Venting I just can't quit but I want to stop

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Reading words meant to make me better, they make me worse and pull me into a hole. Am I a porn addict? Why do I care? Why is there a 50 page guide on quitting porn, that ends on a freaking "semen saving" website? Why? WHY?

Why do I feel like everything I do is wrong? Everything is wrong, the way I sleep, the way I play, the way I fucking masturbate, the things I like...one word against me and I'm questioning my entire life! Why can't I have a modicum of confidence? Why do I need so much support. Why don't I feel anything when people help?

I don't wanna die. No, I wanna be happy in this life, I want to force myself to be happy. That's why I masturbate. Why, why does nothing else work? Why do I have to drug myself? Why am I even complaining, it feels great...unless people tell me I should stop.

Like a frail fortress on a muddy hill, any opposition will crumble me. I'm just a little idiot searching for a way to be happy forever and all I'm finding is porn. I wasted myself so much, and yet, if I didn't, would it matter? Why do I even care anymore, I just want to stop doing things and let myself rot in my bed. Shit myself, piss myself, until I just die. Or maybe not, maybe I think I just deserve the punishment.

Maybe that's why I still live. I want to punish myself, to leash my body until blood bleeds out. I deserve pain, I must learn to love it, to want it. It's the only way I can enjoy this life. Is that it? Maybe it's just what I feel, punishment and pain, and I'm trying desperately to transform it into pleasure. To rewire my brain to like my mediocre existence.

And yet, despite all that, I crave so much attention and love. I crave the soft smile, the firm hug. Like a crazy dual-minded freak, I want both, and neither, and yet I have it. Inside my mind palace, where everything Is in my control. I go there so much...it's so comfortable, so nice. The only place I feel good about.

Reality was a mistake.

 

[timf]

Porn, like gluttony, is an addictive state one comes to often amplified in isolation. There are natural drives that also have pleasant sensations which can be tempting to abuse.

Humans were never designed to live in isolation. Up until 100 years ago almost everyone in history around the planet had a family of 5-10 siblings and as many as 50-100 cousins. They usually got married in their teens to people they grew up with and knew each other deeply.

When technology provided the opportunity to escape small towns most did because that life could be confining. When technology provided the means to prevent children, most took advantage of it for the same reason, taking care of children is confining. As a result we now live in a world that is less confined and people have the freedom to do what they want.

This exposes a basic problem with humanity. We are selfish. We need and want others, but we push each other away. In the past early marriages and close family life would force many to abandon some of their natural selfishness so that they could at least get along if not be happy.

If you can add elements to your life that benefit others, such as volunteer work, you may begin to find you can also dial back on some consumptive habits. By cultivating a degree of selflessness, you can show a sincere interest in others that can make you attractive to others. Reality is so bad once one begins to learn some navigation skill.

 

[easypeasy]

You're not alone in any of this — not the pain, not the confusion, not the feeling that every part of you is somehow wrong. I don't think you're broken. I think you're exhausted from trying to fit your real, raw self into a world that keeps offering punishment where you're really just needing compassion.

You don't need to be fixed to be worthy. You don't need to scrub yourself clean of every desire, every craving, every habit, to earn gentleness or joy. It makes sense that porn feels like an escape — it offers something predictable, something that doesn't talk back or tell you you're too much. That's not weakness. That's your brain trying to survive.

And that image — the frail fortress on a muddy hill — that hit me. Because even that fortress still stands, doesn't it? Still trying. Still here. You're not a freak for wanting both punishment and affection. You're a person who's been hurt and is trying to feel something that doesn't burn. And even if it feels like all you've found is porn, look at you — you're still writing. Still reaching out. Still craving that soft smile and that firm hug.

I don't think reality was a mistake. I think it's just that no one taught us how to be in it with this much pain. But we can learn — one moment, one honest word at a time. You don't need to rot. You need rest. You don't need punishment. You need patience.

And you deserve love — not just in the mind palace, but here too. Even now.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

You're not alone in any of this — not the pain, not the confusion, not the feeling that every part of you is somehow wrong. I don't think you're broken. I think you're exhausted from trying to fit your real, raw self into a world that keeps offering punishment where you're really just needing compassion.

