Venting I just had such a weird night wtf

[FutureHanger]

a couple minutes before midnight I dashed out of my house and once I was out my door I was confident I would do it because I told myself once I close the door there's no coming back so then I went to these rails I planned to hang myself at, realised I might not be able to walk in between the rails far enough to where the ligature was, so I walked around town looking for another area to do it at then i decided to go back to the original location and give it a try again and this time i figured out how to walk in the rails and got everything set up but realised I didn't know how I'd drop off the rails, I told myself I could just drop sideways them quickly turn once I step off but as i put the noose around my neck i really started to doubt that idea and started imagining a bunch of scenarios where me not knowing how to drop goes wrong then i let out a quick sulk like i was about to cry and i really was on the verge of tears. I took my rope and started looking to see if other rails in the area would be good then I heard a prerecorded message being played and was scared the gates to the area might close soon so i ran out. I'm just speechless and shaken I really did all that just to chicken out and worst thing is I don't know if that reason was valid or just SI . Should've brought my stool or pillows to drop off of but my lazy ass thought my hands would be too full smh

 

[iusedtobehappy]

a couple minutes before midnight I dashed out of my house and once I was out my door I was confident I would do it because I told myself once I close the door there's no coming back so then I went to these rails I planned to hang myself at, realised I might not be able to walk in between the rails far enough to where the ligature was, so I walked around town looking for another area to do it at then i decided to go back to the original location and give it a try again and this time i figured out how to walk in the rails and got everything set up but realised I didn't know how I'd drop off the rails, I told myself I could just drop sideways them quickly turn once I step off but as i put the noose around my neck i really started to doubtW that idea and started imagining a bunch of scenarios where me not knowing how to drop goes wrong then i let out a quick sulk like i was about to cry and i really was on the verge of tears. I took my rope and started looking to see if other rails in the area would be good then I heard a prerecorded message being played and was scared the gates to the area might close soon so i ran out. I'm just speechless and shaken I really did all that just to chicken out and worst thing is I don't know if that reason was valid or just SI . Should've brought my stool or pillows to drop off of but my lazy ass thought my hands would be too full smh

Well you are not lazy. That took a lot of thought and effort! SI, both emotionally and physically, is a real thing. It's like if a bear is chasing you, your SI is to run. It's self-preservation and we are hard wired for it. FWIW, I'm glad you're still here to share your story. Go easy on yourself.