I just need someone to tell me what I feel is real

[wildflowers1996]

I feel so pathetic and delusional.

I love someone I've never met. It's so pathetic.

I have really severe body dysmorphic disorder. Which stops me being able to socialise other than online.

I met another girl online when I was 12. She's 28 now, I'm 27. We were friends for years and spoke online nearly every day. We never met because of my BDD. Understandably, she moved on. She has a partner now.

Maybe it's because the BDD meant I could never get close with anyone else, but I feel like I love her. I miss her all the time. It's been made clear I'm not wanted any more, and she doesn't care about me. I've missed her for years and years.

My brain is completely messed up telling me things like she's my soulmate. It's all in my head and a lie. I felt like she was the only person I connected with ever and she used to say that I meant a lot to her too. I don't any more. I think it's a romantic thing, rather then a sexual thing. I feel like I'm in love with her soul. She knows I want to ctb. She doesn't care - it's been made very clear.

So much reminds me of her. I hear certain music and I'll feel it so deeply and start crying. I remember being on a boat and looking out at the ocean and just feeling so deeply I was meant to know her. I imagined travelling the world with her. I dream about her all the time. I always felt for years that I was connected to her somehow - whenever I went anywhere and was lonely I'd imagine what it was like if she were there.

I feel SO pathetic writing this but it's the closest I've ever had to a bond with someone. I could never get close to anyone in person because of the BDD.

She came out as pansexual and likes girls too. There's a part of me saying could she have loved me, if we'd met? She probably wouldn't have. She certainly doesn't care now, and she has a partner. I'll never even meet her.

I wish i didn't have these stupid, irrational, childish beliefs about soulmates and twin flames. I know there's no evidence for it. I know it's my loneliness making me delusional. I just want to stop missing her.

I just want someone to understand. Who thinks that how I feel actually means something.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I think that happens when you've been alone for a long time. I found myself crushing on a woman I had only met online briefly. I also still kind of have a crush on a man I talk to online sometimes and have known for a long time. It hurts me a lot when I hear about the hookups he has. I'm probably also bisexual since I've never had a romantic connection so that's playing a part in it. I too feel ashamed of my body but idk if I've got BDD. I just hate looking at my deathly pale, hollow face in the mirror and how skinny I am so I do what I can to cover up as much as I can so I and others can't see it.

I don't know how bonds to people we've never met can develop so deeply but I know loneliness has to do with it. I don't think you're pathetic for writing this because I think a lot of people have experienced the same things you have. People who see it as irrational are likely people who haven't experienced it as we have. I don't think there's any way to take the pain away other than to wait it out. From my experience, it's a really painful thing to deal with and I'm sorry you have to go through it. I hope this helps you feel less alone.

 

[Coconteppi]

I'm really sorry to hear how BDD has caused this much difficulty in your life. Have you tried using VrChat? I know it can be a helpful tool for some people who suffer from BDD as you can look however you'd like in the game. People have formes relationships through it aswell and it could be helpful to give you the option to show them how you look irl when you're ready to.
I don't think your pathetic or delusional if that's worth anything. :) Sorry if this wasn't the response you were hoping for.

 

[wildflowers1996]

Thank you both so much.
I feel like because I haven't met her, I'm not allowed to be heartbroken. But it is heartbreak. I've missed her for about ten years now. I've never stopped loving her. I feel I'm more affected than lots of people in normal relationships who break up. They move on.
I know I can't meet anyone else because of the BDD, but it really isn't just that. I want /her/. I don't expect her to feel the same way. I wish she still cared about me in some way though. I feel this spiritual connection to her and it's ridiculous, it's all a delusion.

 

[escape_from_hell]

What you are feeling is real. Why wouldn't it be? As real as anyone else's. Sounds like you were talking for quite a number of years, so certainly more real than couples who meet and marry the next week.

If you never met, it may have just been easier for her to move (assuming she has a lot more real life connections than you) unfortunately.

If this was one of or the strongest connection you had in life, you are sure to be experiencing actual grief. I am going through grief myself, more than two years now, for a relationship I ruined. One of the hallmarks of this grief is constant reminders of our time, like you are experiencing from certain music or being in certain places.

It won't be much consolation but you can at least acknowledge you have legitimate grief.

 

[restless.dreams]

It's understandable that you would feel a strong connection to someone you've known for so long, especially if she was your only source of close companionship. The pain you are experiencing is real. I hope you are able to find a way to move on <3

 

[voidstar]

I had/have the same thing, if I'm being honest. I'm 30 now but back around when I was 14 I met a girl slightly younger than myself online and we became best friends. We'd share out deepest secrets with each other, our bond was growing strong over then years and once we both were around 17/18 we had mutual feelings for each other. So we got together.
We stayed together for over a year, nothing ever changed in our dynamic when suddenly she told me she couldn't do it anymore and broke up with me. Promised me we'd still be best friends and so on.
Well, it'll be 10 years soon since I've last talked to her, I have a new partner now with whom I've been together with for 5 years now but you know what? I still mourn her, mourn 'us' and find myself listing thoughts just like yourself on occasion.
I still miss her, I still love her but it's over. It's hard what you're going through and I can relate. It'll get less and less severe over time but for me it had never faded completely.
I think I've lost the point of what I wanted to tell you but yeah, those feelings are real and valid and hard to deal with. Especially longing. And you've shared so much of your childhood with them.
I wish you the best.