I think I am almost ready

[stermc]

Hello, everyone!
I don't think many people have noticed my presence here, but here I am!
Finding this forum was a blessing to me. I can finally see a way out - and, somehow, I don't feel like I am going alone.
I got my SN, just need to buy the other meds that are recommended.
I feel almost ready, internally. I have been dealing with depression and bpd for 12 years now, always suicidal, but I never thought I could really do it. I hadn't found a method that felt right, but SN seems pretty reliable, so I guess that's my chance.
I have talked to my parents and some close friends about my thoughts on suicide (I was 12 when I first tried to kill myself, so many of them found out at the time). My parents are sad about it, of course, but they are very understanding. They say they know how much I have tried. I know they are going to feel sad, but I am sure they will survive, and it would be unfair to myself to keep living this life only to make people less sad. I have to think about myself at least this time.
The thing is, because I have bpd, my mood changes really quickly (even though I am on meds), so I am always between "I am doing it" and "I can try to make it work one last time".
I am having a really hard time because of that.
I am sure I don't want to be here anymore. I am at peace with my decision.

I guess I am just afraid.

I want to embrace the unknown, but it's so hard because all I know is having conscience.

That's hard.

Just want to hear different point of views.

Much love to you all

 

[stermc]

Do you know why you've never hidden your suicidal tendencies? If I told anyone it would be purely for ego reasons - I need them to know where I stand and who I blame so I don't own anything to anyone anymore because it wasn't my choice to be here. It's just not a good reason enough to tell someone, so I don't. But what made you? Was it just a kid's decision?

Well, as it says in my profile, I am from Brasil, and in our culture everyone is too close to each other (usually).

I didn't have to say anything, my parents started to realize I was acting "weird" and one day I was sleeping with mama and she saw some cuts in my arms. So it kind of became a family's problem.

At first they didn't understand much about it, even though my mom's brother hanged himself years before. And also I didn't understand because I was just experiencing it. They took me to doctors and at some point it became something we would talk about openly, since I had no one else to talk to and they were worried and wanting to understand.

I think that it became so normal in my home to talk about suicide and depression that I have no problem talking about it to other people till these days. Obviously I don't start a conversation saying I want to kill myself lol but if the subject comes up, I share my experience.

And honestly, I don't even have to tell anything to some people (from my family or not), because everyone is always gossiping about everything.

And I don't give a shit, honestly. I am proud of myself and of who I have become, and I always stand up for myself in case someone says some stupid thing.

 

[Meatshell]

I didn't have to say anything, my parents started to realize I was acting "weird" and one day I was sleeping with mama and she saw some cuts in my arms. So it kind of became a family's problem.

At first they didn't understand much about it, even though my mom's brother hanged himself years before. And also I didn't understand because I was just experiencing it. They took me to doctors and at some point it became something we would talk about openly, since I had no one else to talk to and they were worried and wanting to understand.

I think that it became so normal in my home to talk about suicide and depression that I have no problem talking about it to other people till these days. Obviously I don't start a conversation saying I want to kill myself lol but if the subject comes up, I share my experience.

And honestly, I don't even have to tell anything to some people (from my family or not), because everyone is always gossiping about everything.

Interesting how similar backgrounds have different results. Even though I come from a small town and my family itself is small and kinda close... That did me. My mom was diagnosed with schizophonia when I was 14, so out of concern that I got it too my dad (who passed away 3 years ago) sent me to a psychiatrist. I didn't get it, but the psychiatrist wouldn't listen and prescribed meds didn't even need (which had a long-term side effect that ruined my physical body). I later on demanded a second opinion and managed to clear my name, but the damage has already been done. Not just to my physical health, but also to my mental health, because since then I've been "marked" by social services and such. I'm NOT alone - and that's the problem. It made me really hate people and distance myself. So if I like you, you SHOULD be flattered lol.

And I don't give a shit, honestly. I am proud of myself and of who I have become, and I always stand up for myself in case someone says some stupid thing.

My exact point of view! I used to be this shy, sensitive kid. People would walk all over me. I got sick of it and stopped giving a shit. So liberating!

 

[stermc]

Interesting how similar backgrounds have different results. Even though I come from a small town and my family itself is small and kinda close... That did me. My mom was diagnosed with schizophonia when I was 14, so out of concern that I got it too my dad (who passed away 3 years ago) sent me to a psychiatrist. I didn't get it, but the psychiatrist wouldn't listen and prescribed meds didn't even need (which had a long-term side effect that ruined my physical body). I later on demanded a second opinion and managed to clear my name, but the damage has already been done. Not just to my physical health, but also to my mental health, because since then I've been "marked" by social services and such. I'm NOT alone - and that's the problem. It made me really hate people and distance myself. So if I like you, you SHOULD be flattered lol.

Oh, that's horrible. I am so sorry!
That's one of the things I see the most here. People having horrible experiences with psychiatrists and therapists. I have been there as well, but I never took the treatment very seriously till I found the right psychiatrist and therapist (so I didn't take the meds at the time).
Again, I am sorry this happened to you and also sorry about your dad passing away.


And yes, I was exactly like that: shy, would accept anything… not giving a shit is freeing.

 

[Meatshell]

Oh, that's horrible. I am so sorry!
That's one of the things I see the most here. People having horrible experiences with psychiatrists and therapists. I have been there as well, but I never took the treatment very seriously till I found the right psychiatrist and therapist (so I didn't take the meds at the time).
Again, I am sorry this happened to you and also sorry about your dad passing away.


And yes, I was exactly like that: shy, would accept anything… not giving a shit is freeing.

Definitely. Many of them are driven by money, it's sad.