I think I am almost ready

[stermc]

Hello, everyone!
I don't think many people have noticed my presence here, but here I am!
Finding this forum was a blessing to me. I can finally see a way out - and, somehow, I don't feel like I am going alone.
I got my SN, just need to buy the other meds that are recommended.
I feel almost ready, internally. I have been dealing with depression and bpd for 12 years now, always suicidal, but I never thought I could really do it. I hadn't found a method that felt right, but SN seems pretty reliable, so I guess that's my chance.
I have talked to my parents and some close friends about my thoughts on suicide (I was 12 when I first tried to kill myself, so many of them found out at the time). My parents are sad about it, of course, but they are very understanding. They say they know how much I have tried. I know they are going to feel sad, but I am sure they will survive, and it would be unfair to myself to keep living this life only to make people less sad. I have to think about myself at least this time.
The thing is, because I have bpd, my mood changes really quickly (even though I am on meds), so I am always between "I am doing it" and "I can try to make it work one last time".
I am having a really hard time because of that.
I am sure I don't want to be here anymore. I am at peace with my decision.

I guess I am just afraid.

I want to embrace the unknown, but it's so hard because all I know is having conscience.

That's hard.

Just want to hear different point of views.

Much love to you all

 

[Lost in a Dream]

12 years is a long time to feel this way, so I'm sorry you struggled as much as you have. It's been almost 5 years for me and that felt like a long time, but compared to 12 years it's basically nothing. I'm afraid too, even though I've never felt more ready to do it.

I know they are going to feel sad, but I am sure they will survive, and it would be unfair to myself to keep living this life only to make people less sad. I have to think about myself at least this time.

I'm trying really hard to convince myself that the family members I'm leaving behind will be okay afterwards. I really don't know, but it's just too draining to worry about them now. It's important for us to do what's best for our own well being, whether we decide to keep living or to die, but sometimes it's hard to know what the best option is so I get it. Wishing the best for you either way.

 

[sincerelysad]

following for the conversation because i feel the exact same way. i empathize so hard with being in between wanting to go and wanting to make it work one last time, while also being very at peace with the prospect of dying. i also really understand the fear. more than anything, i'm terrified of failure. it's a very complicated purgatory to suffer in and i don't know how to overcome it quite yet.
thinking of u <33

 

[stermc]

12 years is a long time to feel this way, so I'm sorry you struggled as much as you have. It's been almost 5 years for me and that felt like a long time, but compared to 12 years it's basically nothing. I'm afraid too, even though I've never felt more ready to do it.



I'm trying really hard to convince myself that the family members I'm leaving behind will be okay afterwards. I really don't know, but it's just too draining to worry about them now. It's important for us to do what's best for our own well being, whether we decide to keep living or to die, but sometimes it's hard to know what the best option is so I get it. Wishing the best for you either way.

Thank you for your reply!
Yes, it's a long time. 5 years is a long time as well, I don't think I could do 5 more years.
And yeah, we can never know if they are going to be fine. At first they will suffer, surely, but, I don't know… People learn how to deal with these things.
My uncle killed himself some years ago. At the time, it was so hard… for my mom, my grandma, his daughter… but they are still alive and have their own lives. They think of him, talk about him sometimes, but his death didn't stop them from living and having happy moments. So I guess people learn how to deal with the pain.

Thank you for your words!
I wish you the best too! And I am here (for now) in case you want to talk.

following for the conversation because i feel the exact same way. i empathize so hard with being in between wanting to go and wanting to make it work one last time, while also being very at peace with the prospect of dying. i also really understand the fear. more than anything, i'm terrified of failure. it's a very complicated purgatory to suffer in and i don't know how to overcome it quite yet.
thinking of u <33

Hello! Following you back!
Thanks for replying!

I am also terrified of failure. All the things that come after it. But I guess I am already failing at life, so, what's the point? That's how I feel.

I hope we can decide what to do as soon as possible. The suffering must end.

You can message me if you want!

Much love and peace to you

 

[FuneralCry]

At least you have other people who understand and accept your wish to die, I think that it's quite rare for people to act in such a way as most people's family members would likely be insistent on preventing the suicide. But it does sound like a difficult situation to be in if you are experiencing changes in the way that you feel. I just think that after all, I believe it to be a feeling that you have when you know that it's the right time to leave this world and at least you have the option of a reliable method right there. But anyway, best of luck.

