I really really really don’t want to die

[flowersofthesoul]

I have a mental disorder that resembles bipolar. I really don't want to die, I really don't, but I'm so scared. I'm scared that something will set me off and cause me to do something I'll regret. I'm scared that my family might trigger me and accidentally kill me.

Suicidal ideation is my demon. It is my perpetual stalker. It taps on my windows, it whispers awful things in my ear, it grabs me by the neck and tries to wrestle me into the abyss. The person I become when it takes over isn't me: it's an imposter trying to kill me.

 

[vak]

I'm really sorry to hear your struggles. Without presuming too much, have you tried DBT? You can do it at home with a workbook if you have no access to a good therapist, I can send you resources.

My recovery partner and I sometimes trigger each other, having different attachment styles and traumas, but DBT helps to keep us grounded.

 

[Doll Steak]

I don't know what's wrong with me but I know that feeling. Sometimes I really just want to go but then I realize that I just want things to get better, I just want it all to change. I hope you get through it, its very tough.

 

[flowersofthesoul]

I'm really sorry to hear your struggles. Without presuming too much, have you tried DBT? You can do it at home with a workbook if you have no access to a good therapist, I can send you resources.

My recovery partner and I sometimes trigger each other, having different attachment styles and traumas, but DBT helps to keep us grounded.

Yes, and my therapist has been pretty great! It's just slow work. I'm really interested in the DBT resources you mentioned, that would be greatly appreciated.

 

[getoutgirl]

I feel that fear over impulse. For a long while I was so down and numb that the only emotion I could feel was the guilt over the pain my death would cause.
I lived in a lot of fear that If I continued down that spiraling numbing slope that too would also fade away and be consumed. Because then there'd be nothing keeping me.

Even then I knew it only takes a bad day of not thinking too much about it, when the urge is loudest and you are at your weakest. There were days I had to face the wall at the metro because its siren was singing to me as it arrived, others I knew I probably shouldnt hang the clothes high up in my building. And in a lot of conflicting ways I'm glad It is not easy to access SN from my country, or else I know I'd be gone by now out of one of those bad days. And there were more than enough. Triggers are fearsome.

So personal annoying rant aside, all that to say i feel you. And if you really, really, really don't want to die (and it's ok if you add or substract some reallys depending on the day, dealing with what you are dealing with) well if that's the case I'm glad you can recognize your ideation for what it is, and give it it's name. Demon, stalker, imposter or enemy, name it and keep in mind its nature, as deceiving as it may appear some days. Keep up what you are doing, and be kind to yourself and your fear. lots of hugs <3

 

[vak]

Yes, and my therapist has been pretty great! It's just slow work. I'm really interested in the DBT resources you mentioned, that would be greatly appreciated.

We use this workbook, I hope it will be of some help. I wish you the best! I know it takes a lot of patience and hard work.

 

[flowersofthesoul]

I'm glad you can recognize your ideation for what it is, and give it it's name. Demon, stalker, imposter or enemy, name it and keep in mind its nature, as deceiving as it may appear some days. Keep up what you are doing, and be kind to yourself and your fear. lots of hugs <3

This means so much to me. Thank you for giving me a sense of power over this. I don't feel quite as helpless anymore.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

How are you doing?