I never knew why I wanted to die

[spellbound]

Ive been suicidal my whole life. I don't know anything but sorrow, and misery, and when I feel happy, idk, it just doesn't matter. It feels like my happiness isn't even happiness. I have a lot of problems in my personal life, but I don't know if they actually matter. I'd have so many reasons to ctb. But there's no reason. I just want to kill myself and I don't even know why. Is this pure nihilism ? I know I don't need a reason to end it, but I just want to understand myself ig. Maybe there's nothing to understand, maybe suicide is meaninglessness, and maybe that's where the meaning is. But why have I wanted to ctb so strongly and been so miserable all my life and some others haven't ? Is there something wrong with me ? Does anyone want to ctb for no reason ?

 

[tospoon]

Yes me to right now

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Have you ever seen a psychologist about this?

 

[tospoon]

I have not this just started for me in the last three months

 

[spellbound]

Have you ever seen a psychologist about this?

I really don't like any form of therapy, they're the bane of my existence. But when I was younger I've been to a bunch of different psychologists and they've all been particularly unhelpful. They're all money hungry, heartless pro lifers, they will never understand or help someone like me

 

[Wojaczek]

i dont know why any of this even happened, but it did and i have little control over the events that occurred and am powerless over the ones that will unfold in the future. and suicide is as good an answer as any to the age old question but there is just something unsatisfying about it, same with a regular death. i want to go out with glory and full of ecstasy. this all just feels too drab and dull.

 

[LittleJem]

I think for me it is some kind of autism. It hasn't been my whole life, but maybe started in my teens. Some have it younger. My friend's son expressed wanting to die quite young, and he has been diagnosed with autism.

Whatever it is for you, I think some of us are just born with brains that suffer. I hate this and wish it wasn't true, but it is I think.

There is also some child abuse history, but the autism/badly formed brain is enough......My friend's son has two very loving parents, and they were really shocked and distressed by his thoughts.

 

[spellbound]

I think for me it is some kind of autism. It hasn't been my whole life, but maybe started in my teens. Some have it younger. My friend's son expressed wanting to die quite young, and he has been diagnosed with autism.

Whatever it is for you, I think some of us are just born with brains that suffer. I hate this and wish it wasn't true, but it is I think.

There is also some child abuse history, but the autism/badly formed brain is enough......My friend's son has two very loving parents, and they were really shocked and distressed by his thoughts.

I really hope I ain't autistic, cause I already have trouble with social interaction and eye contact so I can't even imagine what it'd be if I was autistic.
And I sure hope you're wrong about people born with brains that suffer, but I don't think you are. I couldn't imagine my life being so crushingly miserable, for absolutely no reason. Sometimes I think everyone suffers greatly like I do, but I'm just weaker.
Also, does it help you to know why you have these thoughts ? Were you able to be actually happy in life once you knew it was because of autism ? Or did it not change anything ?

 

[LittleJem]

Sorry, didn't mean to make stuff worse! They say everyone is on the spectrum.

I am not diagnosed as autistic, I just remember teaching myself to make eye contact and that I didn't understand small talk. I don't tick all the boxes. I have been told by two people they think I am, but a neuroscientist/psychologist I hooked up with, that I'm not....so it's not official. It just explained stuff to me.

I think it has not helped, but just explained some stuff to me, but some people find a way to accept it.

I'm probably not...not officially. And you are probably not.

I'm sorry....I hope someone else has some more helpful words

 

[spellbound]

Sorry, didn't mean to make stuff worse! They say everyone is on the spectrum.

I am not diagnosed as autistic, I just remember teaching myself to make eye contact and that I didn't understand small talk. I don't tick all the boxes. I have been told by two people they think I am, but a neuroscientist/psychologist I hooked up with, that I'm not....so it's not official. It just explained stuff to me.

I think it has not helped, but just explained some stuff to me, but some people find a way to accept it.

I'm probably not...not officially. And you are probably not.

