I tentatively have a ctb date, and I can't stop crying about it

[evanescent_eva]

I don't know what I want out of this thread. I think I'm going to die, either at the end of next week or two weeks from now. And I wanted to be excited about it, but I just feel so sad. I'm bedridden 23 hours a day, unable to move or think, unable to make or keep friends, unable to tell what's real and what's a hallucination. My life is not worth living, and I want to die - I want not to exist more than anything in the world. But the thought of catching the bus just makes me cry, and cry, and cry. I want to be able to write something that will win me care, or sympathy, or pity, or god forbid someone to talk to, but my brain doesn't work well enough to do something like that anymore. All there is is me, crying and having yet another panic attack.

I want to say something comforting and cavalier about how "the world will be better off without me!" but even that's not entirely true - my family will be devastated, my two friends will be devastated, and my poor dog. The light of my life. He won't understand why he was abandoned again. I'm such a terrible person for wanting to die, but I have nothing left to give anymore. I'm expired.

 

[bankai]

I understand and I'm sorry.we are here for you.please vent as much as you can.

If you feel terribly depressed about the bus perhaps it isn't time yet?


Was your dog a rescue?

 

[beandigger404]

Please know that you are absolutely not alone. I react the same way when I pick out my ctb date. The gravity of what's coming hits hard and suddenly like a train. I relate to you very strongly and I understand how you feel ♡

I'm glad that you see that you matter so much to the people around you. Let yourself cry on someone's shoulder and let your emotions run their course instead of bottling it up. Maybe this is a sign that it's not time yet. You deserve to see all the love that's in your heart and surrounding you. I hope you find your peace and recover some day

 

[Namelesa]

Know that people here will give you some of that care and sympathy you want. Suicide can be very scary and stressful to people as its such a big decision and that some wish they could have a better life instead of having to die to save themselves from intense suffering. Know you aren't a terrible person for wanting to die or even if you do go through with it as you deserve not to suffer so much.

 

[darksouls]

I am so sorry you are suffering so much
however you decide
I wish you the best
hope you find the peace you desire

 

[Doll Steak]

I'm so fucking sorry this is how things are, they shouldn't be for anyone ever. I'd say it might be worth it to stick around a little longer, this website is a great place to interact on topics like these without filters or vague shit. I have no Idea what your situation is but I hope you can find peace in life and death. just try and be gentle with yourself okay? just existing in itself is already pretty tough.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I can empathize with you and want to die very soon as well. I am also mostly bedridden with major depression and can hardly move, although I don't hallucinate, I do have pretty bad anxiety too. I cry several times a day and cry thinking about my death. I also have people I will devastate and my beloved dog. But my quality of life is zero. I am seriously mentally ill. You are not alone in your anguish.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

Why don't you try to establish a personal rule? Something like "I will only leave when I am happy with my choice". If you cannot see the beauty of non-existence, it may be that you are not ready. Your pain, although it is always the main reason, should not be the only one. If you do not see the lack of meaning in life itself, not just in yours, perhaps you still need more time. When you are ready, you will understand that the pain of those you leave behind will not be eternal. After all, they accept life as it is and that is their choice. Even your dog, in time, will follow its survival instinct, etc. So reflect on being prepared. Preferably try to see the beauty of non-existence. If you cannot, perhaps you are not ready.

 

[Grog]

I'm such a terrible person for wanting to die, but I have nothing left to give anymore. I'm expired.

You're not a terrible person for wanting to CTB; you're just at your wits end. You've probably been depressed, exhausted, fed up for so long, that your brain's natural response is to try to find a way out of the suffering and pain. It's actually very human. You are not a bad person.

In fact, I think you're a really cool person. You're someone who matters. You're someone worth knowing.

 

[monetpompo]

I'm bedridden 23 hours a day, unable to move or think, unable to make or keep friends, unable to tell what's real and what's a hallucination. My life is not worth living, and I want to die - I want not to exist more than anything in the world. But the thought of catching the bus just makes me cry, and cry, and cry. I want to be able to write something that will win me care, or sympathy, or pity, or god forbid someone to talk to, but my brain doesn't work well enough to do something like that anymore. All there is is me, crying and having yet another panic attack.

we're in this together eva!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! everything sucks!!!!!!!!!!!
i have a pretty close end date myself. i've just been thinking about it. it's pretty haunting to know that you really are going to kill yourself soon. i'm so sorry that you're at the phase where you're grieving your life and crying so much. i've literally just been playing video games and listening to music, so i'm not any better than you. you probably just wanted somebody to understand how you're feeling, i think. i always feel like that when i post something on here, since i think all my feelings are stupid and make no sense. this is probably one of my first threads i've seen from you.

it's alright if you plan to die next week like you said or way later, like next year. you're never not going to die, even if you stop thinking about suicide. my advice is to try and relax even if that's stupid. i know there's no one you want to talk to and nothing you want to hear. it's alright to feel guilty about hurting people, too. i hope you stop feeling bad soon

 

[evanescent_eva]

Thank you so much to everyone who reacted or replied. I feel overwhelmed with emotion right now - I wasn't expecting this kind of response at all. I said in my OP that I didn't know what I wanted from this thread, but I think I needed this kind of diverse set of responses to figure out what felt good and what didn't. This post will get ugly if I quote each and every post, so I'll mostly reply with tags instead.

