I have caught myself seeing things for him. Weird, I know. But because of the circumstances of his passing I do not believe he was ready to go and so he moves back and forth between this world and the next. I feel him less and less as time goes on. Maybe one day he will stop visiting. But until then I will try and enjoy the good things. If for no other reason than he would want me to. Maybe your boyfriend is the same. Maybe he is trying to help you see that there is still some good you need to experience, even if there is also the inevitable bad?? I dunno ... I'm just a crazy old woman who wishes she could take everyone else's pain away so they could experience some peace.

Whatever you decide, though, I will defend your right to make that decision until the day I leave this world. Take care.