Strong thoughts of suicide

[hard2exist]

I'm 34 female from the US. Life has been sort of bad from the beginning. Im a child of an affair so growing up I had to hear and endure a lot of shame and rejection from my family. I've always felt like a burden but when I was 17 I met a man on a chatline who lived in Canada he was 43 so I thought. After a few years of talking I found out he was really 50 but I was so young minded and thought he truly loved me so I eventually met him and we married. A year in, he started to abuse me, he was extremely controlling and I was isolated for 13 yrs. I finally left and Im back in the US with family but I feel so broken. I have no purpose in life other then existing for others. I'm not a good person, being with him has changed me a lot Ive hurt people not intentionally, but Ive come to realize that Im an ugly person inside and out and I truly hate living in this body. These thoughts are getting worse... I have yet to meet or talk to any women my age feeling the same way or wanting to just end their life so strongly and deeply as I do. These thoughts used to come and go but now they stay and I believe they will never go away until I actually do it. I've attempted a few times by hanging but unfortunately was unsuccessful. During these times, I have had 2 spirits visit me on separate occasions and they have both committed suicide, I am not involved with any witchcraft or anything of that nature this all happened to me randomly I have not been able to shake this as well and it's been haunting me ever since. To be honest, Life is just a game and we all have to play in it until our time is up. We have a spirit and a soul, we live on after death and these spirits visiting me are proof but I don't know why they came to me out of all people, was this a sign to just do it or dont? I would love for the pain to end but it just wont... it never will.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

What you've been through is so awful. Welcome to the forum! Feel free to vent as much you want you'll find others here who go through similar stuff.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

You've been through a lot and it makes total sense to me that you may want to die. But even if it didn't I would just mind my own business and not say that.

There's other people in their 30s here--I am, and I'm a man. There's plenty of women around too.

Take your time; be welcome. It's good to read your story -- it is good to tell your story somewhere that you can do so honestly and this is one of those places where you are received without being offered platitudes like "it'll be okay".

Sorry it hasn't been okay and hopefully you find some people who can specifically identify with you and help process your suicidality in an honest and nonobstructive manner.

 

[Endisclose]

I'm 34 female from the US. Life has been sort of bad from the beginning. Im a child of an affair so growing up I had to hear and endure a lot of shame and rejection from my family. I've always felt like a burden but when I was 17 I met a man on a chatline who lived in Canada he was 43 so I thought. After a few years of talking I found out he was really 50 but I was so young minded and thought he truly loved me so I eventually met him and we married. A year in, he started to abuse me, he was extremely controlling and I was isolated for 13 yrs. I finally left and Im back in the US with family but I feel so broken. I have no purpose in life other then existing for others. I'm not a good person, being with him has changed me a lot Ive hurt people not intentionally, but Ive come to realize that Im an ugly person inside and out and I truly hate living in this body. These thoughts are getting worse... I have yet to meet or talk to any women my age feeling the same way or wanting to just end their life so strongly and deeply as I do. These thoughts used to come and go but now they stay and I believe they will never go away until I actually do it. I've attempted a few times by hanging but unfortunately was unsuccessful. During these times, I have had 2 spirits visit me on separate occasions and they have both committed suicide, I am not involved with any witchcraft or anything of that nature this all happened to me randomly I have not been able to shake this as well and it's been haunting me ever since. To be honest, Life is just a game and we all have to play in it until our time is up. We have a spirit and a soul, we live on after death and these spirits visiting me are proof but I don't know why they came to me out of all people, was this a sign to just do it or dont? I would love for the pain to end but it just wont... it never will.

What were these spirits like? Could you tell us something more about your interaction?

 

[AllMyDreams]

I'm really sorry you went through that. I had a similar experience to you except it was more sleeping around and I didn't actually get married. I hope if nothing else you know that you, like every other human, are a product of your genetics and circumstances. And as a victim you have nothing to be ashamed of.

 

[lnlybnny]

welcome to the forum! i'm really sorry for what you went through. i went through a kind of similar situation (without marrying though). if you need to talk more you can always pm me.

 

[hard2exist]

What were these spirits like? Could you tell us something more about your interaction?

yes, one day I fell asleep after contemplating suicide and crying all night a first and last name popped in my head like it was all telepath. I woke up and googled the name no1 had this name but this one girl in google images it was her obituary I clicked on it and it sent me to an article saying she committed suicide, and she was also in her early thirties I was around 31 at that time. I wanted to message her Mother so badly on FB but I knew she would probably think I was a crazy person. It scared the shit out of me and it still does everyday. Then Twitch came to me when i fell asleep in the bathroom. The image of him smiling with a black hat, I woke up but thought nothing of it I knew he had committed suicide because of the news but I didnt know anything about him. When I woke up that same morning I was scrolling fb and low and behold it was a post from Ellen wishing him a happy bday! he visited me at 3am on his birthday! I was so shocked and I still think of both of these ppl all the time. Idk why they visited me but spirits live on and to know this is somewhat comforting but freaky in a way we never die :(