willitpass
The awful things we do to make the head go quiet
- Mar 10, 2020
- 3,399
There is no point to anything anymore. I'm American. My government is publicly executing peaceful citizens and publicly defaming them without so much as an investigation. They twist what our eyes and ears see so boldly. We are arguably already in a civil war, and one step away from a world war. I am unemployed and in massive debt I can't pay and likely will never have the money to pay. I'm ignoring it because there's nothing I can do about it anyway, and even if I could work something out, what's the point? Will there even be a country left a year or two from now? I have ever failing physical health and am trying to navigate a broken healthcare system that isn't designed to help patients thrive, it's designed to keep the pockets of the CEOs filled so they can buy another vacation house. The doctors and nurses are overworked, underpaid, and under appreciated. And the mental healthcare system is a joke. I have maxed out what it has to offer me, even the clinical trials and research opportunities. I don't have the physical ability to go out and protest or help fight for my country.
I don't have a future for myself. I haven't checked my credit, but I know it's horrific due to my unpaid debt. I won't be able to rent a new apartment when my time comes to leave this one. I won't be able to get another car. No chance in hell I'll ever be able to own a home. And I don't even have the money to get groceries. My family are paying my bills for me. I don't contribute to society. My days are spent at home, sleeping, scrolling, maybe reading or doing a puzzle if I have the energy. I see no point in anything. Both personally and as an American, there is no future for me. I know America will re-create itself. It won't ever be the same country that I grew up in, in many ways that will be for the better, but in many ways I am mourning the loss of the good that I grew up in. But I do not have the stamina to be around for that.
I'm exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. Morally. I am broken. I am tired. I see nothing but evil all around me so much of the time. It brings me hope when I see the positivity and community breaking through in this hell, but I don't have enough strength to stay and wait for the evil to take its course before the good rebuilds, just as history always does. I'm so ready to leave.
I don't have a future for myself. I haven't checked my credit, but I know it's horrific due to my unpaid debt. I won't be able to rent a new apartment when my time comes to leave this one. I won't be able to get another car. No chance in hell I'll ever be able to own a home. And I don't even have the money to get groceries. My family are paying my bills for me. I don't contribute to society. My days are spent at home, sleeping, scrolling, maybe reading or doing a puzzle if I have the energy. I see no point in anything. Both personally and as an American, there is no future for me. I know America will re-create itself. It won't ever be the same country that I grew up in, in many ways that will be for the better, but in many ways I am mourning the loss of the good that I grew up in. But I do not have the stamina to be around for that.
I'm exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. Morally. I am broken. I am tired. I see nothing but evil all around me so much of the time. It brings me hope when I see the positivity and community breaking through in this hell, but I don't have enough strength to stay and wait for the evil to take its course before the good rebuilds, just as history always does. I'm so ready to leave.
