Hello all,
I never thought I'd log back into this account but after about a year, here I am.
I never really used this account when I first created it a year ago to post or interact with the community, mostly just to lurk the forums as the future I had planned out meticulously for 18 years had been ripped away from me after some paper pusher decided I am not a resident of where I've lived for 14+ years, effectively tearing my dreams of going to college alongside my loved ones to shreds and
Sounds like a very childish thing to consider ctb over, I know, and admittedly it's. However, you must understand that was all I knew, I was held to high expectations and regard by my peers and loved ones just to disappoint them all at once and that feeling combined with a years worth of letdowns in a month rocked me to my core.
Although I never genuinely considered ctb in that time period per se, it was around then that I started to finally acknowledge it as card in my hand that could be played. Like any good player in any game in history, it is important that you understand all avenues before moving forward; which landed me here.
Shortly after my first contact with SaSu,I snapped out of the rut I was in and realized how ridiculous I was being and that I should give the future I was dreading a chance, who knows, it might be "exactly what's supposed to happen" like everyone was telling me then in timid reassurance.
So like that after emergency application and enrollment in my local "party school" I decided I should play all my cards before taking the ez way out.
Fast forward to today. The past year has been nothing but taxing on my already beaten husk.
Since moving in I've made some awful decisions, starting with initial social selection. When I put my deposit down to this school, I understood I would know not one person attending. I would be going in completely alone. The first people I met while here were all seemingly relaxed and easy going, decent crowd to fit into I suppose. This, however, turned out to not be the case as they decided to introduce me to their mutual friend that would later go on to ruin me. That friend was alcohol.
Before moving in, I had never had a sip of alcohol beyond a fermented yogurt or two and I did a decent job of holding my boundaries up until two months in where I found myself in a room, as the only person sober, being handed a shot glass for the first time.
Although you may not expect it to catapult this quickly, my deteriorating relationships back home combined with me finally realizing the reality of my situation led me to drink like animals in the desert from there on out.
I spent the entire month of October practically tanked with a majority of any money I had coming in going towards buying my poison of choice from my local apothecary.
The month of October, 2023, is easily the worst month I've ever gone through as what little I actually remember it is a good chunk of while I'm back.
Although the entire month of October was awful, my magnum opus of disappointing those that care for me took place halloweekend. One of my friends from home ended up in the same town as my college for the weekend and had nowhere to stay, knowing I would keep boundaries I offered to let her sleep in my room while I took an air mattress off one of my friends and slept on the floor rather than have her spend the night at an assortment of apartments.
My girlfriend of 4 years was close friends with her as we had both known her for years and felt comfortable enough with my faithfulness that nothing would happen.
However, after an entire handle was split between myself, her, and my roommate, I ended up in a situation that I wish would have never happened.
Although there was never any full intercourse and the jury is still up on wether or not it could be considered rape since she can handle liquor better than me and straight up told me "she had thought about it sober", plus testimony from my roommate saying that he saw her press me a bit. I still feel as if I have betrayed the one person who I care for so much and I would never put myself in a situation like that if I was not under the influence.
I genuinely regret that entire night not because I knew I would have to tell you eventually but because I understand how much I took abused your trust and have never been able to look at myself the same since. None of it was your fault and I would have told her to never show up had I known her intentions.
Either way, I still feel a pit in my stomach 24/7 and it makes me think about how I'm a cheater at least once a day which has been tearing me up from the inside.
After that weekend, I gave up drinking which temporarily improved conditions and I did a complete 180° to start being who I recognized myself as again.
However, fast forward to these past few months of what feels like a meaningless life loop and things have made me hit a fork in the road with one of the signs pointing here.
I thought throughout the entirety of my bus ride back from the library earlier about how I exist as a ticking time bomb, bound to disappoint those that care for me, making it only a matter of time till I fuck up even worse.
I can't continue like this and the only potential ways out I see here is either playing ignorant to my future or taking full control of it one last time.
I am genuinely starting to feel like the life I'm living is pointless with an impact I've never felt before, where this time it almost feels definite. I feel as if I'm a net negative on those who care about me due to my super power of constantly disappointing them if given enough time.
Despite being 1000+ words in I still don't think I can properly convey the lead up to me potentially exploring ctb as a "permanent" solution but I promise what I didn't mention makes this make a lot more sense and I'm not just some shallow minded reactionary that thinks "I should end it" at the lightest inconveniences.
Anyways I just needed to get that out of my system in into the digital air. If you've made it this far, you'll never get these minutes back.
tl;dr:
Giving the extra year a chance was the worst mistake I've made.
