i screwed up my last attempt by telling my friend i would do it, trying not to repeat it

[eggsausagerice]

i guess because it would feel good to be told "noooo!! don't do it!". but he'll probably just call the cops on me again. he would totally do it again. i mostly just want someone to comfort me and tell me that i actually don't need to kill myself, even though i've really already made up my mind. do you guys feel that way too? sorry if i'm getting parasocial on the suicide forum. i've been texting my irl friend less since i've been planning my attempt. i still miss him, but i have bad impulse control so i would mention wanting to kill myself again.

i'm thinking about talking to AI on my last day but that might make me feel more lonely. i feel more comfortable being on my own instead of trying to reach out to people because i always feel like a burden when i do. it's hard to deal with feeling so alone. i know i'm not supposed to talk to people when i'm so depressed, though. they'll just get annoyed or feel uncomfortable, but have to pretend they want to listen to me. it sucks to be such a big burden to everyone. i'm just meant to repress the feeling to avoid bothering anyone or make them worried about me for no reason. i'm trying to avoid sending some self pitying text like "i'm sorry that i ruined our friendship" since that would just be a red flag. i already have a goodbye letter i plan on sending to him in advance. i just want to hear from him again, even if that's dumb. i hope he makes better friends than me when i'm dead. i'm just not the same person he met. i got worse and he got better.

 

[EmptyBottle]

PS: CTB isn't an obligation @monetpompo
And yep, I've sometimes told AI things I wouldn't talk about to other humans, from technical to nsfl.

 

[AreWeWinning]

I know it's a lonely journey. That's how I feel whenever I'm close to doing it. But letting others know about your plans is a sure recipe for disaster.

By all means, talk to people, reach out to people, and talk to your friends. But I wouldn't make an attempt if others even have the slightest idea of what I'm up to. Even just talking to people during the last days or hours, without mentioning it, can be dangerous, as people might sense that something is wrong. They might decide to check on you. If they can't find you, they might look for you or call the police. This is a recipe for being found exactly at the wrong time. I'd be paranoid about that.

But yeah, it's lonely... Actually, loneliness, and being lonely in the last moments is one of the things I struggle with the most, so I can understand. But it also makes me realise that this is something I have to accept and deal with if I'm serious about doing it. There is no way to change it. Except maybe assisted suicide, where people are forced to accept your choice because it's legal, so they can't do anything about it.

 

[TAW122]

I would just refrain from telling your friend because it's a risky prospect. Even if some people are not 'mandated reporters' (unsure if your friend is one), most people still 'act' because of their moral values superceding your interests, which sucks for sure, but that's with almost all humans who know that someone may/will CTB. I hope you find peace in whatever you choose to do.

@AreWeWinning Yes, I agree that CTB is a lonely, solitary journey and even years ago, I've always held the philosophy of "we all come into this world alone (at least in the womb, prior to being introduced to society) and will leave it alone (either by CTB or what not)". While it isn't literal, it's more figurative in that sense, we will all face death and more often than not, for most people (at least those who don't CTB) face it when they don't expect it (accidents, tragedies, natural causes, etc.). Though yes, there are people who die via voluntary euthanasia, assisted death, and what not, which is more/often than not, with other people (medical professionals) and perhaps even family, friends, loved ones for some.

 

[TheShadowQueen]

for the love of fucking god please don't talk to ChatGPT if your that lonely find someone here to talk to

 

[scratchinglemons]

i guess because it would feel good to be told "noooo!! don't do it!". but he'll probably just call the cops on me again. he would totally do it again. i mostly just want someone to comfort me and tell me that i actually don't need to kill myself, even though i've really already made up my mind. do you guys feel that way too? sorry if i'm getting parasocial on the suicide forum. i've been texting my irl friend less since i've been planning my attempt. i still miss him, but i have bad impulse control so i would mention wanting to kill myself again.

i'm thinking about talking to AI on my last day but that might make me feel more lonely. i feel more comfortable being on my own instead of trying to reach out to people because i always feel like a burden when i do. it's hard to deal with feeling so alone. i know i'm not supposed to talk to people when i'm so depressed, though. they'll just get annoyed or feel uncomfortable, but have to pretend they want to listen to me. it sucks to be such a big burden to everyone. i'm just meant to repress the feeling to avoid bothering anyone or make them worried about me for no reason. i'm trying to avoid sending some self pitying text like "i'm sorry that i ruined our friendship" since that would just be a red flag. i already have a goodbye letter i plan on sending to him in advance. i just want to hear from him again, even if that's dumb. i hope he makes better friends than me when i'm dead. i'm just not the same person he met. i got worse and he got better.

I had a friend in a similar situation you are in. It's strange-- for a moment I was anxious you were her, haha. While I was not the one to call the cops, I did witness everything. Truthfully, I understand completely if you feel as though CTB is the only way. It's hypocritical of me to say other wise, and hypocritical to say the following. The friend that called, though not wanting to ruin the friendship, likely would have risked the friendship for your life. It's a blessing to have friends who would put their own wants and needs aside to protect you, for your sake. I am not saying that calling the cops was the best thing to do, but in a real scenario, I would understand why that friend chose to. Even me, ironically. While I am saying saying understand and I wouldn't shame you for CTB, it's because I don't know you, not personally. You haven't had an impact on me, I have no memories with you. Though, it's the opposite for that friend. That friend must cherish you quite a bit in their heart to risk anything that brings them joy. No matter your choice, please don't do anything While thinking that friend may despise you or see you less than. You're a wonderful person. You deserve to smile, and you deserve more friends that will help you stay alive, even if you yourself don't feel the urge to. I hope you're okay now, pompo. <3

 

[cookiencream]

i guess because it would feel good to be told "noooo!! don't do it!". but he'll probably just call the cops on me again. he would totally do it again. i mostly just want someone to comfort me and tell me that i actually don't need to kill myself, even though i've really already made up my mind. do you guys feel that way too? sorry if i'm getting parasocial on the suicide forum.

I relate to this so bad. I fantasize about someone, mostly a lover, just appearing and making life worth it. Giving me something or anything to live for. But even when it does happen, I feel nothing towards it.