I should break up with my boyfriend

[burninghill]

He's such a nice person but I really should break up with him.

I'm not a great person and I get frustrated very easily because of how depressed and exhausted I am, I don't want to leave the house or be touched which he also can't seem to understand. He'll poke me and kiss me when I've said no, which besides depression, is also just shit because I'm autistic and that sucks.

I just don't think I'm a good person, or somebody who can support him in the way he wants. I also don't like feeling owned by somebody else and I definitely feel that way with him, like when he makes jokes about how I'm his and that parts of me are 'reserved' for him.

I know I should break up with him but I guess I just don't want to feel like a failure.

 

[webb&flow]

He'll poke me and kiss me when I've said no,

Yikes…

you deserve a man who will actually respect your boundaries and your body.

I guess I just don't want to feel like a failure.

A partner who treats you in the way that he treats you, can also make you feel like you're "not worth" a lot and that you're "too worthless to have chances finding someone else". I wouldn't be surprised if he has said such things to you either. (I do accept that not all your self-perception originates from one person; but having such a person around does have real negative effects on self-worth as well, just one factor in this situation.)

like when he makes jokes about how I'm his and that parts of me are 'reserved' for him.

the way he words that, that really concerns me.

https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Sexual_objectification

Academic description

According to philosopher Martha Nussbaum, sexual objectification of women positions them in relation to men:

• as a tool for another's purposes (instrumentality);
• as if lacking in agency or self-determination (denial of autonomy, inertness);
• as if owned by another (ownership);
• as if interchangeable (fungibility);
• as if permissible to damage or destroy (violability);
• as if there is no need for concern for their feelings and experiences (denial of subjectivity)[6]

 

[coolcow1289]

Yikes…

you deserve a man who will actually respect your boundaries and your body.


A partner who treats you in the way that he treats you, can also make you feel like you're "not worth" a lot and that you're "too worthless to have chances finding someone else". I wouldn't be surprised if he has said such things to you either. (I do accept that not all your self-perception originates from one person; but having such a person around does have real negative effects on self-worth as well, just one factor in this situation.)


yeah this is an awful person. You deserve someone who will actually respect your autonomy and recognize your humanity.

"This is an awful person"

How could you possibly know that from like a paragraph description. Most of the things she describes just sound like normal relationship stuff that you're projecting onto.

 

[burninghill]

Yikes…

you deserve a man who will actually respect your boundaries and your body.


A partner who treats you in the way that he treats you, can also make you feel like you're "not worth" a lot and that you're "too worthless to have chances finding someone else". I wouldn't be surprised if he has said such things to you either. (I do accept that not all your self-perception originates from one person; but having such a person around does have real negative effects on self-worth as well, just one factor in this situation.)


yeah this is an awful person. You deserve someone who will actually respect your autonomy and recognize your humanity.

He really is nice, he never talks down to me and I think he's quite insecure himself. I'm autistic and disassociate a lot so the lack of physical boundaries really does just bother me. I've told him quite firmly a few times when I say not to touch me, I mean no touching at all- he just constantly tries to push his limits, maybe he can just put a hand on my back or my leg.

I'm also just not sure if I can be with someone who can't support my mental health struggles, I understand that it's not for everybody and it's not anybody's duty to take care of me, but the way he responds really just makes me feel that he doesn't care beyond the integrity of our relationship.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I

Yikes…

you deserve a man who will actually respect your boundaries and your body.


A partner who treats you in the way that he treats you, can also make you feel like you're "not worth" a lot and that you're "too worthless to have chances finding someone else". I wouldn't be surprised if he has said such things to you either. (I do accept that not all your self-perception originates from one person; but having such a person around does have real negative effects on self-worth as well, just one factor in this situation.)


yeah this is an awful person. You deserve someone who will actually respect your autonomy and recognize your humanity.

I don't mean to be rude but its a bit difficult to get "awful person" from such a small thing, OP can wish to leave someone they care about without it being an evil abusive relationship..
While I am autistic and I fully understand the feeling of failure and hate for being touched when I don't want to, and I think its a very important boundary, some people will js not understand it and playfully poke around it, not bc they're evil, but because they don't understand
I do agree op should leave if they feel this is not the relationship for them, I'd suggest talking about it with him first, sitting down and having a discussion about these issues and choosing where to go from there
I don't think suddenly n abruptly breaking up with someone will ever fully be the way to go

 

[webb&flow]

I really hope that at least one day you find someone who will actually respect your boundaries. Someone who will both support you through your mental health struggles as well as respecting your body and wishes <3<3

I

I don't mean to be rude but its a bit difficult to get "awful person" from such a small thing, OP can wish to leave someone they care about without it being an evil abusive relationship..
While I am autistic and I fully understand the feeling of failure and hate for being touched when I don't want to, and I think its a very important boundary, some people will js not understand it and playfully poke around it, not bc they're evil, but because they don't understand
I do agree op should leave if they feel this is not the relationship for them, I'd suggest talking about it with him first, sitting down and having a discussion about these issues and choosing where to go from there
I don't think suddenly n abruptly breaking up with someone will ever fully be the way to go

I completely agree; dialogue first is absolutely preferable to an unexplained breakup.

I'd suggest talking about it with him first, sitting down and having a discussion about these issues and choosing where to go from there

This is the right way to go. Thank you for clarifying this ♥

 

[burninghill]

I

I don't mean to be rude but its a bit difficult to get "awful person" from such a small thing, OP can wish to leave someone they care about without it being an evil abusive relationship..
While I am autistic and I fully understand the feeling of failure and hate for being touched when I don't want to, and I think its a very important boundary, some people will js not understand it and playfully poke around it, not bc they're evil, but because they don't understand
I do agree op should leave if they feel this is not the relationship for them, I'd suggest talking about it with him first, sitting down and having a discussion about these issues and choosing where to go from there
I don't think suddenly n abruptly breaking up with someone will ever fully be the way to go

I definitely don't agree that he's an awful person but I have had these discussions with him, I'm a very firm person and I make it known when my boundaries are being crossed on all occasions.

I don't think he's doing anything evil or malicious, he just isn't really properly taking into account the things that I tell him make me uncomfortable.

 

[kkkctb]

Just tell him yooo big boi no touch until I said so

 

[burninghill]

Just tell him yooo big boi no touch until I said so

Believe it or not, I have!

 

[nettspend]

Sounds like you two expect different things from a relationship, and he's not willing to respect what your expectations, boundaries are. You mention that he's a nice person, but that doesn't mean you're compatible. Are you in love with him?

 

[burninghill]

Sounds like you two expect different things from a relationship, and he's not willing to respect what your expectations, boundaries are. You mention that he's a nice person, but that doesn't mean you're compatible. Are you in love with him?

To be honest I don't like him all that much. I know that's bad to say. I'm bipolar and was really into him at first but it wore off quickly which is a cycle I go through with all of my relationships (platonic or romantic). I should definitely break up with him, it's just so much internal and social effort. I'd rather just die this way, but at the same time I don't want to die tethered to someone I dislike.

 

[+lostdog+]

maybe you should, op. it sounds like he needs the physical touch whereas you can't stand it. those are very important to each of you. but thats just my opinion, and im just one voice.