I showered for the first time in months and felt the worse I have been in months

[jamie_]

I saw this meme on twitter today and it is literally me to the extreme
I am not alive anymore. I simply distract myself from remembering that I am. That is why I can't do things like shower. In the shower I cannot distract myself and I immediately feel the pain of remembering things. I can not do and actively avoid anything where I have moments to think (shower, workout, walk, chores, or learn because literally anything that isn't distracting myself on my laptop) because if I do I immediately feel pain. I have to look at a screen until I pass out at night as I can not last 5 minutes allowing myself to think.

 

[grosz]

I absouletly got it the same, I just have to do something to not think about all the shit that has happened to me and is happening to me therefore I am occupied most of the day xd and this sucks all the energy from me so I am stuck in that fucking cycle until I kill myself xd

 

[SectOfValtiel]

yeah, same
its part of why i cant really listen to music anymore- it gives me too much room to think, makes me feel things and thats just not something i can handle lately
even distractions arent helping much anymore
it was easier when i had weed, you just smoke and play a game and usually those thoughts stay far enough back
usually...
but without it? its like every second im on edge and scared of my own thoughts

i should be researching my mental illnesses and looking for healthier coping mechanisms
i should be going on walks and forcing myself to be social
i should be seeing my doctor again, getting back on meds, looking for a job...
but all of that feels impossible when im constantly literally one thought away from a breakdown no matter what i do

youre right, thats not living
thats no way to live

 

[jamie_]

yeah, same
its part of why i cant really listen to music anymore- it gives me too much room to think, makes me feel things and thats just not something i can handle lately
even distractions arent helping much anymore
it was easier when i had weed, you just smoke and play a game and usually those thoughts stay far enough back
usually...
but without it? its like every second im on edge and scared of my own thoughts

i should be researching my mental illnesses and looking for healthier coping mechanisms
i should be going on walks and forcing myself to be social
i should be seeing my doctor again, getting back on meds, looking for a job...
but all of that feels impossible when im constantly literally one thought away from a breakdown no matter what i do

youre right, thats not living
thats no way to live

i couldn't have expressed it better. i am the same with music. i used to love it and now it is too painful. i was so productive, and did the right balance of everything. i was healthy, felt like i had it all, felt i was always improving myself in every aspect. i couldn't be further from that now if i tried.

 

[pris]

it brings me, some kind of emotion, im not sure what. That im not the only one who barely showers and lives like a ghost. It's hard to think and any time i try to think i just sound like a pseud and it's all negative thoughts. I've been binging a drug for the past 3 days. I'm stopping now. maybe we could be friends if we have something in common. Im also the same with music, but I didn't realize why until just now.

 

[jamie_]

maybe we could be friends if we have something in common

of course!

 

[farFSightcloseTHart]

The more you postpone pain the bigger it grows and the less tolerance you have for it but Im sure you know that.

 

[NeverEndingPain]

I saw this meme on twitter today and it is literally me to the extreme View attachment 102088
I am not alive anymore. I simply distract myself from remembering that I am. That is why I can't do things like shower. In the shower I cannot distract myself and I immediately feel the pain of remembering things. I can not do and actively avoid anything where I have moments to think (shower, workout, walk, chores, or learn because literally anything that isn't distracting myself on my laptop) because if I do I immediately feel pain. I have to look at a screen until I pass out at night as I can not last 5 minutes allowing myself to think.

Are you able to get dressed or go out?

 

[flyingtopluto]

I also understand how you feel. I spend nearly everyday distracting myself with games or other forms of media to keep me detached from reality. Whenever I snap out of it, all the regret and disappointment comes flooding in and I become really self-destructive.

 

[almaranthine]

I haven't showered in a week... my personal hygiene has taken a massive downward plunge in the past year. Living by myself does not help... if I lived with a roommate or a family member the anxiety of them knowing I haven't showered and judging me would push me to do it. I am not able to live a healthy life and support myself on my own. I hate having time to think and remember all the gruesome, traumatic, and depressing details of my life. The unrelenting cycle of negative thoughts and pain is insufferable.

