Venting I just want the pain to stop, not necessarily to kill myself

[Makethemsuffer]

I hate myself so much man. I hate everything about myself. I hate my body, I hate how socially awkward I am, I hate how quickly I get attached to things, I hate how I feel sad about stuff that has nothing to do with me.

I simply can't live like this, I just can't. No one could.

But dying isn't what I want. I just want the pain to stop.

Suicide is a way to stop the pain and I'm gravitating towards it more and more each day, but in the end I still daydream about being saved. I dream about someone showing me the beauty of life, giving me a reason to live for. Then I snap back to reality and realize no one is coming for me. I'm stuck here with myself. Me and myself. Just the two of us.

I wouldn't say I have two personalities, but I surely have two different views of the world. I could try making friends or finding a partner, I'm sitll young, but why would I? Actually, why would they? I got nothing to put on the table, I'm uninteresting, I'm awkward, I don't know how to sustain a conversation, even if I did I still don't know how to talk to other people, I'm ugly as fuck, my life is boring; why would THEY want to be with ME? Why should I put them through the disgrace of being with me? I already avoid people just so they don't have to be near me. Not for me, why the fuck would I care for myself, but for them. I don't want people to go through even being near me. If someone asks me if they can sit next to me on the bus/train I just get up and leave. HOW would I even fix my life at this point?? If someone came to me with genuine interest and good intentions I would either isolate myself or shoo them away. Why would I trust them anyways? I have nothing, I am nothing. Why would they be genuinely interested in being with me if not for some sort of personal gain?

I want to live, but when I realize how hopeless I am it really does seem like suicide is the only answer. At this poing I just hope I'll grow some balls to actually do it. I'm tired

 

[LonelyIsTheMuse]

Obviously if I'm here on this website I'm not in a very different position I guess you could say
My life has gone miles away from completely miserable though and I've done a lot for myself.

I'm the same as you, I'm not sure I want death, it's definitely a last resort option, I love living, just I didn't come in with the most fortunate circumstances.

I was a very unstable person some time ago and when you are that way and especially if you are always stuck in self-pity and victimhood, you will just be stuck in the same place all the time. I'm not familiar with every detail of your story so if I make a crass assumption, I apologise.

Either way, a lot of things that you have to do to feel better will feel VERY and I mean VEEERYYY uncomfortable. Like, making yourself talk to people when you don't have to or going out when you don't want to, showering when you don't want to. But if they generally are known to improve mental state, they need to happen. You also need to work on swallowing the hard truths. Being anti-fragile, and I don't mean lacking self-sympathy, but not giving the power to events and people to push you over, knowing how to separate what's your fault for real and what is completely out of your control.

Those are just a few things, don't feel obligated to respond if this is not in any way helpful, but if the opposite is true - I can always expand on whatever you need to hear more of.

 

[StupidGirl001]

Bein

Obviously if I'm here on this website I'm not in a very different position I guess you could say
My life has gone miles away from completely miserable though and I've done a lot for myself.

I'm the same as you, I'm not sure I want death, it's definitely a last resort option, I love living, just I didn't come in with the most fortunate circumstances.

I was a very unstable person some time ago and when you are that way and especially if you are always stuck in self-pity and victimhood, you will just be stuck in the same place all the time. I'm not familiar with every detail of your story so if I make a crass assumption, I apologise.

Either way, a lot of things that you have to do to feel better will feel VERY and I mean VEEERYYY uncomfortable. Like, making yourself talk to people when you don't have to or going out when you don't want to, showering when you don't want to. But if they generally are known to improve mental state, they need to happen. You also need to work on swallowing the hard truths. Being anti-fragile, and I don't mean lacking self-sympathy, but not giving the power to events and people to push you over, knowing how to separate what's your fault for real and what is completely out of your control.

Those are just a few things, don't feel obligated to respond if this is not in any way helpful, but if the opposite is true - I can always expand on whatever you need to hear more of.

