tearsofanangel
New Member
- Nov 12, 2025
- 4
I just wanted to connect with someone on something.
I have a friend I live with that used to be very suicidal a few years ago when we met. Would talk about their philosophy all the time of "if things are bad, you should be allowed to go". I agreed with their point, but told them that I still saw a path for them and wanted to help them on it. They trusted me enough to stay here, and now three years later they have a lot going for them, including a will to live, a stable job, a better relationship with their family, and their own apartment.
In that time, I've only deteriorated further and further, to the point I want to CTB. A couple months ago I asked them if they still had the same philosophy on life, would they be willing to help me end mine (It was probably not a good idea to ask, but I thought maybe they thought the same still, and I really didn't want to be alone... I think I maybe just wanted someone to help me too, and this was the last way I hadn't asked.)
They said yes-- they heard me out on my frustrations with life, agreed with me that if I felt I should leave then I should, and they'd supply me what they meant to CTB with back then when the time came for me-- they even recommended that I look for forums for advice on mindset and overcoming SI! That's how I found this place!
But a month ago, when the day came that I was finally ready to go, they broke down and said they couldn't help me, and had a panic attack at the thought of my death being imminent. We had a big argument, and haven't talked about it ever since. They seem to be doing so much better in life, which I'm very thankful for! I just wish they had told me they couldn't handle it before I roped them in-- them knowing I'm suicidal and looking for a way to CTB makes planning it infinitely harder. It's hard watching my roommate get their life together, while mine falls apart with no one to help me.
I have no family that supports me. I have no friends except my roommate that I actually talk to. I have various physical and mental disabilities that make existing in my body feel like agony. No one is able to help me with my problems. I understand-- an adult should be able to take care of themselves. But I've never been able to go it alone.
I'm trying professional help. But I just had my first session with the third therapist in four months, and it doesn't seem like this one will go any better than the last. Everyone recommends me to "find new people and make new friends and have better support"... but that just makes the cycle of losing them eventually repeat, and makes me feel so much worse. The world moves too fast for me. It doesn't like me as I am. I have to change to be liked by people, and I don't want to change.
But I'm so lonely. I just wish I didn't have to be alone. I wish I could get myself to leave and CTB, if there really is no one who can help me. But I'm too cowardly to even do that alone... I wanna wait a few months for my roommate to think I'm "doing better", then maybe make a serious attempt. Maybe after a few more months of failed therapy my loneliness will finally outweigh my fear. But even being able to peacefully escape my own suffering feels hopeless for me.
I just wish everything I tried to do to help myself didn't blow up in my face. I feel cursed to suffer from endless loneliness, with no way out.
I have a friend I live with that used to be very suicidal a few years ago when we met. Would talk about their philosophy all the time of "if things are bad, you should be allowed to go". I agreed with their point, but told them that I still saw a path for them and wanted to help them on it. They trusted me enough to stay here, and now three years later they have a lot going for them, including a will to live, a stable job, a better relationship with their family, and their own apartment.
In that time, I've only deteriorated further and further, to the point I want to CTB. A couple months ago I asked them if they still had the same philosophy on life, would they be willing to help me end mine (It was probably not a good idea to ask, but I thought maybe they thought the same still, and I really didn't want to be alone... I think I maybe just wanted someone to help me too, and this was the last way I hadn't asked.)
They said yes-- they heard me out on my frustrations with life, agreed with me that if I felt I should leave then I should, and they'd supply me what they meant to CTB with back then when the time came for me-- they even recommended that I look for forums for advice on mindset and overcoming SI! That's how I found this place!
But a month ago, when the day came that I was finally ready to go, they broke down and said they couldn't help me, and had a panic attack at the thought of my death being imminent. We had a big argument, and haven't talked about it ever since. They seem to be doing so much better in life, which I'm very thankful for! I just wish they had told me they couldn't handle it before I roped them in-- them knowing I'm suicidal and looking for a way to CTB makes planning it infinitely harder. It's hard watching my roommate get their life together, while mine falls apart with no one to help me.
I have no family that supports me. I have no friends except my roommate that I actually talk to. I have various physical and mental disabilities that make existing in my body feel like agony. No one is able to help me with my problems. I understand-- an adult should be able to take care of themselves. But I've never been able to go it alone.
I'm trying professional help. But I just had my first session with the third therapist in four months, and it doesn't seem like this one will go any better than the last. Everyone recommends me to "find new people and make new friends and have better support"... but that just makes the cycle of losing them eventually repeat, and makes me feel so much worse. The world moves too fast for me. It doesn't like me as I am. I have to change to be liked by people, and I don't want to change.
But I'm so lonely. I just wish I didn't have to be alone. I wish I could get myself to leave and CTB, if there really is no one who can help me. But I'm too cowardly to even do that alone... I wanna wait a few months for my roommate to think I'm "doing better", then maybe make a serious attempt. Maybe after a few more months of failed therapy my loneliness will finally outweigh my fear. But even being able to peacefully escape my own suffering feels hopeless for me.
I just wish everything I tried to do to help myself didn't blow up in my face. I feel cursed to suffer from endless loneliness, with no way out.
