Discussion I still experience big spikes in suicidal feelings despite getting marginally better

[CrazyDiamond04]

I've been able to improve some things in my life but I still experience a lot of intensive suicidal thoughts every night whenever I think about my life or future. I'll be okay during the day but at night I just have this urge to end it all despite the day not really being that bad. I hate thinking about the future. Anytime I think about or am reminded of my upcoming 20th birthday it just sends me into a spiral of self-hatred. I still have this underlying urge to CTB despite everything else.

 

[Valky]

That is okay, our brains sadly get used to such stuff and it kinda becomes a habit to be reminded of it, don't lose hope.

Especially at night, when our body is exhausted, our brain might start to cycle. It's exhausted but still going strong which can lead to such negative thoughts and doubts. It is more than normal to be so anxious about the future, especially at that age but remember: one step at a time :)
You could try to give your brain some outlet to get out all that extra embers by doing puzzles or quizzes so it has things to work on instead of troubling itself over the future.
I know that the unknown can be quite frightening but it is important to remember that you (hopefully) have a lot of support during even hard times and especially, you have yourself to always rely on. :)

Hope this helps!

 

[kelimackie]

Are you on any antipsychotics? I used to feel exactly like that when I took risperidon at night.
I felt I was doing good during the day, and at night this massive wave of depression hit me.

I quitted that med and that doesn't happen anymore. When this feeling happens sporadically, I try only observing these thoughts and not engage with them, not paying mind to them, and they usually go away. It's something I learned from a book about BPD.

 

[Ironborn]

If I don't keep myself distracted the thoughts always creep back in.
It's exhausting trying to keep it up.
When I take a break all I can think about is the futility of it all.
Hell of a struggle.

 

[CrazyDiamond04]

Are you on any antipsychotics? I used to feel exactly like that when I took risperidon at night.
I felt I was doing good during the day, and at night this massive wave of depression hit me.

I quitted that med and that doesn't happen anymore. When this feeling happens sporadically, I try only observing these thoughts and not engage with them, not paying mind to them, and they usually go away. It's something I learned from a book about BPD.

No, I don't use any sort of medication. I think it's mostly just a mental thing. I can distract myself the rest of the day but it's harder to do that at night.

That is okay, our brains sadly get used to such stuff and it kinda becomes a habit to be reminded of it, don't lose hope.

Especially at night, when our body is exhausted, our brain might start to cycle. It's exhausted but still going strong which can lead to such negative thoughts and doubts. It is more than normal to be so anxious about the future, especially at that age but remember: one step at a time :)
You could try to give your brain some outlet to get out all that extra embers by doing puzzles or quizzes so it has things to work on instead of troubling itself over the future.
I know that the unknown can be quite frightening but it is important to remember that you (hopefully) have a lot of support during even hard times and especially, you have yourself to always rely on. :)

Hope this helps!

Thanks! :) I try to keep myself distracted as best I can. I've been trying harder recently in regards to getting better and I still have hope that it might pay off. I'm not ready to leave quite yet.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I'm not sure if it's when you are trying to sleep or not, but I often have intense episodes when trying to sleep that keep me up throughout the entire night. What's helped me is using melatonin gummies and listening to audiobooks. There's a website I could list that has a lot of audiobooks for free, though it is plagued with ads, so you'd need an adblocker. An alternative is to listen to long video essays on YouTube or something. Melatonin is naturally produced by your body so taking melatonin gummies is just a supplement to it. You can get them at any grocery store and they're non-habit-forming.