I'm sorry....I hope someone else has some more helpful words

Nah mate, you didn't make things worst at all, truth (or trying to get to it) is always helpful ! It's just a bit depressing is all. I should teach myself to make eye contact tho that sounds useful.
I hope I'll find a way to explain all of this to myself too, someday
I don't exactly need it to ctb but it'd feel good to know why I do it

 

[LittleJem]

Nah mate, you didn't make things worst at all, truth (or trying to get to it) is always helpful ! It's just a bit depressing is all. I should teach myself to make eye contact tho that sounds useful.
I hope I'll find a way to explain all of this to myself too, someday
I don't exactly need it to ctb but it'd feel good to know why I do it

I stare straight into peoples' eyes intensely, which is weird. I think there is a triangle method, and I am SURE there are videos on it nowadays. I grew up just before the internet.

I remember now also, I bought about seven books on 'How to make small talk' when they came out. None of them helped me that much, but for someone better able to learn, they might be helpful! I used to just nod along, listen, echo, and agree - and randomly interject. Still the same. I get excluded a bit even when addicts are having conversatinos, I am just weirder then them.

 

[huntrix#1fan]

I feel the exact same way. It sucks because I'm sure someone else out there would love to have my life. I live in a first world country and have two parents that love me. Yes I have other problems, but in the grand scheme of things they are fixable. Yet I have a severe depression that will not go away. Why? I think our brains are just wired different. I am bipolar, so i guess thats it. Thinking of just giving up and dying brings me such peace. Wish everything could just end and be over. I guess its just a massive skill issue on my part

 

[spellbound]

I feel the exact same way. It sucks because I'm sure someone else out there would love to have my life. I live in a first world country and have two parents that love me. Yes I have other problems, but in the grand scheme of things they are fixable. Yet I have a severe depression that will not go away. Why? I think our brains are just wired different. I am bipolar, so i guess thats it. Thinking of just giving up and dying brings me such peace. Wish everything could just end and be over. I guess its just a massive skill issue on my part

Thats just so awful that we have to kill ourselves just cause we lost the genetic lottery. I cry for those that ctb because of the circumstances of their lives, but I don't know what kind of deep sorrow I feel for doomed people like you and I.
I hope you find your peace somewhere

 

[huntrix#1fan]

Thats just so awful that we have to kill ourselves just cause we lost the genetic lottery. I cry for those that ctb because of the circumstances of their lives, but I don't know what kind of deep sorrow I feel for doomed people like you and I.
I hope you find your peace somewhere

I hope the same for you. Some I think, are just born sad

 

[m3nhera]

Ive been suicidal my whole life. I don't know anything but sorrow, and misery, and when I feel happy, idk, it just doesn't matter. It feels like my happiness isn't even happiness. I have a lot of problems in my personal life, but I don't know if they actually matter. I'd have so many reasons to ctb. But there's no reason. I just want to kill myself and I don't even know why. Is this pure nihilism ? I know I don't need a reason to end it, but I just want to understand myself ig. Maybe there's nothing to understand, maybe suicide is meaninglessness, and maybe that's where the meaning is. But why have I wanted to ctb so strongly and been so miserable all my life and some others haven't ? Is there something wrong with me ? Does anyone want to ctb for no reason ?

I feel this way too, although sometimes I feel real happiness. I don't know why things are like this for us either. I wouldn't necessarily call it nihilism, a person could think life and existence has no meaning but want to live anyway, because they still enjoy it regardless of if it even means anything. Maybe a bad metaphor but imagine a fun video game with no deep backstory or anything, it has no meaning but people play it anyways just for fun. Just because it's meaningless doesn't automatically mean they won't want to anymore. It would be different if the desire to die was just a passing thought, something you could turn away, but when it feels like you NEED it, it's something other than nihilism entirely imo. Another metaphor, it's the difference between being slightly hungry but deciding to just wait till dinner since you're not that hungry anyway, vs STARVING, feeling like you're being tortured unless you're allowed to eat.

i dont know why any of this even happened, but it did and i have little control over the events that occurred and am powerless over the ones that will unfold in the future. and suicide is as good an answer as any to the age old question but there is just something unsatisfying about it, same with a regular death. i want to go out with glory and full of ecstasy. this all just feels too drab and dull.

Yes sometimes it feels too dull and depressing for me too. If you kill yourself it'll be the last thing you do, instead of something cool.