i think i just don’t want this anymore.

[kittypanova]

i've been agonizing for the past several months over whether or not i'll be able to move in with my boyfriend when the lease on my parent's apartment runs out in august, he just got his master's and is living with his parents temporarily while he looks for a job overseas, and he's been having a hard time getting a straight answer out of them as to whether i can come stay. at this point if that didn't pan out i would have to move in with my dad and sister in texas and probably stay in the states indefinitely. i thought if it came down to that i would kill myself. i told my therapist that and she went as far as to say she'd let me crash on her couch for a few months to figure something else out if it was that serious for me, that we would find other options, work on getting me a passport, research places i could afford to go, etc. but for some reason this didn't reassure me at all. recently my boyfriend told me that his mom said she would be alright with me staying as long as he got the ok from his dad (who's already expressed indifference about this) and so it looks like i might be cleared to move in with him after all.

when i didn't feel much relief hearing this, i realized i just don't want to be here. i'm so tired. my life has felt like this constant exercise in barely keeping my head above water. i feel exhausted by everything. it feels like it just doesn't stop. i don't want to do another move. i don't want to have to keep figuring out what happens to me now or how i'm going to keep a roof over my head when my life blows up in my face over and over and over again. i don't want to have to keep working shitty jobs that i hate to sustain a life i don't even really get to live on my own terms until i die. i hate being a burden, both emotionally and financially, on everyone who ever committed the crime of loving me. i don't want to keep convincing myself over and over again that if i can just get this degree, if i just take the right meds, if i find the right therapist, if i can get out of this shitty town or this city or this state or this country, if i just hold out until the next thing, one day it'll be enough. it's never enough. or i can never get there.

i'm really really afraid to die but i think this is it. i can't carry myself any further and i don't want to.

 

[StupidCat]

Hated that feeling too. I don't care about "succeeding" in life, I don't care about education.
I just want to be at peace. With no societal pressure.
If it helps try living a simpler life.
Of course that implies cutting ties with everything you've known till now. But maybe it's worth it if you still don't feel ready to be out.

 

[kittypanova]

Hated that feeling too. I don't care about "succeeding" in life, I don't care about education.
I just want to be at peace. With no societal pressure.
If it helps try living a simpler life.
Of course that implies cutting ties with everything you've known till now. But maybe it's worth it if you still don't feel ready to be out.

thank you for understanding. what do you mean by "a simpler life"?

 

[EmptyBottle]

Hated that feeling too. I don't care about "succeeding" in life, I don't care about education.
I just want to be at peace. With no societal pressure.
If it helps try living a simpler life.
Of course that implies cutting ties with everything you've known till now. But maybe it's worth it if you still don't feel ready to be out.

cutting ties is a double edged sword, it can make everyone feel worse... and it can be difficult to reconnect too.

 

[StupidCat]

thank you for understanding. what do you mean by "a simpler life"?

For me it means just living a cheap life, with no expectations.
I moved to a rural area, rented a small cheap place and I'm just existing doing what I love to do: art.

cutting ties is a double edged sword, it can make everyone feel worse... and it can be difficult to reconnect too.

yeah it depends on the person, but if they already feel like dying given their current circumstances, it's worth a shot