Venting i lost my most special person

[w4itingforthesun]

i hate myself. so much. i lost the one person i was happy and excited to talk to every single day and i am completely the one at fault. i've wanted to end my life for a while now but this has really made me certain. i am so alone now. i loved him. he got tired of me and left me. and now he's never coming back. i don't feel like living like this any longer. i'll be researching on this site for a while and hopefully will figure out a way i can successfully end it. i can only imagine how much peace it'll bring me. i don't have access to much of anything, and i don't know how to get SN and there's not much use in asking. anyways, the one person i had there for me every day has had enough of me. and im paying the price now. i hope to be free soon. i signed up for classes next month but i dont want to do that anymore. i dont want to do anything anymore. i really really loved him. we weren't even dating. silly isn't it? but he said he loved me and said he wanted me, but i messed up and ruined it. i do not deserve to live anymore and neither do i even want to. idk im just rambling but i just want to be happy and this is truly the only way. i really really hope i can find a way and im afraid of it being painful but at the same time im more afraid of being alive for any longer. if anyone is reading this still thank you lol, and if you want to try and help me find a method i would appreciate it

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Sorry to hear that! Please don't end your life over another person though I hear you on the ongoing suicidality, I'm not saying don't ever.
Think most of us are to some degree concerned about pain involved. Can't help you on the methods but hope you find some peace either way. Heartbreak is nasty

 

[LosingFeathers]

I feel you. I found a person I was excited to talk to which never happened before, fell in love, did some dumb and horrible shit and now we aren't friends anymore. It still hurts a lot and there isn't a day I don't feel regret, but the decision to ctb shouldn't be made because of an other person. Sadly a lot of people here seem to be pushed to ctb, because of grief and heartbreak.

 

[w4itingforthesun]

I feel you. I found a person I was excited to talk to which never happened before, fell in love, did some dumb and horrible shit and now we aren't friends anymore. It still hurts a lot and there isn't a day I don't feel regret, but the decision to ctb shouldn't be made because of an other person. Sadly a lot of people here seem to be pushed to ctb, because of grief and heartbreak.

i want to ctb because of my own self. my stupid self. i caused him to leave me. it is my fault. i didn't even get the chance to say goodbye. i hate myself and i don't want to live anymore

 

[Neverbeenhappy]

I get it. I hate myself so much. I caused my favorite person to leave me and block me forever. He doesn't even hate me.. he just forgot I existed which in my opinion I think it's worse because that means he doesn't think of me at all when he's been on my mind 24/7 for 4 years. We never even dated.

 

[Gomomon]

I pushed all my friends away recently, and now I am completely alone, so I understand. I also have classes in a month that I don't want to do or don't have the motivation for, but I would be careful to make a rash decision based on recent events, though. The hurt in the moment during a painful event always tends to at least die down a little bit later, like I don't know him personally, but maybe he was just worried about you and needs a break for the time being. Do you have other people in your life that you care about, who you could be around?

CTB is such a major decision that you have to execute carefully and be fully methodical with, at least in my opinion. I have attempted poorly twice before and ended up causing a lot of pain to myself and others after being too spontaneous. I came to this site almost a year ago, wanting to end it immediately after a hospitalization and digging through source after source, but ended up just trying to bide my time for the right opportunity or possible positive change in my life. If information is what you want tho its all available on this site. Every method kind of has some drawbacks, unfortunately. There really is no pain-free, easy way out of this suffering, but I'm willing to lend a hand if you have any questions cause I've been there b4.

 

[ladybird jones drew]

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I know the feeling of losing that person. I damaged my relationship with my best friend beyond repair and we don't talk anymore. We loved each other. Spending time together was the happiest I've been. I miss her every day.
The pain and the grief that you're feeling are real, but ctb is not what your special person would want for you. That is about the only statement that gets me through my bad spells.
You're in no rush to do anything - repair the relationship, go to classes, get back to normal, ctb - just breathe, make one small good choice today and take it one day at a time.

 

[suicide_grrl]

i hate myself. so much. i lost the one person i was happy and excited to talk to every single day and i am completely the one at fault. i've wanted to end my life for a while now but this has really made me certain. i am so alone now. i loved him. he got tired of me and left me. and now he's never coming back. i don't feel like living like this any longer. i'll be researching on this site for a while and hopefully will figure out a way i can successfully end it. i can only imagine how much peace it'll bring me. i don't have access to much of anything, and i don't know how to get SN and there's not much use in asking. anyways, the one person i had there for me every day has had enough of me. and im paying the price now. i hope to be free soon. i signed up for classes next month but i dont want to do that anymore. i dont want to do anything anymore. i really really loved him. we weren't even dating. silly isn't it? but he said he loved me and said he wanted me, but i messed up and ruined it. i do not deserve to live anymore and neither do i even want to. idk im just rambling but i just want to be happy and this is truly the only way. i really really hope i can find a way and im afraid of it being painful but at the same time im more afraid of being alive for any longer. if anyone is reading this still thank you lol, and if you want to try and help me find a method i would appreciate it

I know what you're feeling man, I'm on the verge of losing my most special person.