 

[whitefeather]

THANKS FOR YOUR POST ! SN / water works great without anything else- which Exit International has confirmed . Many great folks on this site ctb with just water and SN . ( Collecting the other stuff has become a comforting 'ritual' / "tradition"...etc ).

 

[my-end]

I want to embrace the unknown, but it's so hard because all I know is having conscience.

---

Hello stermc. You've been on here a bit longer than I. I too first attempted very young at 13.

In your vacillation of moods, is this statement above what you go back to each time? I think what we call our SI, could possibly be only the fear of not being (which may be the essence of SI??).

I think we all go back and forth. I believe just interacting with others on here prolongs getting to the act also. It's just another distraction.

 

[easier2cry]

I feel you, I'm glad your parents and close friends understand at least. I have BPD too and its been rotting my existence ever since i've been brought up in this world. Best of luck to you and I hope you have a smooth ride.

 

[june]

Hugs to you =)

 

[Fulminare]

Just here to say that I love your profile picture. "Girl, Interrupted" was very relatable. I hope you find peace.

 

[stermc]

At least you have other people who understand and accept your wish to die, I think that it's quite rare for people to act in such a way as most people's family members would likely be insistent on preventing the suicide. But it does sound like a difficult situation to be in if you are experiencing changes in the way that you feel. I just think that after all, I believe it to be a feeling that you have when you know that it's the right time to leave this world and at least you have the option of a reliable method right there. But anyway, best of luck.

I am surely lucky to have understanding people around me (of course some of them do not understand what I am going through, but they understand the urge to leave this world).

Thanks for your response! Best of luck for you too

THANKS FOR YOUR POST ! SN / water works great without anything else- which Exit International has confirmed . Many great folks on this site ctb with just water and SN . ( Collecting the other stuff has become a comforting 'ritual' / "tradition"...etc ).

Oh, that's good to know!
I was considering to get them because I have some stomach issues and I vomit really easily. Do you think they would help in that case?
Because where I live (Brazil), the medications recommended do not need receipts, so I just need to wait for some money and buy them. Not that hard.

Btw, thanks for replying!
Lots of love

---

Hello stermc. You've been on here a bit longer than I. I too first attempted very young at 13.

In your vacillation of moods, is this statement above what you go back to each time? I think what we call our SI, could possibly be only the fear of not being (which may be the essence of SI??).

I think we all go back and forth. I believe just interacting with others on here prolongs getting to the act also. It's just another distraction.

Hello! Sorry that you have been going through all of this for so long!

Answering your question: sometimes, yes. It is not the only thought that crosses my mind, but, thinking about it, my greatest fear is not having my conscience. The feeling of "not being", as you said. Scares me.

But these mood swings also involves thoughts like "if I start doing this, maybe I can be happy".. Some would call it "hope", but I don't truly believe I can be happy, it's just a thought.

Idk, I am still figuring it out.

Thanks for replying! Hope you find peace soon

I feel you, I'm glad your parents and close friends understand at least. I have BPD too and its been rotting my existence ever since i've been brought up in this world. Best of luck to you and I hope you have a smooth ride.

Thank you so much!
I am sorry you are also going through this. It's a shitty life. Dealing with bpd is killing me too.

Lots of love to you!

Just here to say that I love your profile picture. "Girl, Interrupted" was very relatable. I hope you find peace.

Thank you!
It's a great film!
Hope you find peace as well

 

[zeenatax]

Hello, everyone!
I don't think many people have noticed my presence here, but here I am!
Finding this forum was a blessing to me. I can finally see a way out - and, somehow, I don't feel like I am going alone.
I got my SN, just need to buy the other meds that are recommended.
I feel almost ready, internally. I have been dealing with depression and bpd for 12 years now, always suicidal, but I never thought I could really do it. I hadn't found a method that felt right, but SN seems pretty reliable, so I guess that's my chance.
I have talked to my parents and some close friends about my thoughts on suicide (I was 12 when I first tried to kill myself, so many of them found out at the time). My parents are sad about it, of course, but they are very understanding. They say they know how much I have tried. I know they are going to feel sad, but I am sure they will survive, and it would be unfair to myself to keep living this life only to make people less sad. I have to think about myself at least this time.
The thing is, because I have bpd, my mood changes really quickly (even though I am on meds), so I am always between "I am doing it" and "I can try to make it work one last time".
I am having a really hard time because of that.
I am sure I don't want to be here anymore. I am at peace with my decision.

I guess I am just afraid.

I want to embrace the unknown, but it's so hard because all I know is having conscience.

That's hard.

Just want to hear different point of views.

