I keep finding things that make me want to stay and it frustrates me

[Mooncry]

I guess finding new distractions and pleasurable things isn't bad, but it feels bad thing when I know it would be in my best interest to just die already.

Like right now, I started playing Elden Ring again and it's been the one thing to overcome my anhedonia in a very long time. Doing 100% completion runs on big games is one of my favorite things to do. I planned to CTB in two days, but I kinda want to stick around just to play it… even though I've already played it before and I'm wondering if this is just my SI grasping at straws for something to keep me alive.

I just feel like this always happens… I have a plan set and I feel good about it, but then something comes along and is like "maybe just enjoy this for now." Like I'm trying to squeeze every last drop of joy I possibly can out of this life before I leave it. Like I said, I know that's not bad, but I feel like it'll always be like this if I let it, and I don't want that…

At the end of the day, these surface-level things don't fix the main problem. They're just distractions and temporary joy, which I guess is what life pretty much is-is continuing to search for and partake in the little things that keep you going.

sigh

I don't know… I'm probably gonna stick around for a bit longer. Not sure yet. I'll update if I decide to do it Wednesday night after all.

 

[femcelloser]

I do this exact same thing. It sucks real hard. I hope you make your choice and everything comes peacefully. No matter what you choose

 

[Dejected 55]

I have retrained my brain around this. Even if I had a long happy life and could live into my 90s... there would be stuff I would miss because I couldn't live long enough, and at least some of those things I would be aware of as "coming soon" knowing I would miss them.

So, no matter when I go, there will be something I miss.

 

[timechained]

Awareness of death reignites awareness of life.

 

[Apathy79]

Procrastination 101 but applied to suicide. I must admit this type seems helpful, if you can extract some joy from a few extra days, why not. It's fascinating reading the same processes I've used to put off doing something I know to be important for so long applied to suicide.

Fwiw, I think huge chunks of people live entire lives primarily through distraction. Heck I have for decades.

 

[DivineSpark]

I miss times when I used able to enjoy video games as teen. Now I am struggling with anhedonia, I want to play but I simply cannot enjoy it anymore.

 

[Mooncry]

I miss times when I used able to enjoy video games as teen. Now I am struggling with anhedonia, I want to play but I simply cannot enjoy it anymore.

Yeah, it's hard for me too. I used to be able to play damn near anything and hyper-focus on it for days on end. Now I don't really feel much interest at all. This is the first game I've played in a long time that has actually managed to give me any meaningful amount of dopamine.

 

[AreWeWinning]

I guess finding new distractions and pleasurable things isn't bad, but it feels bad thing when I know it would be in my best interest to just die already.

Like right now, I started playing Elden Ring again and it's been the one thing to overcome my anhedonia in a very long time. Doing 100% completion runs on big games is one of my favorite things to do. I planned to CTB in two days, but I kinda want to stick around just to play it… even though I've already played it before and I'm wondering if this is just my SI grasping at straws for something to keep me alive.

I just feel like this always happens… I have a plan set and I feel good about it, but then something comes along and is like "maybe just enjoy this for now." Like I'm trying to squeeze every last drop of joy I possibly can out of this life before I leave it. Like I said, I know that's not bad, but I feel like it'll always be like this if I let it, and I don't want that…

At the end of the day, these surface-level things don't fix the main problem. They're just distractions and temporary joy, which I guess is what life pretty much is-is continuing to search for and partake in the little things that keep you going.

sigh

I don't know… I'm probably gonna stick around for a bit longer. Not sure yet. I'll update if I decide to do it Wednesday night after all.

Totally relatable, and I struggle with this too. There is always something. 'Just do this, just do that. Just think this bit over one more time. Oh, this or that (goodbye letter, cleaning, whatever) is not perfect...'. SI in disguise. When we are dead, it won't matter. So, why do we care?

For me, it's not so much about whether I'll be able to pull the trigger when I get there. (Although I have yet to see.) But the journey to get there is the hard part. To let go. And there are no clear, good answers. The only solution is to do it bit by bit. Practice, do the little preparations, focus on the mental work of silencing unwanted thoughts, stop doing stuff, isolate, and so on. Then, maybe one day we'll arrive at our final destination.

 

[25jiyuki]

This describes exactly how I feel! It's weird switching from that happiness of doing what you want (in your case, playing games, in my case, both that and hanging out with my few loved ones.) And then feeling back to 0 will to live when that distraction is gone.

It makes me wonder why I can't "pick a side" of either choosing to be happy and not attempt, or leave the distractions and end it all.

I never really knew how to describe this feeling.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Well if something in life is able to make you want to be alive, I think that's a good thing. Sure, you want to die, but that resolve isn't as strong as you thought and there is some glimmer of hope in all that darkness.

It is frustrating to see-saw between wanting to die and enjoying whatever life gives you, but as long as you are alive, I think you should enjoy things. Life, for many, is a roller-coaster of highs and lows, and to manage them is not easy. Maybe you should just enjoy the highs while they last. The lows will always come, they will always suck, but if the highs weren't worth it, you wouldn't even wait for the next one.

Overall, since you're here with us living beings, why not make yourself as comfortable as possible? Death'll come when it comes.

 

[aiyuxhan]

There's nothing wrong with enjoying things before you go. They do it for terminal dying patients. So, I think it's a good thing you enjoy some things before leaving this plane of existence for good