Venting I need to ctb but i cant

[_Skyn]

If I'm being honest, ctb would not be ideal. I want to but i really cant. Its hard to put this feeling into words, but i feel so dreadful all the time.. there's this big heavy feeling in my chest and nothing is helping me anymore. I used to self harm to help myself but I've grown since then and when i tried to pick it back up it just doesn't help like it used to. I am so ready to just ctb already, i would do it right now if it wouldn't upset so many people in my life. I should be grateful, people do care about me, they just dint really understand me. I am inconveniencing the people around me every day, i can't keep myself together and they don't know what's wrong with me so they just feel bad for me. I want to leave so badly i want to get out of this, I've been trying to isolate but it's just causing more concern and the only way to escape this feeling is suicide. I wish they could understand so i could let myself go from all of this suffering and finally keep a silent mind. I've been suffering from severe social anxiety and depression since i was a kid and I'm also on the neuro divergent spectrum so it's very difficult for me to talk to a therapist. I can't convey or understanding what im feeling and they all just tell me the same thing over and over again. I've lost hope in therapy and I've tried many kinds so it's not like i gave in that easily. I just don't know what to do, should i try to stick it out or should I just ctb regardless of what the people around me will think.. i can't decide

 

[FuneralCry]

I just believe that, only you know if suicide is the best thing for yourself but after all nobody is obligated to continue existing, when to leave is completely a personal decision. But anyway it does sound really tiring what you are going through and it's certainly understandable wishing to be free from all suffering. I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.