I was raised conservative but also at the same time to be very selfish.
I do a lot of research before I buy something to get the best price. However, I wanted to believe in higher values. Contributing to a society. Doing something meaningful. I would not want to do voluntary work (feels like exploitation in my mind). I wanted to have a stable income despite the fact I am way too ill for woking or studying. And I was pressured into it by my family. I survived 2,5 years part time college. I had to take addictive medication to cope otherwise I would have collapsed very early. It ruined my health completely. My mental health is a disaster now. I have a lot of psychosomatic issues now and they don't seem to go away despite the way I have no responsiblities since April.
It is not like I would have done more than part time college in this time period. My mom did all the household, buys food everything. I had only this one job. At the same time in all honesty. I am very ill. I am overburdened by everything. It was insane. I think noone would have endure that longer than one semester. I collapsed. I was paranoid all the time. I died every day.
There was a time spot in 2020 where I felt good mentally. After one year of college this was gone. And I continued it all in all 2,5 years. I went through a benzo withdrawal all alone at home in this time period.
I am a complete mess. I cannot handle anything. The only good thing is in Germany you can get money for being a mental wreck. My mom cares for me and we get roughly 300 Euros extra per month just for that fact. Someone in this forum suggested me that and it helped me so fucking much. It gave me a lot of hope.
I just try to survive. I almost killed myself in October. I went through 3 psychotherapies now started my 4th, tried 25 different medication, had like 7-8 clinic stays. I think it is the right thing to try everything to avoid suicide. I joke that Germany goes broke because of me. I think this is rather neglectable. But sometimes I have to chuckle because the German economy seems to be as broken as my person economic situation. It is a good metaphor.
I don't contriute anything to society. I really wanted that. I vote in elections. And i interact with other people. I have a lot of friends, I go to a self-help group and I am mass poster on Sanctioned Suicide. But is this output worth the massive investions that went to me? I don't think a utilitarian perspective is necessarily right here. So many people do so much for me. Only so that I can survive. However, paradoxically I will ruin their lives if I kill myself. I will leave a lot of damage to the world. I could imagine my parents die or retire immediately when I kill myself. I think the economic damage would be way bigger if I kill myself now then when I postpone it for some years. But it is not my main concern. Lol. If my mom did not abuse me I could have become a functioning member of society. I have high conscientiousnes I think I would have been an hard working screw in the machine. The German economy would have needed me. Lol. Maybe it is immature to think in such ways. I will also kill myself because of the fear of poverty.
I do a lot of research before I buy something to get the best price. However, I wanted to believe in higher values. Contributing to a society. Doing something meaningful. I would not want to do voluntary work (feels like exploitation in my mind). I wanted to have a stable income despite the fact I am way too ill for woking or studying. And I was pressured into it by my family. I survived 2,5 years part time college. I had to take addictive medication to cope otherwise I would have collapsed very early. It ruined my health completely. My mental health is a disaster now. I have a lot of psychosomatic issues now and they don't seem to go away despite the way I have no responsiblities since April.
It is not like I would have done more than part time college in this time period. My mom did all the household, buys food everything. I had only this one job. At the same time in all honesty. I am very ill. I am overburdened by everything. It was insane. I think noone would have endure that longer than one semester. I collapsed. I was paranoid all the time. I died every day.
There was a time spot in 2020 where I felt good mentally. After one year of college this was gone. And I continued it all in all 2,5 years. I went through a benzo withdrawal all alone at home in this time period.
I am a complete mess. I cannot handle anything. The only good thing is in Germany you can get money for being a mental wreck. My mom cares for me and we get roughly 300 Euros extra per month just for that fact. Someone in this forum suggested me that and it helped me so fucking much. It gave me a lot of hope.
I just try to survive. I almost killed myself in October. I went through 3 psychotherapies now started my 4th, tried 25 different medication, had like 7-8 clinic stays. I think it is the right thing to try everything to avoid suicide. I joke that Germany goes broke because of me. I think this is rather neglectable. But sometimes I have to chuckle because the German economy seems to be as broken as my person economic situation. It is a good metaphor.
I don't contriute anything to society. I really wanted that. I vote in elections. And i interact with other people. I have a lot of friends, I go to a self-help group and I am mass poster on Sanctioned Suicide. But is this output worth the massive investions that went to me? I don't think a utilitarian perspective is necessarily right here. So many people do so much for me. Only so that I can survive. However, paradoxically I will ruin their lives if I kill myself. I will leave a lot of damage to the world. I could imagine my parents die or retire immediately when I kill myself. I think the economic damage would be way bigger if I kill myself now then when I postpone it for some years. But it is not my main concern. Lol. If my mom did not abuse me I could have become a functioning member of society. I have high conscientiousnes I think I would have been an hard working screw in the machine. The German economy would have needed me. Lol. Maybe it is immature to think in such ways. I will also kill myself because of the fear of poverty.