Much love to you all

Love and peace. You have very understanding and loving people around you.

 

[stormed lucky]

Hello, everyone!
I don't think many people have noticed my presence here, but here I am!
Finding this forum was a blessing to me. I can finally see a way out - and, somehow, I don't feel like I am going alone.
I got my SN, just need to buy the other meds that are recommended.
I feel almost ready, internally. I have been dealing with depression and bpd for 12 years now, always suicidal, but I never thought I could really do it. I hadn't found a method that felt right, but SN seems pretty reliable, so I guess that's my chance.
I have talked to my parents and some close friends about my thoughts on suicide (I was 12 when I first tried to kill myself, so many of them found out at the time). My parents are sad about it, of course, but they are very understanding. They say they know how much I have tried. I know they are going to feel sad, but I am sure they will survive, and it would be unfair to myself to keep living this life only to make people less sad. I have to think about myself at least this time.
The thing is, because I have bpd, my mood changes really quickly (even though I am on meds), so I am always between "I am doing it" and "I can try to make it work one last time".
I am having a really hard time because of that.
I am sure I don't want to be here anymore. I am at peace with my decision.

I guess I am just afraid.

I want to embrace the unknown, but it's so hard because all I know is having conscience.

That's hard.

Just want to hear different point of views.

Much love to you all

Don't do it, you're still young. Yesterday and previous times I've suggested 'ways' and enhanced my thoughts to others. However iam coming off of this website as I now see how damaging it is. This will probably be a post that gets blocked. Atleast I hope you can read this in time. Whoever reads this, just don't.

 

[MentalStefan]

Big hugs to you
I've also been struggling with depression for a long time (11 years). I had a few unsuccesful ctb attempts but I think I will try again soon.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

In a way I am in a similar situation. I have the means, the SN, but I'm just in that state of "maybe things improve". Went to the psychologist, psychiatrist, taking meds, trying to meet new people and to better myself but it all seems in vain. I don't know. These past few days I've been reflecting a lot about myself.

 

[Ashu]

( Collecting the other stuff has become a comforting 'ritual' / "tradition"...etc ).

That's a very interesting perspective, and a very interesting phenomenon if true.

 

[Source Energy]

Hello, everyone!
I don't think many people have noticed my presence here, but here I am!
Finding this forum was a blessing to me. I can finally see a way out - and, somehow, I don't feel like I am going alone.
I got my SN, just need to buy the other meds that are recommended.
I feel almost ready, internally. I have been dealing with depression and bpd for 12 years now, always suicidal, but I never thought I could really do it. I hadn't found a method that felt right, but SN seems pretty reliable, so I guess that's my chance.
I have talked to my parents and some close friends about my thoughts on suicide (I was 12 when I first tried to kill myself, so many of them found out at the time). My parents are sad about it, of course, but they are very understanding. They say they know how much I have tried. I know they are going to feel sad, but I am sure they will survive, and it would be unfair to myself to keep living this life only to make people less sad. I have to think about myself at least this time.
The thing is, because I have bpd, my mood changes really quickly (even though I am on meds), so I am always between "I am doing it" and "I can try to make it work one last time".
I am having a really hard time because of that.
I am sure I don't want to be here anymore. I am at peace with my decision.

I guess I am just afraid.

I want to embrace the unknown, but it's so hard because all I know is having conscience.

That's hard.

Just want to hear different point of views.

Much love to you all

Omg...I could have written all that. I too told my mom and my best friend. After a lot of explaining, they now get it. And support me. I too wavered between wanting to be gone and keep trying. For many years. but now the circumstances got so terrible, I don't think I can ever not feel pain anymore, let alone be happy again. I don't live, I exist...I have died many years ago and nobody knows.

 

[DukeDestroyer]

You are lucky. If I ever told ANY family member they would force me to go to a psych ward. They would absolutely lose their shit and they will tell me I'm just like my oldest sister, who attempted ctb quite a few times. My GF would absolutely have a meltdown and just freak out. I never even talked about ctb with her. She said to me recently I find weird, she said "I don't want you to die yet, I want you to be around a little longer." She most likely sensed something off with me. Just like so many people ever since I was an teenage.

 

[stermc]

Love and peace. You have very understanding and loving people around you.

This was the first time you ever talked to me. And to think that some time later you became one of these people you were talking about… I miss you. ♥

 

[Yozo_oba]

I too, have bpd and I understand the struggle of mood swings throwing you off course. I have tried multiple times to CTB with difrent methods but I have never gotten close. But I am planning on doing it soon, hopefully I don't back out this time.