@bankai, @beandigger404, @Namelesa, @dust-in-the-wind, and @monetpompo, thank you for letting me know explicitly that I'm not alone right now. Everyone who reacted or replied let me know this in a way, but it felt especially good to read it outright.

@Namelesa and @Grog my counting pals, thank you for thinking that I'm not a terrible person for wanting to die. I've basically never gotten this message from anyone in my life, and I will do my best to internalize it. Even if it doesn't feel true. Maybe especially because it doesn't.

@darksouls and @Doll Steak, thank you for expressing sympathy for my suffering and wishing me peace in my decision. Again, this is a message that I've basically never gotten before, and I wonder if I'd be feeling so terrible right now if the people in my life had told me the same thing.

@bankai, @beandigger404, and @Tired_birth_1967, thank you for wondering if it truly is the right time for me to go. I think it is, but I reserve the right to back out if it ends up feeling wrong with the noose around my neck. I hope beyond hope that that doesn't happen.

I can empathize with you and want to die very soon as well. I am also mostly bedridden with major depression and can hardly move, although I don't hallucinate, I do have pretty bad anxiety too. I cry several times a day and cry thinking about my death. I also have people I will devastate and my beloved dog. But my quality of life is zero. I am seriously mentally ill. You are not alone in your anguish.

This was relatable as fuck to read. My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain right now, and if you do end up dying soon, I hope it grants you the relief you're looking for.

In fact, I think you're a really cool person. You're someone who matters. You're someone worth knowing.

This made me weep. Thank you. I think you're really cool too.

we're in this together eva!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! everything sucks!!!!!!!!!!!
i have a pretty close end date myself. i've just been thinking about it. it's pretty haunting to know that you really are going to kill yourself soon. i'm so sorry that you're at the phase where you're grieving your life and crying so much. i've literally just been playing video games and listening to music, so i'm not any better than you. you probably just wanted somebody to understand how you're feeling, i think. i always feel like that when i post something on here, since i think all my feelings are stupid and make no sense. this is probably one of my first threads i've seen from you.

it's alright if you plan to die next week like you said or way later, like next year. you're never not going to die, even if you stop thinking about suicide. my advice is to try and relax even if that's stupid. i know there's no one you want to talk to and nothing you want to hear. it's alright to feel guilty about hurting people, too. i hope you stop feeling bad soon

I desperately needed to read this today. It did a little bit of everything. Thank you so much, monet. In this together, indeed. And I hope I stop feeling bad soon, too.

 

[AreWeWinning]

I don't have much to say, unfortunately, but I understand your pain. The thought of death and not having to worry about anything anymore is glamorous and enticing until we actually try to get down to doing it. At least that's my experience. Thinking about it is fine, or can even bring joy, but whenever I take steps towards actually doing it, a feeling of dread always takes over.

As others have said, we are in this together... BUT death is still lonely. Again, this is just how I experience it. We express our feelings, struggles, and emotional pain, but in the final moments, hours, and days, it's just us against the big unknown. It's scary! No one can tell me anything that would eliminate the fear, the sadness, and the feeling of loneliness. At the end of the day, I'll still be dead. Unlike with other activities – where we're motivated by a possible reward and sense of accomplishment – there is no reward here. We won't belong, and we won't be able to celebrate and feel good about having solved our problems – we'll just die. What could possibly be said to make someone feel good about that?

I want to give you sympathy and care, and I can to an extent. But beyond a certain point, I can't. I don't know how to... :/

The world is not going to be a better place without you. But life will go on. It's just the usual nihilistic bullshit I'm talking about. Nothing matters in the end. I say that, but then again, sometimes that's not how I feel. I really don't think it's possible to be at peace with catching the bus.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

I don't have much to say, unfortunately, but I understand your pain. The thought of death and not having to worry about anything anymore is glamorous and enticing until we actually try to get down to doing it. At least that's my experience. Thinking about it is fine, or can even bring joy, but whenever I take steps towards actually doing it, a feeling of dread always takes over.

As others have said, we are in this together... BUT death is still lonely. Again, this is just how I experience it. We express our feelings, struggles, and emotional pain, but in the final moments, hours, and days, it's just us against the big unknown. It's scary! No one can tell me anything that would eliminate the fear, the sadness, and the feeling of loneliness. At the end of the day, I'll still be dead. Unlike with other activities – where we're motivated by a possible reward and sense of accomplishment – there is no reward here. We won't belong, and we won't be able to celebrate and feel good about having solved our problems – we'll just die. What could possibly be said to make someone feel good about that?

I want to give you sympathy and care, and I can to an extent. But beyond a certain point, I can't. I don't know how to... :/

The world is not going to be a better place without you. But life will go on. It's just the usual nihilistic bullshit I'm talking about. Nothing matters in the end. I say that, but then again, sometimes that's not how I feel. I really don't think it's possible to be at peace with catching the bus.

This happens because instinct is always stronger. As much as we know empirically or through mere observation that life has no meaning, we also have the fear of losing, perhaps a chance to feel truly good. Obviously, someone in bed, suffering, without even being able to clean their own feces, probably doesn't expect anything better. When I think about these people and when I think that I was just luckier than them, and when I think that nothing guarantees that I won't go through this, non-existence is beautiful. Life is a game. It will never be more than that, no matter how much we fantasize about it. It's up to each one of us to choose whether to play or not.