I never thought I'd log back into this account but after about a year, here I am.
I never really used this account when I first created it a year ago to post or interact with the community, mostly just to lurk the forums as the future I had planned out meticulously for 18 years had been ripped away from me after some paper pusher decided I am not a resident of where I've lived for 14+ years, effectively tearing my dreams of going to college alongside my loved ones to shreds and
Sounds like a very childish thing to consider ctb over, I know, and admittedly it's. However, you must understand that was all I knew, I was held to high expectations and regard by my peers and loved ones just to disappoint them all at once and that feeling combined with a years worth of letdowns in a month rocked me to my core.
Although I never genuinely considered ctb in that time period per se, it was around then that I started to finally acknowledge it as card in my hand that could be played. Like any good player in any game in history, it is important that you understand all avenues before moving forward; which landed me here.
Shortly after my first contact with SaSu,I snapped out of the rut I was in and realized how ridiculous I was being and that I should give the future I was dreading a chance, who knows, it might be "exactly what's supposed to happen" like everyone was telling me then in timid reassurance.
So like that after emergency application and enrollment in my local "party school" I decided I should play all my cards before taking the ez way out.
Fast forward to today. The past year has been nothing but taxing on my already beaten husk.
Since moving in I've made some awful decisions, starting with initial social selection. When I put my deposit down to this school, I understood I would know not one person attending. I would be going in completely alone. The first people I met while here were all seemingly relaxed and easy going, decent crowd to fit into I suppose. This, however, turned out to not be the case as they decided to introduce me to their mutual friend that would later go on to ruin me. That friend was alcohol.
Before moving in, I had never had a sip of alcohol beyond a fermented yogurt or two and I did a decent job of holding my boundaries up until two months in where I found myself in a room, as the only person sober, being handed a shot glass for the first time.
Although you may not expect it to catapult this quickly, my deteriorating relationships back home combined with me finally realizing the reality of my situation led me to drink like animals in the desert from there on out.
I spent the entire month of October practically tanked with a majority of any money I had coming in going towards buying my poison of choice from my local apothecary.
The month of October, 2023, is easily the worst month I've ever gone through as what little I actually remember it is a good chunk of while I'm back.
Although the entire month of October was awful, my magnum opus of disappointing those that care for me took place halloweekend. One of my friends from home ended up in the same town as my college for the weekend and had nowhere to stay, knowing I would keep boundaries I offered to let her sleep in my room while I took an air mattress off one of my friends and slept on the floor rather than have her spend the night at an assortment of apartments.
My girlfriend of 4 years was close friends with her as we had both known her for years and felt comfortable enough with my faithfulness that nothing would happen.
However, after an entire handle was split between myself, her, and my roommate, I ended up in a situation that I wish would have never happened.
Although there was never any full intercourse and the jury is still up on wether or not it could be considered rape since she can handle liquor better than me and straight up told me "she had thought about it sober", plus testimony from my roommate saying that he saw her press me a bit. I still feel as if I have betrayed the one person who I care for so much and I would never put myself in a situation like that if I was not under the influence.
I genuinely regret that entire night not because I knew I would have to tell you eventually but because I understand how much I took abused your trust and have never been able to look at myself the same since. None of it was your fault and I would have told her to never show up had I known her intentions.
Either way, I still feel a pit in my stomach 24/7 and it makes me think about how I'm a cheater at least once a day which has been tearing me up from the inside.
After that weekend, I gave up drinking which temporarily improved conditions and I did a complete 180° to start being who I recognized myself as again.
However, fast forward to these past few months of what feels like a meaningless life loop and things have made me hit a fork in the road with one of the signs pointing here.
I thought throughout the entirety of my bus ride back from the library earlier about how I exist as a ticking time bomb, bound to disappoint those that care for me, making it only a matter of time till I fuck up even worse.
I can't continue like this and the only potential ways out I see here is either playing ignorant to my future or taking full control of it one last time.
I am genuinely starting to feel like the life I'm living is pointless with an impact I've never felt before, where this time it almost feels definite. I feel as if I'm a net negative on those who care about me due to my super power of constantly disappointing them if given enough time.
Despite being 1000+ words in I still don't think I can properly convey the lead up to me potentially exploring ctb as a "permanent" solution but I promise what I didn't mention makes this make a lot more sense and I'm not just some shallow minded reactionary that thinks "I should end it" at the lightest inconveniences.
Anyways I just needed to get that out of my system in into the digital air. If you've made it this far, you'll never get these minutes back.
tl;dr:
Giving the extra year a chance was the worst mistake I've made.
