I have no reason to live no future no hope i tried getting help and no one even cared about me i tried going to payed therapy but it wasn't managable i have to pay a 100 dollars per hour for therapy in my country and that is not affordable for me.
At my first session my therapist arrived late and rushed me because the line was too long and i couldn't even tell her that i was suicidal i told my family in 2020 that i was depressed and they told me that depression is not real and that it is a western invention and that i should just leave my room and stop focusing on the negative parts of my life and now they already forgot that i was depressed in 2020 but fun fact about me i have been depressed since 2018 up until now and things only got worse i learnt about the existence of this forum in early 2025 in a post where someone was talking about how there is a forum that is bad and is helping people commit suicide and it just sounded like the thing that i needed a place where i can tell others that i want to die without them telling me that life is good and that i should just be happy a place where i can find the best method to end my life my meaningless depressing life.
But no matter what i feel or do i just chicken out when i think about death i want to die but i feel a fear when i think about actually dying when i stood in the edge of the local bridge in 2022 and i saw the view i thought about jumping but i saw a cat that was walking on the railings i am a cat lover so i didn't want the cat to see me die the cat would probably feel nothing from watching me die but i can never know how my death will feel like for this cat so it felt wrong to jump and then i thought what if i regret jumping in the middle of the jump so jumping has not been a method that i would consider i will probably use an instant method like hanging(if done right is instant) or a gun i don't want to feel the last moments of my life and the painful death i think i am just a coward i always lived like a coward when i was bullied i never stood up for myself even when my bully ended up raping me in a closed classroom i just closed my eyes and waited for it to finish i didn't fight him back i just wanted him to get it over with i lived as a coward and i will probably die as a coward i don't think i will cbt i will probably die from natural causes or i will get some sickness from my life style that is caused by depression. I wish i was as brave as the people who took their own lives.
At my first session my therapist arrived late and rushed me because the line was too long and i couldn't even tell her that i was suicidal i told my family in 2020 that i was depressed and they told me that depression is not real and that it is a western invention and that i should just leave my room and stop focusing on the negative parts of my life and now they already forgot that i was depressed in 2020 but fun fact about me i have been depressed since 2018 up until now and things only got worse i learnt about the existence of this forum in early 2025 in a post where someone was talking about how there is a forum that is bad and is helping people commit suicide and it just sounded like the thing that i needed a place where i can tell others that i want to die without them telling me that life is good and that i should just be happy a place where i can find the best method to end my life my meaningless depressing life.
But no matter what i feel or do i just chicken out when i think about death i want to die but i feel a fear when i think about actually dying when i stood in the edge of the local bridge in 2022 and i saw the view i thought about jumping but i saw a cat that was walking on the railings i am a cat lover so i didn't want the cat to see me die the cat would probably feel nothing from watching me die but i can never know how my death will feel like for this cat so it felt wrong to jump and then i thought what if i regret jumping in the middle of the jump so jumping has not been a method that i would consider i will probably use an instant method like hanging(if done right is instant) or a gun i don't want to feel the last moments of my life and the painful death i think i am just a coward i always lived like a coward when i was bullied i never stood up for myself even when my bully ended up raping me in a closed classroom i just closed my eyes and waited for it to finish i didn't fight him back i just wanted him to get it over with i lived as a coward and i will probably die as a coward i don't think i will cbt i will probably die from natural causes or i will get some sickness from my life style that is caused by depression. I wish i was as brave as the people who took their own lives.