You don't need to be fixed to be worthy. You don't need to scrub yourself clean of every desire, every craving, every habit, to earn gentleness or joy. It makes sense that porn feels like an escape — it offers something predictable, something that doesn't talk back or tell you you're too much. That's not weakness. That's your brain trying to survive.

And that image — the frail fortress on a muddy hill — that hit me. Because even that fortress still stands, doesn't it? Still trying. Still here. You're not a freak for wanting both punishment and affection. You're a person who's been hurt and is trying to feel something that doesn't burn. And even if it feels like all you've found is porn, look at you — you're still writing. Still reaching out. Still craving that soft smile and that firm hug.

I don't think reality was a mistake. I think it's just that no one taught us how to be in it with this much pain. But we can learn — one moment, one honest word at a time. You don't need to rot. You need rest. You don't need punishment. You need patience.

And you deserve love — not just in the mind palace, but here too. Even now.

Your words truly make me feel better. I still maintain that fortress day after day, putting back loose parts, trying to hold it together. I understand desire is not something bad per se, but sometimes it feels it is too much, I end up not talking about anything sexual with anybody with fear of driving them away, because I don't know what is normal anymore.

That said, I think i do need rest, patience, love and compassion, and I'm willing to give back to the best of my ability if something or someone gives it to me. I just fear losing hope again, thinking that it's false, a lie made by my mind or maybe by others to keep me together, the frail foundations of my morals, shaken by yet another disappointment.

I do crave the caring hold, the meaningless whispers, the feeling of never letting go...I do crave love, and sometimes I have to invent it. The touch, the connection, the subtle and not so subtle cues that you feel coming from a body that does not exist, yet you can feel. A mind you control, a love that won't end, yet it never began, but the faint breath makes you feel alive for a moment, and lures the darkness away.

Thanks for the kind words. My being truly needs them, and I'm not afraid of wanting them. I'm only afraid of never getting them.

 

[PrettyWhiteFlower]

I've heard of that 'semen saving'. I don't know if you wanted a literal explanation but I'm autistic so I'll give you one.

Their is a spiritual belief that there is energy in everything and by saving your semen you are apparently boosting your energy.

Then there is the religious belief that masturbating is somehow evil and so they push the same belief that no doing so somehow makes you more powerful or something.

I wouldn't be surprised if it's also being pushed by those alpha/sigma male communities as they want their followers to be as horny and desperate as possible cause that's they only way they'll stay listening to what these losers say

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I've heard of that 'semen saving'. I don't know if you wanted a literal explanation but I'm autistic so I'll give you one.

Their is a spiritual belief that there is energy in everything and by saving your semen you are apparently boosting your energy.

Then there is the religious belief that masturbating is somehow evil and so they push the same belief that no doing so somehow makes you more powerful or something.

I wouldn't be surprised if it's also being pushed by those alpha/sigma male communities as they want their followers to be as horny and desperate as possible cause that's they only way they'll stay listening to what these losers say

That makes me think back on the "Every sperm is sacred" Monty Python joke...you know, back when it was just a joke.

I'm better now but maybe I would be better earlier if these things didn't get pushed towards insecure young men, to make them crazy early on.

 

[PrettyWhiteFlower]

That makes me think back on the "Every sperm is sacred" Monty Python joke...you know, back when it was just a joke.

I'm better now but maybe I would be better earlier if these things didn't get pushed towards insecure young men, to make them crazy early on.

It really does feel like every silly thing is taken so seriously now.

I'm glad you are doing better. The world has a huge problem with groups taking advantage of young men and using their insecurities to draw them in. It's good that you were able to avoid being sucked in and brainwashed into believing the rubbish they spread

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

It really does feel like every silly thing is taken so seriously now.

