Hi @vkore, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You remind me a lot of me - I have severe social issues, I can't keep my house clean, ever, my career is very meh and perhaps most importantly, I swing between acute suicidal ideation and hopes for a better life. I will now over-share a bit to maybe provide you with some ideas about what perspectives in this situation can look like:
Open discussion and exploration of suicidality as a coping method: Wanting to die is incredibly stigmatized. Allowing yourself to openly think about and consider it as a real option that can be taken if you wish can be cathartic and help you reflect on life and death much better than when only thinking about suicide in connection to stigmatization and shame. Recently, when I was at a very low point, I planned my death in vivid detail, thinking about burials, settling my debts and donating my stuff. Very often in life, I feel like I don't have any control over my existence - I can't make people like me, can't find I job I enjoy, can't make myself conventionally attractive. Planning my death and realising that this is a realistic course of action I can go through, that I can make all of this go away and that I am not powerless in this is a great source of comfort and it gives me strength and hope to try out everything before I decide to end it.
Chaotic career paths: I only started to go to uni at 23. When I was 21, I was hopeless and working in a minimum wage job in social services, dealing with violent clients 10 hours a day. I didn't really think it would be better. Going to study was more or less an accident. Even now, I'm only interning (at 25 years old) and my longest employment has been 10 months. I know there are over-achievers everywhere but 21 is quite early to conclude that there is no perspective for you, I didn't have any back then either.
Fucked up social skills: I got diagnosed with autism at the age of 24. Before that, people didn't really suspect it. For me, it's at least a tiny relief. I find interacting with people a little bit easier when I disclose that and there now are people with whom I have had friendly interaction for over a year now. I turned 25 recently and this year has been the first year ever I celebrated my birthday with people who seem to care about me (my grandma made me a cake when I was a child but there were no friends present so that doesn't count). Don't get me wrong, bad social relations and especially no relationship are still my biggest sources of suffering here. But it can change even in the mid-twenties. It might not of course, but it can.
Bad organisation and messy flats: It feels like a bit of a defeat but I've admitted to myself that I just can't do this because of my autism + adhd combo. I applied for an assistence in household and will have a person that comes and helps me clean and do my laundry on a weekly basis. Is this something I want to tell the outside world? Nah, definitely not but it allows me to have energy for my work and studies and build a life for myself. Because I won't ever function as a neurotypical person can. I can either try to live with it or choose to not accept it and kill myself. I think both are valid but since one of them is permanent, I will be doing them in this order.
