Venting I just don't know if I should ctb tonight or not

[sulk]

Im too scared to just simply die and i'm too scared to live. I literally only have today to ctb since my relatives will be coming over for the rest of the month until like late october they'll be gone but i don't know if it's too risky to wait that long. I just feel so fucking lost and if i don't ctb today ill be suffering for another three weeks. I don't know if ill be able to handle that. I just want to do it today and get it over with. i planned to do it by today or earlier but i'm just a pussy i pussied out. i just can't stop thinking about my family finding my body hanging the next day or me failing and setting a bad reputation for my family or even becoming vegetable. i hate survival instinct, i genuinely don't know if ill be able to get it over with. i just want some substance like sn to take me away from this hell and all of this hard decision making. hell, i don't even think ill have the guts to ingest sn because of how much of a pussy i am. i know ctbing is not an easy decision to make but i just see other people getting it over with and wonder what the fuck is wrong with me, as sick as it is to think of it in such a way

 

[Sweetsinking]

I also suffer with making the big decision to end it and it makes me feel like a failure or a fake. My biggest fear is also becoming a vegetable! The #1 reason why I've never attempted. I also know if I ingested SN I'd call for help as soon as the symptoms hit me lol, survival instincts are something.

 

[sulk]

I also suffer with making the big decision to end it and it makes me feel like a failure or a fake. My biggest fear is also becoming a vegetable! The #1 reason why I've never attempted. I also know if I ingested SN I'd call for help as soon as the symptoms hit me lol, survival instincts are something.

i totally get that and you're not a failure at all survival instinct is just a bitch ://

 

[claviceps.purpurea]

I'm in a very similar situation to yours. I'm too scared to die, I'm too scared too live. that's why I'm trying to do as much as I can to stay sober and think of it without impulsivity and quick decisions.
From what you say, you're quite exhausted from all of this and that you feel there something wrong with u. But let me tell u that it's useless to compare you with others. It's okay if you feel scared and overthink it. If you're not 100% sure I'd recommend u to wait, although it might be more exhausting. But doing so on impulse could merely worsen your life if something goes wrong.