willitpass
The awful things we do to make the head go quiet
- Mar 10, 2020
- 3,413
I'm so fucking tired. I can't continue existing. Why I'm still even here after all of these years I don't fucking know. It's like the universe is playing some sick joke on me. And the trauma from the survived attempts has my SI too fucking strong. I think I could do it if I acted on impulse when emotions are high, but even then I feel like I would get stopped by my SI. So slowly wearing my body down is the only way, and I can't seem to do it fast enough. I'll be getting a vape today, to further fuck my body up. I've take nearly 500 500mg Tylenols in the span of a month. 32500mg of Aspirin in two weeks. Sprinkle some ibuprofen in there too. I'll be trying venipuncture blood letting again soon too, see if I can get a good vein. I deserve the pain. I deserve to suffer while so fuck my body up. Survive or die, I deserve it. If I'm lucky one of these days my reckless abuse will kill me.
Another failed venipuncture. It's my own fault though, because I'm also currently on a dehydration kick. I cannot convince myself that it's okay to consume adequate fluids or food. I've very dehydrated right now to the point that my veins hardly pop with a tourniquet on. It took over a minute for the site to even let out a drop after I took out the needle. I'm so frustrated because if I don't drink, I won't be able to get the fix from drawing blood. If I drink, I'll be angry at myself for drinking because for some fucking reason my mind is telling me that's bad too. I can win in my own mind. No matter what I do my mind is angry at it one way or another. My mind is hell.
Another failed venipuncture. It's my own fault though, because I'm also currently on a dehydration kick. I cannot convince myself that it's okay to consume adequate fluids or food. I've very dehydrated right now to the point that my veins hardly pop with a tourniquet on. It took over a minute for the site to even let out a drop after I took out the needle. I'm so frustrated because if I don't drink, I won't be able to get the fix from drawing blood. If I drink, I'll be angry at myself for drinking because for some fucking reason my mind is telling me that's bad too. I can win in my own mind. No matter what I do my mind is angry at it one way or another. My mind is hell.
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