I killed my mum today

[hadenough]

My mum was elderly (91) and disabled with a low immunity. I had a cold last week so I stayed away because she had been hospitalised before with the slightest illness/virus. My sisters had been getting her dinner because she couldn't make it herself, but last Tuesday there was no one to cook for her, or should i say my sister couldn't come up until a bit later, so mum called me to see if i was ok. i was home alone and bored so instead of letting my sister come up later i came to make her dinner. over the last weekend she said she felt a bit unwell so i guess she caught my cold. this morning my sister called her and she said she was having difficulty breathing. later my brother called but couldn't get an answer. she was dead all because i infected her with my cold and she couldn't cope. that's what killed her, my fucking virus i gave to her because i was selfish alone and bored. i joined this site about 8 years ago but didn't cbt because it would have killed my mum, but hey now i've killed her with my vile bugs and there's nothing stopping me now. i don't even know why i'm posting this because i know people on this site are kind and will offer me comfort and say it wasn't my fault, but it was, i know it was. i don't want to be comforted and don't deserve it for what i've done, i guess i just wanted to vent and in some way explain why i'm gonna do what i have to do. that's all, thanks for listening, mr useless selfish shit is saying goodbye

 

[joegoes100]

I don't care what you say at all it is factually not your fault. Your mother had an already weakened immune system and it's currently winter. It was nearly inevitable. I know you wished to not be comforted but it is factually not your fault, anyone who went near her sick or not could've gave her something. I am here for you if you need to talk.

 

[haihaihai]

i know your mind is already made up, but you weren't trying to kill her, you didn't choose to get sick yourself. i hope you can find peace knowing your mother isn't suffering anymore.

 

[NPC45]

I'm really sorry for your loss. And I know it might mean nothing, but maybe you were meant to see your mum before she passed? You didn't kill her. But you did get to see her.

 

[dewasrite]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure that an already difficult event is made harder to deal with when all that guilt is added. As others have pointed out, it is not your fault. Weak immunity, age, winter… you had an opportunity to spend some time with her and make her a meal. She called you and you were there for her. I feel like that is the important bit.

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

So very sorry for your loss..... You didn't kill your mum

 

[madwoman]

I'm sorry for your loss and agree with all that was already said - it's not your fault. It's also natural to think it is - the guilt is hard but a couple things - what a beautiful thing you were there for her, that you spent time with her before - I think we'd all want that before we go, I know I wish I would. Also, I've blamed myself for both my parents death, my mom committed suicide and before she did I was terrible to her, & I wasn't there helping my dad with his cancer like I should have been. So I hold all of that guilt too and will need to make peace with it. I'm sorry for your loss, you aren't alone in your grief and guilt

 

[fuzzypeach]

you did not kill her, i hope you can find peace

 

[Seneca65AD]

Your guilt is completely understandable but, excuse my directness, completely misdirected. Elderly with compromised immune systems can die from any myriad of virus or bacteria. Compare the number of elderly dying in winter to those passing in summer - the difference is staggering.

It is almost impossible to attribute your mother's death to your illness. Secondly, you have to trace back when you caught the cold and then compare your contagious period to your mom's presumed incubation period. One of my staff lost her mom and dad to assumed COVID while they were both in senior care and subject to the usual preventative measures (i.e. masking, gowns, extra sterilization procedures, etc). Even when the authorities investigated why so many residents were dying in that particular home, nothing was ever found. All policies were followed and still the elderly died. Cause of death on the Death Certificates? Natural causes.

Thirdly, if your brother and sisters were so concerned about your mother's well being, they would have taken steps to ensure your mom did not have to reach out to you to get fed in a timely manner - assuming they are blaming you at all. For me, the age of 91 is not as important as the fact she could not make her own meals - that demonstrates more than just a compromised immune system. Perhaps your brother and sisters should have considered more formalized home-care. Look, I have no idea of your mom's personal circumstances, I am just throwing out various considerations to demonstrate you had zero to do with your mom's death.

Nothing I say will ease your guilt but the fact your mom reached out to you demonstrated the high-esteem in which she held you. I truly hope you can be at peace with what happened.