Venting I should not be here at all

[Cirno]

I'm on strong medication from psychiatrist, I should go to therapy too, but I don't have money for it. I should make myself feel better, and try to heal, get out of this shit hole.

But there's a problem:

I don't want to

I know I I should want to be healthy, to be like normal people, because that's what human brain is supposed to want: survive, to survive you have to be relatively healthy person. When you're physically sick, you take meds and try to recover as fast as possible to be healthy again. Here I am- I'm sick, mentally, and I don't want to be healthy again.

I don't know why do I feel so much comfort in fact that I'm sick, I should desire for all this fucked up thoughts to go away, but I like them. Dreaming about dying became a routine, and it grew on me. I started to like these thoughts, even though I should hate them. When I'm sick and I have a symptom, I want it to disappear. My symptom is my desire to die, and I don't want it gone for some reason... Do someone actually have some answer to this? Why so I feel so good being sick. I don't want to be healthy, I like it here, in my own dark thoughts eating me up.

I shouldn't be here at all, it makes my brain's desire to love these symptoms even bigger. I should learn to hate this sickness, I should hate this mental horror. That's what everyone says. It's like being in a toxic relationship, a Stockholm syndrome.

I love my disease.

 

[DivineSpark]

I am on strong meds as well, I have some minor side effects but I have avoided major side effects, I guess I am little bit lucky.

 

[RoseGirl]

That's so real tbh. I've like always been a little bit obsessed w mental illness and suicidality. Some of my favorite characters growing up were pretty mentally ill. Namely homura and yuno.
Uhm it's like kinda sad to see myself be in such a pathetic state but it's almost like it was how things were ment to be.
t~t
When I was just depressed and anxious i was okay with that but now my bpd symptoms have manifested in full it's so unbearable to be in my own skin.

Uhm i can definetly understand the prettiness in the suffering and the dark desires and the want to keep them around

 

[Blueberry Panic]

The strong medication I'm supposed to take makes me feel like I'm overdosed ... so I don't take it .

I don't see a point in asking for it to be changed

 

[Praestat_Mori]

The thought about death is comforting bc death is the relief from all suffering and pain we have to endure.

Suicidal thoughts are not an illness they are a result of (unbearable) circumstances we are exposed to (e.g. severe health issues and so on)

The permanent thoughts about death are "burnt" into our brain and after a long time it's like an unbreakable mind loop that can't be deleted anymore.