I'm glad you are doing better. The world has a huge problem with groups taking advantage of young men and using their insecurities to draw them in. It's good that you were able to avoid being sucked in and brainwashed into believing the rubbish they spread

I don't want to downplay the necessity of support for women, but sometimes I think these new generations of men, millennia forwards, had been basically abandoned in terms of place in the world. I'm not saying, like, men lost the power and control they had and must have it back. It's more like they're unguided and unsure how to progress in a world of changes, and this means a lot of people are going to take advantage of these men, and some of those who take advantage will be those who want men to get the power and control back.

Maybe men need a support network like women to avoid these things? To avoid being lured back into misogyny, inceldom, manosphere stuff and the like, just like women groups help with abuse, empowerment and the like? I may be oversimplifying things so correct me if I'm wrong.

 

[PrettyWhiteFlower]

I don't want to downplay the necessity of support for women, but sometimes I think these new generations of men, millennia forwards, had been basically abandoned in terms of place in the world. I'm not saying, like, men lost the power and control they had and must have it back. It's more like they're unguided and unsure how to progress in a world of changes, and this means a lot of people are going to take advantage of these men, and some of those who take advantage will be those who want men to get the power and control back.

Maybe men need a support network like women to avoid these things? To avoid being lured back into misogyny, inceldom, manosphere stuff and the like, just like women groups help with abuse, empowerment and the like? I may be oversimplifying things so correct me if I'm wrong.

I think you are genuinely right and you worded it really well. Of course us women still have our problems but this problem in particular seems to be affecting men. Young men need positive role models but it seems to be whenever a man tries to stand up and do something about it he just gets accused of being a simp or that he's just doing it to get female attention.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I think you are genuinely right and you worded it really well. Of course us women still have our problems but this problem in particular seems to be affecting men. Young men need positive role models but it seems to be whenever a man tries to stand up and do something about it he just gets accused of being a simp or that he's just doing it to get female attention.

I think there should have more support for cis men and hetero men to defy their gender roles, so that they feel more confident in being themselves rather than what others want them to be. Again, not to downplay the need for support for other demographics. I just think the root of the problem may lie, indeed, on cis/hetero men not being guided into anything but traditional gender roles, while other demographics have more progress in that regard.

If this neglect keeps happening, the tensions between the two sides will never cease. There will always be people, no matter how much we try to explain, that will want tradition to prevail, and these unguided men are but fodder to them: To brainwash into doing their bidding, with empty promises and lies.

I don't mean to dehumanize people here, but if we deny the enemy ammo, they won't be able to use their guns, so to speak.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Reading words meant to make me better, they make me worse and pull me into a hole. Am I a porn addict? Why do I care? Why is there a 50 page guide on quitting porn, that ends on a freaking "semen saving" website? Why? WHY?

Why do I feel like everything I do is wrong? Everything is wrong, the way I sleep, the way I play, the way I fucking masturbate, the things I like...one word against me and I'm questioning my entire life! Why can't I have a modicum of confidence? Why do I need so much support. Why don't I feel anything when people help?

I don't wanna die. No, I wanna be happy in this life, I want to force myself to be happy. That's why I masturbate. Why, why does nothing else work? Why do I have to drug myself? Why am I even complaining, it feels great...unless people tell me I should stop.

Like a frail fortress on a muddy hill, any opposition will crumble me. I'm just a little idiot searching for a way to be happy forever and all I'm finding is porn. I wasted myself so much, and yet, if I didn't, would it matter? Why do I even care anymore, I just want to stop doing things and let myself rot in my bed. Shit myself, piss myself, until I just die. Or maybe not, maybe I think I just deserve the punishment.

Maybe that's why I still live. I want to punish myself, to leash my body until blood bleeds out. I deserve pain, I must learn to love it, to want it. It's the only way I can enjoy this life. Is that it? Maybe it's just what I feel, punishment and pain, and I'm trying desperately to transform it into pleasure. To rewire my brain to like my mediocre existence.

And yet, despite all that, I crave so much attention and love. I crave the soft smile, the firm hug. Like a crazy dual-minded freak, I want both, and neither, and yet I have it. Inside my mind palace, where everything Is in my control. I go there so much...it's so comfortable, so nice. The only place I feel good about.

