Venting I miss the feeling of hanging myself

[rdelia_]

I miss the feeling of hanging myself. The thought of being free from the world instead of just waiting any longer, the way my body would tremble uncontrollably and paralyze my legs, my head hung low in shame for finding something like this as my happiness, searching for my own happiness and meaning in life was completely futile, in the end; there was no meaning to life, "finding your own reason to live" was a bullshit excuse, how could you find meaning in your life if God was still playing tricks on you and trying to act like everything was fine, was it my fault that I couldn't handle all of this? It was God's plan that made me do this, so doing something like this must also be in God's plan, I couldn't even find a reason to get out of bed, why did I have to make reasons for my entire life? The law causality is bullshit. Everyone has wronged me for no reason, so why should I find a reason to live? Why does everything need a reason? If I kill myself, will people find a reason why? Or will they blame my environment? I don't know how to end this note, so if there is another life, I hope it won't be like this, and if there isn't another life, I will burn in hell forever, and I think I deserve that too