western_heart
trying to save ourself
- May 23, 2021
- 622
Last week I ordered SN. It was impulsive - I did it late at night, in bed, when I couldn't sleep. I'd had an argument with my partner right before bed, about how we'd both done/said hurtful things to each other earlier in the day. I made the order because I didn't want to hurt her anymore and if I CTB, I will only hurt her once. If I'm alive, I will do things that make her life difficult, sometimes I will hurt her (like, all my CTB talk has to be pretty hard to take!), and she will spend a lot of time trying to keep me from wanting to CTB.
The day I ordered & the following day were both really painful for me. I refused to cuddle with her. I cancelled my social plans. I felt miserable and alone even though I didn't need to be. However, on the 3rd day I had gotten over things and felt safe being close to my partner again. I actually had a really nice time that day! We cuddled first thing in the morning and she was there for me all day long. But it was also the day that my SN shipped... I checked the tracking throughout the day even though I no longer wanted to use it at that point.
I felt so bad that I told my partner about the SN. I said that I ordered impulsively, but that having it would be a great comfort to me. She didn't make any judgment at first but reminded me that I technically broke my 3 day rule, of waiting before I act on any step of my suicide. In my desperation I'd forgotten about the rule & tbh since I merely ordered the SN I had found weeks prior, I'm not sure if it applies. (I decided not to order SN two weeks ago and closed the tab back then.) I told her that I'd like to keep the SN once it arrives.
The next day she did a lot to try to make me feel better, and I was debating in my head what I should do with the SN. I was thinking maybe I should just throw it away on arrival, but I wasn't 100% sure. I really do want to keep it. Before bed, my partner said that after thinking about it all day, she thinks I should get rid of it. She thinks that if I bought it impulsively, I might use it impulsively too, and that she would feel a lot better if I didn't have it. Thinking about this right before bed on an otherwise okay day really crushed me.
I was unsure of what to do until yesterday afternoon. I watched a YouTube video that triggered intense flashbacks to painful times in my life. I get flashbacks this bad once every 1-2 weeks. It hurts so much each time that I want to die. My partner eventually saw that I was triggered & tried her best to comfort me and get me ready for bed. I felt intense pain all evening, until the sleeping drugs kicked in enough for me to pass out. I kept thinking about the SN and wanting to use it. I kept thinking about jumping off of a tall building (this is not a method I will use, but the triggering video had a scene on the roof).
This morning, I don't know what I want to do. I don't feel the pain from my trauma right now, but I remember how bad I felt just twelve hours ago. I am willing to die so that I never feel that way again. I won't be able to hurt my partner anymore & I won't be hurt by the demons in my head. The SN could be in my hands as early as today and I want to keep it. I know there's treatments for PTSD that I haven't tried yet, but I want to give up rather than face one more flashback.
I don't know if my partner will force me to get rid of the SN. I don't think she'll give me permission to keep it, but will she stop me from opening the box & stashing the container? If she makes me throw it away, I'll be resentful. Part of me wants to ask her to get rid of it for me & have her stop me from killing myself for as long as my parents are still alive. Part of me wants to try to convince her to let me keep it.
The day I ordered & the following day were both really painful for me. I refused to cuddle with her. I cancelled my social plans. I felt miserable and alone even though I didn't need to be. However, on the 3rd day I had gotten over things and felt safe being close to my partner again. I actually had a really nice time that day! We cuddled first thing in the morning and she was there for me all day long. But it was also the day that my SN shipped... I checked the tracking throughout the day even though I no longer wanted to use it at that point.
I felt so bad that I told my partner about the SN. I said that I ordered impulsively, but that having it would be a great comfort to me. She didn't make any judgment at first but reminded me that I technically broke my 3 day rule, of waiting before I act on any step of my suicide. In my desperation I'd forgotten about the rule & tbh since I merely ordered the SN I had found weeks prior, I'm not sure if it applies. (I decided not to order SN two weeks ago and closed the tab back then.) I told her that I'd like to keep the SN once it arrives.
The next day she did a lot to try to make me feel better, and I was debating in my head what I should do with the SN. I was thinking maybe I should just throw it away on arrival, but I wasn't 100% sure. I really do want to keep it. Before bed, my partner said that after thinking about it all day, she thinks I should get rid of it. She thinks that if I bought it impulsively, I might use it impulsively too, and that she would feel a lot better if I didn't have it. Thinking about this right before bed on an otherwise okay day really crushed me.
I was unsure of what to do until yesterday afternoon. I watched a YouTube video that triggered intense flashbacks to painful times in my life. I get flashbacks this bad once every 1-2 weeks. It hurts so much each time that I want to die. My partner eventually saw that I was triggered & tried her best to comfort me and get me ready for bed. I felt intense pain all evening, until the sleeping drugs kicked in enough for me to pass out. I kept thinking about the SN and wanting to use it. I kept thinking about jumping off of a tall building (this is not a method I will use, but the triggering video had a scene on the roof).
This morning, I don't know what I want to do. I don't feel the pain from my trauma right now, but I remember how bad I felt just twelve hours ago. I am willing to die so that I never feel that way again. I won't be able to hurt my partner anymore & I won't be hurt by the demons in my head. The SN could be in my hands as early as today and I want to keep it. I know there's treatments for PTSD that I haven't tried yet, but I want to give up rather than face one more flashback.
I don't know if my partner will force me to get rid of the SN. I don't think she'll give me permission to keep it, but will she stop me from opening the box & stashing the container? If she makes me throw it away, I'll be resentful. Part of me wants to ask her to get rid of it for me & have her stop me from killing myself for as long as my parents are still alive. Part of me wants to try to convince her to let me keep it.