 

[stermc]

I too, have bpd and I understand the struggle of mood swings throwing you off course. I have tried multiple times to CTB with difrent methods but I have never gotten close. But I am planning on doing it soon, hopefully I don't back out this time.

Sorry you go through the same.
And same, not gonna live 2024.

 

[ChildrensITV]

It's been 4-5 months. How have things been op?

I have SN. I just bought an anti-emetic an hour ago. I have a few more months for life - not even to be good. I know that is asking too much - I just need it to be not completely dogshit. I would live a life unhappily for the sake of others and stuff if it is not completely dogshit. But like this, I just can't. 2024 will be good for me: either cuz my life will become acceptable or because I will be free.

 

[stermc]

It's been 4-5 months. How have things been op?

I have SN. I just bought an anti-emetic an hour ago. I have a few more months for life - not even to be good. I know that is asking too much - I just need it to be not completely dogshit. I would live a life unhappily for the sake of others and stuff if it is not completely dogshit. But like this, I just can't. 2024 will be good for me: either cuz my life will become acceptable or because I will be free.

Hey, I have had some good days, but not much have changed. I would say I am at a phase I am "trying", but I have already decided to end things till august. I still have the mood swings, but for some reason even when I am trying, it is just to be alive till the right moment, that is coming soon.
I have all the things I need already: the sn, the ae, the benzos and the money to book a hotel. Just waiting and trying to prepare myself because saying goodbye is not an easy thing to do, but I already feel like every time I hug someone I love they are already accepting that I am going. We are all just creating our last memories together.

I hope your life becomes acceptable in 2024 if that's what you want! I really do. Life can be good.

 

[ChildrensITV]

Hey, I have had some good days, but not much have changed. I would say I am at a phase I am "trying", but I have already decided to end things till august. I still have the mood swings, but for some reason even when I am trying, it is just to be alive till the right moment, that is coming soon.
I have all the things I need already: the sn, the ae, the benzos and the money to book a hotel. Just waiting and trying to prepare myself because saying goodbye is not an easy thing to do, but I already feel like every time I hug someone I love they are already accepting that I am going. We are all just creating our last memories together.

I hope your life becomes acceptable in 2024 if that's what you want! I really do. Life can be good.

Life can be good - but for others. If I just had a job, that would be enough to keep me hanging around, so I can support myself. But my mind is too broken to even look for work let alone work

 

[stermc]

Life can be good - but for others. If I just had a job, that would be enough to keep me hanging around, so I can support myself. But my mind is too broken to even look for work let alone work

I get that. But I am not the type of person who doesn't believe in recovery and preaches that life is bad etc. I don't think life is all bad, but surely it is not fair. Life is just a phenomenon that has no moral rules. It's all about what we make of it, and unfortunately some of us come to this life with some kind of disadvantage and can't make much of it, but nothing is impossible imo. I believe we are much stronger than we believe we are and our minds have much power when it comes to this. At least that's my opinion.

 

[Meatshell]

I think I've got you beat lol: I refused to come out of my mom, the doctor had to use a vacuum extraction to force me out, then by 1st grade the suicidal thoughts officially started. When it comes to attempting to CTB, however, I'm a late bloomer - I've only started trying 3 years ago, and failed 2.5 times so far. I'm about to try again.

Seriously though, that is awfully early to be this aware, so I can definitely relate. And I'm glad your family is so understanding. I think I'm at this point of my life where I can actually tell someone I want to CTB and nothing bad would be done to me.

If I were you, I'd start by figuring out WHY exactly you're afraid. Why the feeling of "not being here" scares you in the first place. Is it even rational? Does it have anything to do with how your parents raised you? Are you religions or an atheist and is that why? And most importantly - so what? So what if you don't exist? Will you even be aware of it? Will you even care? What does you belief say?

And lastly, trust your instincts. Not your survivor instincts but the ones that know the truth - you gave your best and you are not happy here. I can tell you're very self-aware by nature. I like you!

By the way, I'm new here too. Talk to me if you wanna <3

 

[stermc]

I think I've got you beat lol: I refused to come out of my mom, the doctor had to use a vacuum extraction to force me out, then by 1st grade the suicidal thoughts officially started. When it comes to attempting to CTB, however, I'm a late bloomer - I've only started trying 3 years ago, and failed 2.5 times so far. I'm about to try again.

