I think I might be ready to catch the bus on Friday night, 3rd of May 2024.
I have 500+ pills (0,5 mg klonopin) and by Friday night I can get my hands on 100 more klonopin pills, 30 sleeping pills (zolpidem/Ambien 10mg), as well as 100+ quetiapine.
I can ensure myself a certain and painless death. How do I know this? Because I just had pneumonia, my lungs are weak + I started smoking. The other evening I took the prescribed dose of sedatives (2mg) and one sleeping pill after dinner, without alcohol to wind down after work (my profession is very stressful). It made me stop breathing in the middle of the night (1:23AM). When my brain ran out of oxygen (I am assuming after 30-60 seconds), it woke me up in the middle of the night to start breathing again consciously. I woke up with still, empty & flat lungs. Like a deflated balloon. My pulse was 140 BPM, oxygen saturation upon waking up was 82% (ideal is 96%+, under 92% needs medical supervision). I woke up panicked gasping for air. While I was trying to restart my breathing, saturation dropped even further down to 77%, within seconds. In a timespan of what I am assuming is 15-30 minutes, I managed to get my saturation back up to 96% & went back to sleep.
I did not know my lungs are still this weak. This is why I am not worried about failing / suffering permanent brain damage. The brain will not wake me up after 500+ CNS depressants.
The plan is to smoke as much as I can while watching my last sunset, then take all the pills at once with some alcohol for added effect, and just go to sleep. I plan to leave a note with my phone password, and my social media passwords are in my wallet (not this site). I am pretty sure this is it. I feel it. I feel that happiness & serene peace when I lay down to rest. Knowing soon this agony will end. I am counting down the days.
The reason I am asking for help is because, at times, I wish so fucking badly I could tell someone what I am going to do. But if I directly declare my intention to anyone, I can no longer do it. So now I wonder, I remember reading here somewhere that if I have any second thoughts / if I am not 100% OK with committing suicide, to rethink my decision. The only person I am worried for, after my death, is my mom. But my time is running out. Because I would not do this if my lungs were completely recovered (will take another 2 months). Now is the time, when they are weakened, to clap them down.
What are your thoughts? Advice? What would you do? Please.
I have 500+ pills (0,5 mg klonopin) and by Friday night I can get my hands on 100 more klonopin pills, 30 sleeping pills (zolpidem/Ambien 10mg), as well as 100+ quetiapine.
I can ensure myself a certain and painless death. How do I know this? Because I just had pneumonia, my lungs are weak + I started smoking. The other evening I took the prescribed dose of sedatives (2mg) and one sleeping pill after dinner, without alcohol to wind down after work (my profession is very stressful). It made me stop breathing in the middle of the night (1:23AM). When my brain ran out of oxygen (I am assuming after 30-60 seconds), it woke me up in the middle of the night to start breathing again consciously. I woke up with still, empty & flat lungs. Like a deflated balloon. My pulse was 140 BPM, oxygen saturation upon waking up was 82% (ideal is 96%+, under 92% needs medical supervision). I woke up panicked gasping for air. While I was trying to restart my breathing, saturation dropped even further down to 77%, within seconds. In a timespan of what I am assuming is 15-30 minutes, I managed to get my saturation back up to 96% & went back to sleep.
I did not know my lungs are still this weak. This is why I am not worried about failing / suffering permanent brain damage. The brain will not wake me up after 500+ CNS depressants.
The plan is to smoke as much as I can while watching my last sunset, then take all the pills at once with some alcohol for added effect, and just go to sleep. I plan to leave a note with my phone password, and my social media passwords are in my wallet (not this site). I am pretty sure this is it. I feel it. I feel that happiness & serene peace when I lay down to rest. Knowing soon this agony will end. I am counting down the days.
The reason I am asking for help is because, at times, I wish so fucking badly I could tell someone what I am going to do. But if I directly declare my intention to anyone, I can no longer do it. So now I wonder, I remember reading here somewhere that if I have any second thoughts / if I am not 100% OK with committing suicide, to rethink my decision. The only person I am worried for, after my death, is my mom. But my time is running out. Because I would not do this if my lungs were completely recovered (will take another 2 months). Now is the time, when they are weakened, to clap them down.
What are your thoughts? Advice? What would you do? Please.