Reality was a mistake.

So story time... I'm a recovering sex addict and that includes porn addiction. I have thought a lot about why I am the way I am and even went on some to self assess outside of my ego blocking me from analyzing every part of me.

Before I got with my current girlfriend of 5 months, I was hooking up with 4 or more partners a week and constantly spending money on getting milkshakes and going on dates, even you can even call them that. But the difference between going out and risking your health and being solitary in your self-soothing is that you are always within reach of your drug of choice. I STILL masturbate at least twice a day and then sleep with my partner.
Sex/pornography are genuine struggles that we as people need to overcome unfortunately, it's not just a matter of will... When you've done only one thing most of your life to self soothe you don't simply drop the coping mechanism overnight...
You replace one addiction with another until you actually develop other coping mechanisms...

I'm really glad that you were able to see that pornography is a genuine addiction for you.
But honestly, it has to be an addiction you to have to manage with your life. Unless you get blessed with ED and then have the self restraint to avoid bluechew or viagra.

Last year I had a breakdown and went to crisis intervention because I was going through a manic episode where I wasn't sleeping and I wasn't eating and I had slept with 'several' people that day and I was genuinely afraid of having a full on mental breakdown. Unfortunately... They had me leave with the good ol' "Hang in there buddy" and "Just work on those coping skills" lament.

TMI (READ THE FOLLOWING AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION) :
When you're a sensory seeker, you sometimes have to make peace with demons. Respectfully...
I chaffed until the skin was raw and peeled before... I had a broken hand before and still beat off. It's just a matter of how addicted you truly are.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

So story time... I'm a recovering sex addict and that includes porn addiction. I have thought a lot about why I am the way I am and even went on some to self assess outside of my ego blocking me from analyzing every part of me.

Before I got with my current girlfriend of 5 months, I was hooking up with 4 or more partners a week and constantly spending money on getting milkshakes and going on dates, even you can even call them that. But the difference between going out and risking your health and being solitary in your self-soothing is that you are always within reach of your drug of choice. I STILL masturbate at least twice a day and then sleep with my partner.
Sex/pornography are genuine struggles that we as people need to overcome unfortunately, it's not just a matter of will... When you've done only one thing most of your life to self soothe you don't simply drop the coping mechanism overnight...
You replace one addiction with another until you actually develop other coping mechanisms...

I'm really glad that you were able to see that pornography is a genuine addiction for you.
But honestly, it has to be an addiction you to have to manage with your life. Unless you get blessed with ED and then have the self restraint to avoid bluechew or viagra.

Last year I had a breakdown and went to crisis intervention because I was going through a manic episode where I wasn't sleeping and I wasn't eating and I had slept with 'several' people that day and I was genuinely afraid of having a full on mental breakdown. Unfortunately... They had me leave with the good ol' "Hang in there buddy" and "Just work on those coping skills" lament.

TMI (READ THE FOLLOWING AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION) :
When you're a sensory seeker, you sometimes have to make peace with demons. Respectfully...
I chaffed until the skin was raw and peeled before... I had a broken hand before and still beat off. It's just a matter of how addicted you truly are.

I don't think pornography addiction is a real thing, honestly. It's more that humans are always seeking connection with other humans, and sometimes that isn't possible, but that primal drive is still there, and there's no turning off. Some people may be able to distract themselves with other things, but some may not, and they have to live with it. We are social animals hard wired to connect and to procreate, and that is not going away.

Honestly, I do not look at much pornography anymore. I do masturbate daily but often to my own imagination rather than images. I find that more rewarding honestly, as I get more creative with time. (Even if just for making up erotica in my head hahaha.) I also have no access to any kind of sexual human touch (I'm a big fat virgin) and I also have no access to viagra or any sex-enhancing stuff (I do have a dildo, but I rarely use it, as I barely have any privacy in my home.)

That said, I thank you for your input. I may not agree with you, but your methods may be useful to others, and acknowledging difference is what makes us a community: Everyone here has their own motives, ways, likes and dislikes, and when we accept others we accept that being different is ok.