My method has always been an od. I've tried on fluoxetine before but it has a super low chance of doing anything. I'm still searching for the right drug :,)

 

[100memoryleaks]

i am in the same boat as well. 3 weeks of sending him messages to hopefully fix things, but sadly I can't reverse the past. his trust has already been shattered.

it hurts the most when you know it's your fault. it hurts like hell and it feels like nobody understands how serious this is for us. I'm really sorry you're going through this

 

[w4itingforthesun]

I get it. I hate myself so much. I caused my favorite person to leave me and block me forever. He doesn't even hate me.. he just forgot I existed which in my opinion I think it's worse because that means he doesn't think of me at all when he's been on my mind 24/7 for 4 years. We never even dated.

i get it so much. it hurts so bad. i keep waking up and without him i feel like i don't even have a day

I pushed all my friends away recently, and now I am completely alone, so I understand. I also have classes in a month that I don't want to do or don't have the motivation for, but I would be careful to make a rash decision based on recent events, though. The hurt in the moment during a painful event always tends to at least die down a little bit later, like I don't know him personally, but maybe he was just worried about you and needs a break for the time being. Do you have other people in your life that you care about, who you could be around?

CTB is such a major decision that you have to execute carefully and be fully methodical with, at least in my opinion. I have attempted poorly twice before and ended up causing a lot of pain to myself and others after being too spontaneous. I came to this site almost a year ago, wanting to end it immediately after a hospitalization and digging through source after source, but ended up just trying to bide my time for the right opportunity or possible positive change in my life. If information is what you want tho its all available on this site. Every method kind of has some drawbacks, unfortunately. There really is no pain-free, easy way out of this suffering, but I'm willing to lend a hand if you have any questions cause I've been there b4.

thank you i don't think he just wanted a break he wanted it to be over completely he said he was done with me and it hurts so bad being blocked everywhere it makes me so sick. i hate how hard it is to ctb peacefully and without causing trouble to others. i don't care to try and wait for positive changes in my life because i know even if those did happen i would still be miserable and i would still just rather not be here at all. i've been looking into psh because it might be the most accessible method i have. i just am not sure how to do it in regards to my own room.

I pushed all my friends away recently, and now I am completely alone, so I understand. I also have classes in a month that I don't want to do or don't have the motivation for, but I would be careful to make a rash decision based on recent events, though. The hurt in the moment during a painful event always tends to at least die down a little bit later, like I don't know him personally, but maybe he was just worried about you and needs a break for the time being. Do you have other people in your life that you care about, who you could be around?

CTB is such a major decision that you have to execute carefully and be fully methodical with, at least in my opinion. I have attempted poorly twice before and ended up causing a lot of pain to myself and others after being too spontaneous. I came to this site almost a year ago, wanting to end it immediately after a hospitalization and digging through source after source, but ended up just trying to bide my time for the right opportunity or possible positive change in my life. If information is what you want tho its all available on this site. Every method kind of has some drawbacks, unfortunately. There really is no pain-free, easy way out of this suffering, but I'm willing to lend a hand if you have any questions cause I've been there b4.

thank you i don't think he just wanted a break he wanted it to be over completely he said he was done with me and it hurts so bad being blocked everywhere it makes me so sick. i hate how hard it is to ctb peacefully and without causing trouble to others. i don't care to try and wait for positive changes in my life because i know even if those did happen i would still be miserable and i would still just rather not be here at all. i've been looking into psh because it might be the most accessible method i have. i just am not sure how to do it in regards to my own room.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I know the feeling of losing that person. I damaged my relationship with my best friend beyond repair and we don't talk anymore. We loved each other. Spending time together was the happiest I've been. I miss her every day.
The pain and the grief that you're feeling are real, but ctb is not what your special person would want for you. That is about the only statement that gets me through my bad spells.
You're in no rush to do anything - repair the relationship, go to classes, get back to normal, ctb - just breathe, make one small good choice today and take it one day at a time.

the relationship will never be repaired. it is over completely and i cant think about anything else

i am in the same boat as well. 3 weeks of sending him messages to hopefully fix things, but sadly I can't reverse the past. his trust has already been shattered.

it hurts the most when you know it's your fault. it hurts like hell and it feels like nobody understands how serious this is for us. I'm really sorry you're going through this

everyone around me says it's not my fault but they don't understand how much it truly is. to make mistakes over and over again and be the problem over and over again makes me feel so guilty for everything i've done. it's only been 3 days since he left but it felt like so much longer and i don't even know how long to wait to see if he will ever come back which i know he won't.