Venting i prefer doing nothing than something

[notadaisy]

hi, i just feel like venting today cause it feels too much and heavy for me right now. i apologize if this is gonna be a long post. i just want to scream then burst and my organs all fly away. im in a depressive state where it's hard for me to do anything. getting up of bed is too much to do, i can't even do the basic things someone needs like brushing my teeth, taking a shower, or going to the restroom. i eat one meal a day or sometimes nothing at all. i don't have any motivation to do anything and it feels like everything is falling apart. im all aware of my action and it's fucking me up and my life again, cause i am a fucked up person. it has been like this for years, there are times where i think i am already "recovering/getting better" but it all falls apart once again. i am diagnosed with major depression and a generalized anxiety disorder. i have social anxiety too, and had an ED. but i feel like it more than that. i think i might have undiagnosed bpd which i suspect of myself for years now and maybe might be neurodivergent. mental healthcare is almost non-existent in where i am. my sessions with the psychiatrist stops from time to time, no one cares anyway. im broke and still a student. have repeated a school year. im a failure. no one understands. even my family if i try to explain i to them, i have a broken family which gave most part of my traumas. im just with my relatives.. im not close to anyone at all. everyone is shit. i feel alone. i have to grow up fast when i was a kid. nothing was good for me, and ive just been through harsh times most of my life as i am here the suffering feels like it never ends. ive had suicidal thoughts since i was 6. i have attempted for quite a few times now. everything seems pointless, and i have no hopes in getting better or having a happy life.. for everything to be alright. it doesn't get better. i feel so sick inside me of me. i cant even express myself emotionally in person now and haven't cried for a long time. im just getting numb and hurting. i want want someone to see me and know how much in pain i am, and for them to know how much it sucks and understand me. i am thankful that i am in this community. suicide is in my head 24/7 no matter what i do nothing can distract me. i want to die. im very useless and cant be a productive part of this society. there are much plenty reasons for me to be gone than to keep going. i am fucking tired. there is no soul left in me, got all sucked out.

 

[Lynx.]

Same here, honestly.

There's not much for me to do in this world; and even if there was, I wouldn't want to do it anyways.

I struggle even with the most basic stuff that everyone expects you to do well. At some point, life becomes too much of a burden. I don't know how much longer I can stick around, especially since even if I'd somehow manage to fix all my issues, I would still find this whole life game to be highly unpleasant anyways.

My family, among others, write me off as lazy, unmotivated and pessimistic, which is true, I suppose. But at some point, when even breathing becomes a difficult task, I simply cannot function at all, no matter the effort I put into it...

 

[downndone2]

I feel this. Lost everything a few years ago and for the majority of the time since I've been unmotivated and have to push myself to do anything. Currently unemployed, leave house about once weekly, have to force myself to shower, etc.
I can't keep doing this.
I don't want to be here at all anymore

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course it certainly can be torture feeling trapped here and it's very much understandable wishing to finally be free from existing. At least the way that I see it, there could never be any real relief from suffering in this hellish world.

 

[Bardo]

If I can do the dishes, I feel like I've climbed Everest.