 

[SnowLeopard21]

Why do I feel like everything I do is wrong? Everything is wrong, the way I sleep, the way I play, the way I fucking masturbate, the things I like...one word against me and I'm questioning my entire life! Why can't I have a modicum of confidence? Why do I need so much support. Why don't I feel anything when people help?

It's advertising. Most of the internet as I grew up with it (and a fair few users here who at at least twice my age that were actually alive when it was invented) is just gone. Forums like these with direct community engagement are becoming more of a fixture of the past and being pushed aside in favor of websites that prioritize advertisement.
I think Banksy put it best with this quote:


Websites will tell you you're too fat. Your teeth aren't white enough, or perfectly straight. That curly hair is out and straight hair is in. That the only people who matter and are having fun are exactly not as you are, and it's a blatant lie. Don't get me wrong, there are people out there who will genuinely want to help you, but you need to be far more cautious now than ever before. If someone informs you of a problem, then offers you a solution that ends up in you being separated from your money, odds are you're being set up as a customer.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

It's advertising. Most of the internet as I grew up with it (and a fair few users here who at at least twice my age that were actually alive when it was invented) is just gone. Forums like these with direct community engagement are becoming more of a fixture of the past and being pushed aside in favor of websites that prioritize advertisement.
I think Banksy put it best with this quote:
View attachment 168645

Websites will tell you you're too fat. Your teeth aren't white enough, or perfectly straight. That curly hair is out and straight hair is in. That the only people who matter and are having fun are exactly not as you are, and it's a blatant lie. Don't get me wrong, there are people out there who will genuinely want to help you, but you need to be far more cautious now than ever before. If someone informs you of a problem, then offers you a solution that ends up in you being separated from your money, odds are you're being set up as a customer.

Ah yes I have no doubt that the world is becoming one big ad. I mostly use AdBlock, avoid watching anything with ads, and if it's inevitable, I pirate it.

It still creeps in and it's kind of impossible to flee from it all the time, but I do my best to spot and immediately shut down these things.

The fact that most of our wants are there because of advertising starts clicking when you just stop consuming them. Everything feels emptier, because it is, and our true needs are never really met fully, only enough so we need to buy more later.

Whenever I se an ad, I set my brain into hate mode: I channel every bad emotion I have into hating the ad, it's essence, vilifying it to no end. It's common procedure for me, and helps me get the opposite effect from an ad.

Thanks for your insight, leopard. Mama bear loves those who help their own.

 

[thereisnoneed]

porn might be bad and all that, but i don't see how can you stop without the alternative (a sexual partner) people use it to cope with their anxieties as well

 

[usernamesarehard]

porn might be bad and all that, but i don't see how can you stop without the alternative (a sexual partner)

Pretty much what I was going to say.

If you only feel bad about watching porn/ want to stop because other people say so, then just ignore them. I know that's definitely easier said than done for you. It sounds like you really struggle with letting other people's judgments dictate what you do/ what you think you should do.

But seriously, if you don't have a partner to have sex with then what's the harm in watching porn? One large reason guys believe in the whole semen retention stuff is because they believe it's blocking their ability to go out and meet women and have sex instead of watch porn. But if you genuinely can't get anyone to have sex with you, then what's the fucking point? To wallow in misery because you're pent up but have no where to release your sexual frustrations?

I'm a woman, so I don't really understand the male sex drive. But from what I've heard it's a lot higher and when you don't have sex/ masturbate all it does is make you think about sex almost ever hour of the day. Why would you subject yourself to that? I haven't watched porn in maybe 2 weeks? (as long as you don't count watching your own sex tape) at least and I have no intention on watching it anytime soon. It would depress me more than it would feel good and leave me feeling worse. Porn/toys/your hand isn't as good as sex. And without that human connection, I'd rather just not think about it at all. But I can do that because I'm a woman and I can with relative ease push down my sex drive to nothing and ignore it when it does come up.

Idk, I kinda wish there was a pill that made you asexual. This shit sucks.