 

[freevoid]

I relate to this very much. The pain of boredom from ADHD is so intense and immediate. Even though my anhedonia is such that I don't truly enjoy anything anymore, I still read or listen to music near constantly.

 

[jamie_]

Are you able to get dressed or go out?

Nope

Whenever I snap out of it, all the regret and disappointment comes flooding in

This is the same for me. All the things I wish I did or said becomes too painful.

Even though my anhedonia is such that I don't truly enjoy anything anymore

Even though my anhedonia is such too, I can't even do things that I never used to enjoy per se anyway but at least got by fine in doing. I used to be so competent at doing everything that just needed to be done now matter how mundane or how much effort it took. I was good around the house, maintaining the perfect diet which was so incredibly boring, studying in an effective structured way. My whole life was so efficient and good. Even thinking about that now is so painful. I used to be so good at life. I used to love life.

I hate having time to think

I am same. It adds to the anhedonia. I can't do anything I enjoy like going to the gym because it is just far too much time sat reflecting about the same thing in a new painfully annoying way every time no matter how much time passes.

 

[jamie_]

The more you postpone pain the bigger it grows and the less tolerance you have for it but Im sure you know that.

Wrong. I agree with this mantra in terms of delaying things you don't want to do to the last minute. I want to do these things. It doesn't increase pain putting it off, putting it off is done because of the pain. The pain is the same whenever. A constant. It's not like I have always been like this.

 

[wait.what]

God, I know how the OP feels. My only saving grace has been that I write fiction, or at least I used to. During my most restless periods I pre-wrote in my head a lot. For about a year after my mother died I did nothing but wander aimlessly around my college campus, time of day and weather be damned. Some weirdo started following me at one point; I did that thing where you make 4 lefts to see if someone is really after you, and he was. Fortunately I was able to duck into a building and lose him. You'd think that might keep me in the house at night, but you'd be wrong. I didn't actually want to get robbed or murdered, but I didn't feel that strongly about it. I just knew I couldn't sit still inside and replay my mom's death in my head over and over. (It wasn't violent, but was horrible enough anyway.) My writing output was pretty hit or miss at that time, but there was some decent stuff, I guess. Wasn't worth it, but then I wasn't offered a choice of realities.

I don't write anymore. Or more accurately I only write short to medium posts on a couple internet forums. For a while I couldn't do music either—it made too many emotional demands on me. I stuck with ambient noise, like flowing water or chirping birds. Thank God I'm not that bad anymore. I already can't walk like I once did (arthritis), and doomscrolling on the internet just turns the horror up several notches. Mostly I sleep these days. I don't know how—who's tired 16 hours a day? Still, I've managed it, & it's a blessing.

Oh—when I'm severely depressed I don't bathe either. Just wanted to add to the assurance that that's a "normal" abnormality, lol.

 

[jamie_]

What mental illness does to a mfer:

 

[my-end]

What mental illness does to a mfer:

Close them all. I dare you.

 

[jamie_]

Close them all. I dare you.

but how will i be able to remember about the one youtube video that i've saved for later that i'll never in a million years watch anyway?

 

[Pluto]

I relate to this a lot. With a lot of straining, I've managed to maintain part-time work and a fitness routine, but as soon as I reflect on the problems and solutions (or lack thereof) of my life situation, I immediately spiral to a state of absolute distress. Reading stupid articles and watching irrelevant videos is my drug.

 

[my-end]

but how will i be able to remember about the one youtube video that i've saved for later that i'll never in a million years watch anyway?

 

[jamie_]

fitness routine

i don't know how you manage to strain through it. there's too many moments where i'm able to think (rest between sets/exercise etc) for me to cope with that anymore.

 

[Viranamari]

Same here. Reality is just so undesirable that I divert my thoughts to fantasy. Maybe it's because of my anhedonia but I never see reality as something I'd like to deal with. Doctors label it as " unable to take care of self" and that's true. I can't because if the very same reason you have. Of course I'd like to get better but it's easier said than done. Anyways, I wish you luck.