Venting I lost all of my friends because my life was too traumatic

[peachraspberrysoop]

I recently got spiked, went missing and was involved in a car accident. This is relevant because all of my support systems have crumbled in reaction to this event, although nobody will tell me why. I feel as though everytime something terrible happens to me (which seems never to end,) my friends withdraw from me. I try to rationalise this by remembering that sometimes others don't know how to help and don't want to say something out of line, but I really haven't asked anyone for help.

Maybe I'm just all over the place because I don't have any memories and don't know where I went and the police won't help me (seriously, they haven't responded to my information request!) But this isn't the first time something like this has happened. I feel silly and immature when I say things like "over the years" because I'm 19, but I don't think I've ever had a year of peace in my life and it makes me feel like I've already been dealt a lifetime's worth of trauma until something else rolls around.

Slowly, I've gone from having multiple groups of friends to now having two or three real friends, and it's really difficult to keep those friends. Most of it has been my own emotional volatility, but when terrible things happen I really try not to burden others with it. I mean, what is the easy way to let your friends know about such things? Maybe I'm acting differently right now and I can't see it, I'm not too sure.

I can't really talk to my best friend about it, she was the one who crashed the car and doesn't want me to tell people because she did something illegal and embarrassing to her. Not only this, but she ended up in the hospital. I have no memory whatsoever but from what we pieced together we think we argued and I ran away. It just feels so wrong to vent to her while she's recovering from the accident. It also feels wrong to be upset with her for wanting to keep this concealed.

Regardless, I can't vent to our mutual friends about anything which takes away most of my social circle. If I did choose to tell them, she'd want me to tell them she went home, which would make her look equally as bad for leaving a spiked friend to their own devices. I don't know who to tell or what to do and I think I might've just aired everything out in this post. I don't want to recognise this pattern again, I hope it stops. Even though I have 0 clue what happened that night, the entire event has brought back my ideation. I do hope I'll get over it.

 

[U. A.]

Hello in haggis land, newcomer. I sadly welcome you; sorry you're here, hope you don't need to stick around this place long (that's not a euphemism - this is Recovery!).

I don't know if you've been lurking before signing up fresh, but you will soon see this place will take in all the horrible things you have to release and hold them with understanding. At times/in ways, it can be a shithole - there are certainly the dickbutts that the media talk about in demonizing this entire site skulking around...but there is also an odd, strong sense of "community" among a subset of members. Based on what and how you write, and that your very first post was a poll, something tells me you'll get on well here.

All that said - fuck your friend(s). You'll see this too: most of us here have been abandoned by any and everyone when the going got rough. The bright side is adversity shows you your true friends, the dark side is you might not have any. These people are a rare breed, those who will stick around when life has truly thrown the absolute worst at you. I can only assume the friend was driving drunk so I can understand the desire for secrecy. But you've gone through some shit. Can you talk to that friend? I am sure the both of you could use some processing. She may be in denial about things though. You certainly deserve to talk to someone though.

Maybe that will be us - heck, maybe writing this was enough for now. Anyway, we will be here.