Venting I should not be here at all

[Cirno]

I'm on strong medication from psychiatrist, I should go to therapy too, but I don't have money for it. I should make myself feel better, and try to heal, get out of this shit hole.

But there's a problem:

I don't want to

I know I I should want to be healthy, to be like normal people, because that's what human brain is supposed to want: survive, to survive you have to be relatively healthy person. When you're physically sick, you take meds and try to recover as fast as possible to be healthy again. Here I am- I'm sick, mentally, and I don't want to be healthy again.

I don't know why do I feel so much comfort in fact that I'm sick, I should desire for all this fucked up thoughts to go away, but I like them. Dreaming about dying became a routine, and it grew on me. I started to like these thoughts, even though I should hate them. When I'm sick and I have a symptom, I want it to disappear. My symptom is my desire to die, and I don't want it gone for some reason... Do someone actually have some answer to this? Why so I feel so good being sick. I don't want to be healthy, I like it here, in my own dark thoughts eating me up.

I shouldn't be here at all, it makes my brain's desire to love these symptoms even bigger. I should learn to hate this sickness, I should hate this mental horror. That's what everyone says. It's like being in a toxic relationship, a Stockholm syndrome.

I love my disease.

 

[DivineSpark]

I am on strong meds as well, I have some minor side effects but I have avoided major side effects, I guess I am little bit lucky.

 

[RoseGirl]

That's so real tbh. I've like always been a little bit obsessed w mental illness and suicidality. Some of my favorite characters growing up were pretty mentally ill. Namely homura and yuno.
Uhm it's like kinda sad to see myself be in such a pathetic state but it's almost like it was how things were ment to be.
t~t
When I was just depressed and anxious i was okay with that but now my bpd symptoms have manifested in full it's so unbearable to be in my own skin.

Uhm i can definetly understand the prettiness in the suffering and the dark desires and the want to keep them around

 

[Jisatsu]

The strong medication I'm supposed to take makes me feel like I'm overdosed ... so I don't take it .

I don't see a point in asking for it to be changed

 

[Praestat_Mori]

The thought about death is comforting bc death is the relief from all suffering and pain we have to endure.

Suicidal thoughts are not an illness they are a result of (unbearable) circumstances we are exposed to (e.g. severe health issues and so on)

The permanent thoughts about death are "burnt" into our brain and after a long time it's like an unbreakable mind loop that can't be deleted anymore.

 

[brokencookie]

I'm on strong medication from psychiatrist, I should go to therapy too, but I don't have money for it. I should make myself feel better, and try to heal, get out of this shit hole.

But there's a problem:

I don't want to

I know I I should want to be healthy, to be like normal people, because that's what human brain is supposed to want: survive, to survive you have to be relatively healthy person. When you're physically sick, you take meds and try to recover as fast as possible to be healthy again. Here I am- I'm sick, mentally, and I don't want to be healthy again.

I don't know why do I feel so much comfort in fact that I'm sick, I should desire for all this fucked up thoughts to go away, but I like them. Dreaming about dying became a routine, and it grew on me. I started to like these thoughts, even though I should hate them. When I'm sick and I have a symptom, I want it to disappear. My symptom is my desire to die, and I don't want it gone for some reason... Do someone actually have some answer to this? Why so I feel so good being sick. I don't want to be healthy, I like it here, in my own dark thoughts eating me up.

I shouldn't be here at all, it makes my brain's desire to love these symptoms even bigger. I should learn to hate this sickness, I should hate this mental horror. That's what everyone says. It's like being in a toxic relationship, a Stockholm syndrome.

I love my disease.

I feel ya!
Also as someone who has chronic pain, doctors can do absolutely nothing to help you, that's why I'm still in pain lol

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

The permanent thoughts about death are "burnt" into our brain and after a long time it's like an unbreakable mind loop that can't be deleted anymore.

That's where I'm at. Any recovery I make is going to entail my having to reconcile what has become an entire chapter in my life of having ideation on top of the trauma and problems that brought me here in the first place. This leaves me with the feeling that while I'm afloat and treading water the tide continues to pull me out.