I still go to sleep wishing I had died

[Rustysoupcan]

I had attempted by partial on the night of February 24th. I obviously failed, and got myself chaptered. I spent 3 weeks in the hospital, 1 week in a crisis bed, and have now been in a group home for about 3 weeks, and I will be here for about 2 more months.

My depression has gotten a little bit better, it is easier to get out of bed, but though it is easier, it is still hard sometimes. And every night I lay there, wishing I wasn't alive. Wishing thing went according to plan and I had died on Feburary 24th. Now I'm afraid to attempt again because I've seen how hurt I make my SO, and that's when I'm still alive. I cannot put him through the grief of a lover taking their life, while you stood by thinking you should have done more.

I don't want to be in this world, and I dont want to recover either. I want to continue to be a waste of space on this earth. It's what will keep everyone happy.

 

[Red]

Me too
But I say to myself that I'm allowed that, that maybe that's what is actually keeping me alive?
Because the minute I don't want to die and really start enjoying life, I'll die, because life is exactly that contrary.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I'm assuming you passed out by partial, can you give me the details of the partial? Much appreciated!

 

[WornOutLife]

I can relate.

After my failed attempt last year, which I thought was gonna 100% work, I just wish I had died that day everyday.

Sure, I still have some good days but damn, having got peace last year would've been so awesome!

 

[nopointofliving]

I feel the same
I don't know where to go