I just can't take this anymore. CTB soon.

[MatthewV3]

Hello,
It's been a while since I've posted anything here. But this life is nightmare. I just can't take this. A few days ago I went to my first job. I'm 23 years old and I have never worked before because of 7 years of depression and social phobia. Manual worker of course because no one else wanted to hire me. 2 days of work and I already have enough. I just can't wake up at 4:00 am to go to work for 8 hours. I don't know why I would I work? I will never have this "normal life" I keep dreaming of. I will never have my own life, friends, girlfriend, wife, family, house, etc. I already have tried to kill myself 3 times (hanging) but SI is a bitch :( I hope this time is going to be different. SN ready. Waitnig for other meds, Xanax, propranolol, meto, etc. I'm just sitting in front of the screen and crying :(

 

[FuneralCry]

Hanging does sound like such a difficult method to succeed with, it makes it sound so much easier than it actually is when you hear of all these people managing to go through with it, I always envy them, but at least you have the option of SN. I do get that it can be awful and tiring feeling trapped in a life that is just endless suffering, so I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[DeathBecomesMe_2021]

This is sad to read because you're still so young, you still have your whole life ahead of you but you're basically saying you're already doomed when it comes to having any kind of future. I'm sorry you're in such a terrible place.

Why do you say you'll never have a girlfriend/wife, house, family etc? Getting the whole package like a wife, kids and home isn't all it's cracked up to be though. Longterm relationships are hard work and it's rare to find a "soulmate". Raising kids is also hard work, probably one of the hardest jobs there is.

 

[freedomcalls]

Aw it's such early days into a different way of life… maybe if you stuck with the job a bit, you might make friends there… maybe start to feel physically stronger from manual work and a social life with colleagues that might change the projectory for you?
My brother had a "dead end manual job" for a while that really was a stepping stone into a future with a lot of good stuff in it

Having said that… being in a relationship is HARD work; having children is the most emotionally demanding thing imaginable - raising children to be emotionally well when you have never achieved that state yourself is nigh on impossible, and seeing them mirror or reflect your own triggers is a whole new level of hell

So I get it… life is HARD, but I hope that you can stick with the job for a while in case it does change how you feel about things… at the very least you'll have a pay check to enjoy

 

[DeathBecomesMe_2021]

"… having children is the most emotionally demanding thing imaginable - raising children to be emotionally well when you have never achieved that state yourself is nigh on impossible, and seeing them mirror or reflect your own triggers is a whole new level of hell…"

That resonates with me. How does one raise well-adjusted children when one isn't well-adjusted oneself and have only ever known 'dysfunction' and perhaps come from a neglectful/toxic background. 'Demanding' is an understatement.

 

[Sad_Sack]

Maybe you can start out working part time. If you haven't worked before jumping right into full time and waking up that early is pretty rough. I don't know if you are going full time out of necessity but if you have the ability to, I'd say either ask for part time where you are now or find another job that you can work part time. I remember when I was first working how I felt like I was done on the first day. I quit my first job in less than a week. Second job I lasted like 6 months. It takes awhile to get in the groove of it. Don't think you can't have the things you want in life because you haven't got used to work yet. I'm sure you are also meaning your depression and social phobia are obstacles as well, but social phobia really can get better. Depression can be really difficult to get out of though. I can't get out if mine, but a lot of people do.