SuicidalCurryBoy
Suicidal Virgin That The Media Warned About
- Aug 22, 2020
- 156
I have tried to change my predicament about a dozen times at this point.
I lost weight and started grooming, but it only got me so far, and I ended up losing hair. Then years of anti-depressants made me docile and put on weight. At one point I gained 10 kgs in a week.
I wrote a novel, but I couldn't get any publisher to look at it. So I put it on kindle, but idk how to market it. So now it's sitting there. Mind you, this was a 4 year endeavour.
Then I did my MSc in Game Development in the west. I did get some interviews. But I failed the coding tests. So I moved back to the third world and started to send applications from there. This was the time the game industry had massive layoffs, and 2 of the companies I had interviews with had also shut down, mere months after the interview. I kept sending applications, but all I got were rejections.
Finally I decided to man up an ask recruiters what's wrong with my portfolio. And they said my portfolio looked really basic. And they gave some feedback. So I checked out the portfolios of people who were already working in AAA games, and I got some ideas. The first thing I did was set up my own 2D Game Engine using SFML. Then I implemented Wave Function Collapse for background generation and Quadtrees for collision detection. Of course, that one project alone wasn't enough to get me hired. But I did send applications. I thought I would atleast get an interview. But nope...
So I began implementing my next project. Which was behaviour trees + path finding + house searching. I was inspired by a project I found on a senior dev's portfolio.
It's been a really good learning experience so far. I am learning a lot. I am so close to finishing the project. I just need to wrap up the inventory, and then I can start working on the house searching system.
I've been so fatigued lately. I even started watching movies in intervals. Like I would pick up on a movie the next day, or even days later. Which is not something I did unless I was super neurodivergent. And that's when it hit me...
What if I finish this project, and send out applications, and all I get are rejection letters?
There is no reason to think it wouldn't happen. That's how all my long term projects have panned out, from my weightloss to my book. Why should this be different?
The only times I was able to get interview was when I was in the west. Unless you're a giga talented programmer, no one wants to go through the length to hire someone from halfway around the world.
If I don't get a single interview after this, I am going to update my portfolio with minor projects. But after that, I'm gonna KMS before my 31st Birthday. I am turning 30 this year. I have about 6 months of antidepressants saved up. Benzos and Lithium. If it doesn't pan out, I'm gonna OD.
I was never meant to live this long. I never imagined mysellf being alive past 30. It was simply not something I even pictured. Like, the idea of someone like me being 30+ is surreal.
I don't want to spend my 30s in this third world hell hole.
I lost weight and started grooming, but it only got me so far, and I ended up losing hair. Then years of anti-depressants made me docile and put on weight. At one point I gained 10 kgs in a week.
I wrote a novel, but I couldn't get any publisher to look at it. So I put it on kindle, but idk how to market it. So now it's sitting there. Mind you, this was a 4 year endeavour.
Then I did my MSc in Game Development in the west. I did get some interviews. But I failed the coding tests. So I moved back to the third world and started to send applications from there. This was the time the game industry had massive layoffs, and 2 of the companies I had interviews with had also shut down, mere months after the interview. I kept sending applications, but all I got were rejections.
Finally I decided to man up an ask recruiters what's wrong with my portfolio. And they said my portfolio looked really basic. And they gave some feedback. So I checked out the portfolios of people who were already working in AAA games, and I got some ideas. The first thing I did was set up my own 2D Game Engine using SFML. Then I implemented Wave Function Collapse for background generation and Quadtrees for collision detection. Of course, that one project alone wasn't enough to get me hired. But I did send applications. I thought I would atleast get an interview. But nope...
So I began implementing my next project. Which was behaviour trees + path finding + house searching. I was inspired by a project I found on a senior dev's portfolio.
It's been a really good learning experience so far. I am learning a lot. I am so close to finishing the project. I just need to wrap up the inventory, and then I can start working on the house searching system.
I've been so fatigued lately. I even started watching movies in intervals. Like I would pick up on a movie the next day, or even days later. Which is not something I did unless I was super neurodivergent. And that's when it hit me...
What if I finish this project, and send out applications, and all I get are rejection letters?
There is no reason to think it wouldn't happen. That's how all my long term projects have panned out, from my weightloss to my book. Why should this be different?
The only times I was able to get interview was when I was in the west. Unless you're a giga talented programmer, no one wants to go through the length to hire someone from halfway around the world.
If I don't get a single interview after this, I am going to update my portfolio with minor projects. But after that, I'm gonna KMS before my 31st Birthday. I am turning 30 this year. I have about 6 months of antidepressants saved up. Benzos and Lithium. If it doesn't pan out, I'm gonna OD.
I was never meant to live this long. I never imagined mysellf being alive past 30. It was simply not something I even pictured. Like, the idea of someone like me being 30+ is surreal.
I don't want to spend my 30s in this third world hell hole.