Being better mentally seems amazing
But I don't think it would be worth all the effort you need to get there
Life has nothing worth existing for either way

 

[LonelyPrince]

I feel you. I don't necessarily crave death, i just crave for the suffering to stop. I hate myself too: i wish I didn't. I'm actively trying to understand how to not loath myself, since it's the root cause of some of my major issues.
I too wish for someone to save me, however that's not how it works unfortunately. The only one that can save you is yourself. I wish I could tell you how but I don't know how to save myself either.

 

[LonelyIsTheMuse]

Bein

Being better mentally seems amazing
But I don't think it would be worth all the effort you need to get there
Life has nothing worth existing for either way

if you feel that way, it's your right to perceive it as you'd like, but I think if you find your own meaning it kinda becomes easier to find the joys in life.
Don't mean to go on a whole performative positivity spiel and don't mean to pretend like I've got it all figured out cause I don't and sometimes I even forget about this mentality, but I guess I just like a lot of the little things about life and have set my own goals.
This helps me at least, but it's understandable if it doesn't help you.

 

[StupidGirl001]

if you find your own meaning it kinda becomes easier to find the joys in life.

I don't even know what I like anymore. I discovered things recently that made it even worse. Why live when you have a genetic affinity to many psychiatric illnesses? I don't wanna become a person on so much meds I barely function.
And I see the disasters... AI, governments slowly becoming dictatorships, climate change... maybe I won't even create my dream house because we'll all live in bunkers.
How can I find meaning if all the books are being destroyed? All music is has same rhythm to be easily sold; artistic jobs are being dumped in the toilet and everything is mass produced in the same way for everyone in the name of "affordable" when it's just giving money to the rich
I just find it impossible to have any kind of hope. I wanna die before it gets unbearable, and it means doing it soon

This helps me at least, but it's understandable if it doesn't help you.

But I'm happy you're finally being able to see the light. I hope it lasts until you're old! No one deserves to be trapped in the dark (minus me).

 

[webb&flow]

Why should I put them through the disgrace of being with me?

don't want people to go through even being near me.

If someone asks me if they can sit next to me on the bus/train I just get up and leave.

Why would they be genuinely interested in being with me if not for some sort of personal gain?

This is the desire behind these sentences you have written here:

• You wish to avoid bringing people pain.

That is a deeper source of what someone might read as "self-hatred". The reason why you get up and leave when someone asks you for your seat is because you want to avoid "bothering" that person. It makes perfect sense if you view it from your own perspective.

If someone came to me with genuine interest and good intentions I would either isolate myself or shoo them away.

This is from a desire to avoid bringing this person pain. "I don't want to hurt this person; so I have to put distance between them and myself, because their attempts to help me will not actually help me, and will only bring me pain".

I know you might disagree with me, and I respect that. I do genuinely believe what I have written here is true though, but I keep myself open to alternative explanations and perspectives; I am open to considering other views of this too.

I feel I understand what you are expressing here, and the drivers behind it too. Feel free to correct me if I may be mistaken in any way shape or form :), feel free to critique any single word or sentence of mine that you feel may deviate from how things really work. Best wishes; may there be relaxations in today and tomorrow too.

Why should I put them through the disgrace of being with me?

don't want people to go through even being near me.

If someone asks me if they can sit next to me on the bus/train I just get up and leave.

Why would they be genuinely interested in being with me if not for some sort of personal gain?

This is the desire behind these sentences you have written here:

• You wish to avoid bringing people pain.

That is a deeper source of what someone might read as "self-hatred". The reason why you get up and leave when someone asks you for your seat is because you want to avoid "bothering" that person. It makes perfect sense if you view it from your own perspective.

If someone came to me with genuine interest and good intentions I would either isolate myself or shoo them away.

This is from a desire to avoid bringing this person pain. "I don't want to hurt this person; so I have to put distance between them and myself, because their attempts to help me will not actually help me, and will only bring me pain".

I know you might disagree with me, and I respect that. I do genuinely believe what I have written here is true though, but I keep myself open to alternative explanations and perspectives; I am open to considering other views of this too.

I feel I understand what you are expressing here, and the drivers behind it too. Feel free to correct me if I may be mistaken in any way shape or form :), feel free to critique any single word or sentence of mine that you feel may deviate from how things really work. Best wishes; may there be relaxations in today and tomorrow too.