Wow, you really didn't want to come! Haha I am sorry you are going through this since such a young age.
But to explain better, I use the "12yo" because it's the time I started to actively act on my suicidal thoughts. I have been to therapy since age 4, so… not exactly a healthy kid also!

Seriously though, that is awfully early to be this aware, so I can definitely relate. And I'm glad your family is so understanding. I think I'm at this point of my life where I can actually tell someone I want to CTB and nothing bad would be done to me.

Yes, I am also glad for the family I have, but it's not easy. They are understanding in the sense of being supportive and not throw me in a mental hospital, but they don't support me to suicide (which I think is completely understandable). But yeah, that's a good point to be at. I have never hidden my suicidal tendencies to anyone, honestly. I have always communicated things really clearly to my family, so I am sure they would never do something that was against my will. But again, it's not easy. The amount of fear and sadness I have caused them by just telling my feelings is heartbreaking.

If I were you, I'd start by figuring out WHY exactly you're afraid. Why the feeling of "not being here" scares you in the first place. Is it even rational? Does it have anything to do with how your parents raised you? Are you religions or an atheist and is that why? And most importantly - so what? So what if you don't exist? Will you even be aware of it? Will you even care? What does you belief say?

As you can see, this thread is from january, so I have reflected on these points you mentioned and I realized I am actually afraid of saying goodbye. The feeling of leaving my mom behind, for example, is something that is even bigger than my SI. The fact that I will probably never see her again… sometimes we make soul connections in this earth and leaving them behind is not something I can do easily. But it's kind of irrational, I guess.
I was raised as a christian, but I am an atheist for a long time now. I am not afraid of hell or anything. I guess it's normal to be afraid of the unknown. And the only thing we know is "being", so…
For your last question, now it's not a big deal for me: the "not being". I have made peace with it. I like to learn new things and unknot mysteries from this universe, so I guess death is just another one of these mysteries.

And lastly, trust your instincts. Not your survivor instincts but the ones that know the truth - you gave your best and you are not happy here. I can tell you're very self-aware by nature. I like you!

Thank you, I really have tried my best. It's now time to follow my heart, what my inner child has been telling me to do for so long.
And also, thank you for the compliment! I like to think I am. And I also like you already!

I am also here if you want to talk! ♥

 

[OceanBlue]

I don't think many people have noticed my presence here, but here I am!

I noticed! A feminist, we need those.

I want to embrace the unknown, but it's so hard because all I know is having conscience.

That's hard.

Yeah, very strange to cease to exist, to accept that your point of view will end.
We are the center of our experience, so in a way a whole universe dies with us.

---

Since we can't escape death, we need to trust people when they tell us it's time for them to leave.

Saying a permanent goodbye is really strange. We're all in a queue and watch everyone disappear behind the door one by one, and someday it's going to be our turn.

I hope it's peaceful and soon enough we'll join you

 

[stermc]

I noticed! A feminist, we need those.


Yeah, very strange to cease to exist, to accept that your point of view will end.
We are the center of our experience, so in a way a whole universe dies with us.

---

Since we can't escape death, we need to trust people when they tell us it's time for them to leave.

Saying a permanent goodbye is really strange. We're all in a queue and watch everyone disappear behind the door one by one, and someday it's going to be our turn.

I hope it's peaceful and soon enough we'll join you

Glad you noticed!

And thanks for validating my feelings. It's exactly what you said: "We are the center of our experience, so in a way a whole universe dies with us."
That's an interesting perspective!

Thank you for your words! It really comforted me.

But I still have some two months or so ahead, so let's keep bugging the patriarchy till then. ♥

 

[Meatshell]

I have never hidden my suicidal tendencies to anyone, honestly. I have always communicated things really clearly to my family, so I am sure they would never do something that was against my will. But again, it's not easy. The amount of fear and sadness I have caused them by just telling my feelings is heartbreaking.

Do you know why you've never hidden your suicidal tendencies? If I told anyone it would be purely for ego reasons - I need them to know where I stand and who I blame so I don't own anything to anyone anymore because it wasn't my choice to be here. It's just not a good reason enough to tell someone, so I don't. But what made you? Was it just a kid's decision?

But it's kind of irrational, I guess.
I was raised as a christian, but I am an atheist for a long time now. I am not afraid of hell or anything. I guess it's normal to be afraid of the unknown. And the only thing we know is "being", so…

Yeah, that's what it sounds like.

For your last question, now it's not a big deal for me: the "not being". I have made peace with it. I like to learn new things and unknot mysteries from this universe, so I guess death is just another one of these mysteries.

That's a great way to look at it!