Venting I still cry about the past

[ForgottenAgain]

Both happy and sad memories make me cry tears of sadness. I think about the past at least every day, things that happened more than a decade ago. I recall my most vivid memories of my mother being her on the phone while I was trying to talk to her, or her working on the PC while I was trying to talk to her or being at her job because she was still working.

Then it's her death, it was so long ago, 16 years ago. Arriving home and she is screaming and being taken away, staring blankly ahead in her wheel chair, cold to the touch, a shell of what she was.

Happy memories are sad today since the places are gone and the people in them are dead. I was happy once, that hurts in the present and has hurt for quite a while.

I don't know what to do about it, it's the past, it's gone but it makes me so sad... I feel like I'm always craving attention from the person I love, wanting more and more and it's never enough. I always feel a bit abandoned even though I'm not. I feel so lonely, I'm always so lonely, life is so lonely, I'm alone, I feel alone, so alone...

 

[Tired_of_myself]

I'm sorry for your loss. Grief is something we always carry with us, I think.

besides the things they tell us to do - therapy, medicines, etc - I don't really know what to tell you... everything I learned in life was from books, movies, music... there's a Japanese film that I really like about grief and lost of loved ones, which is called Afterlife (director Koreeda). I believe that we only feel at peace with our feelings when they become more subjective, so they become lighter. Rationalizing the loss makes it much more real and heavy.

I wish you the best