Venting I just can't quit but I want to stop

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Reading words meant to make me better, they make me worse and pull me into a hole. Am I a porn addict? Why do I care? Why is there a 50 page guide on quitting porn, that ends on a freaking "semen saving" website? Why? WHY?

Why do I feel like everything I do is wrong? Everything is wrong, the way I sleep, the way I play, the way I fucking masturbate, the things I like...one word against me and I'm questioning my entire life! Why can't I have a modicum of confidence? Why do I need so much support. Why don't I feel anything when people help?

I don't wanna die. No, I wanna be happy in this life, I want to force myself to be happy. That's why I masturbate. Why, why does nothing else work? Why do I have to drug myself? Why am I even complaining, it feels great...unless people tell me I should stop.

Like a frail fortress on a muddy hill, any opposition will crumble me. I'm just a little idiot searching for a way to be happy forever and all I'm finding is porn. I wasted myself so much, and yet, if I didn't, would it matter? Why do I even care anymore, I just want to stop doing things and let myself rot in my bed. Shit myself, piss myself, until I just die. Or maybe not, maybe I think I just deserve the punishment.

Maybe that's why I still live. I want to punish myself, to leash my body until blood bleeds out. I deserve pain, I must learn to love it, to want it. It's the only way I can enjoy this life. Is that it? Maybe it's just what I feel, punishment and pain, and I'm trying desperately to transform it into pleasure. To rewire my brain to like my mediocre existence.

And yet, despite all that, I crave so much attention and love. I crave the soft smile, the firm hug. Like a crazy dual-minded freak, I want both, and neither, and yet I have it. Inside my mind palace, where everything Is in my control. I go there so much...it's so comfortable, so nice. The only place I feel good about.

Reality was a mistake.

 

[timf]

Porn, like gluttony, is an addictive state one comes to often amplified in isolation. There are natural drives that also have pleasant sensations which can be tempting to abuse.

Humans were never designed to live in isolation. Up until 100 years ago almost everyone in history around the planet had a family of 5-10 siblings and as many as 50-100 cousins. They usually got married in their teens to people they grew up with and knew each other deeply.

When technology provided the opportunity to escape small towns most did because that life could be confining. When technology provided the means to prevent children, most took advantage of it for the same reason, taking care of children is confining. As a result we now live in a world that is less confined and people have the freedom to do what they want.

This exposes a basic problem with humanity. We are selfish. We need and want others, but we push each other away. In the past early marriages and close family life would force many to abandon some of their natural selfishness so that they could at least get along if not be happy.

If you can add elements to your life that benefit others, such as volunteer work, you may begin to find you can also dial back on some consumptive habits. By cultivating a degree of selflessness, you can show a sincere interest in others that can make you attractive to others. Reality is so bad once one begins to learn some navigation skill.

 

[easypeasy]

You're not alone in any of this — not the pain, not the confusion, not the feeling that every part of you is somehow wrong. I don't think you're broken. I think you're exhausted from trying to fit your real, raw self into a world that keeps offering punishment where you're really just needing compassion.

You don't need to be fixed to be worthy. You don't need to scrub yourself clean of every desire, every craving, every habit, to earn gentleness or joy. It makes sense that porn feels like an escape — it offers something predictable, something that doesn't talk back or tell you you're too much. That's not weakness. That's your brain trying to survive.

And that image — the frail fortress on a muddy hill — that hit me. Because even that fortress still stands, doesn't it? Still trying. Still here. You're not a freak for wanting both punishment and affection. You're a person who's been hurt and is trying to feel something that doesn't burn. And even if it feels like all you've found is porn, look at you — you're still writing. Still reaching out. Still craving that soft smile and that firm hug.

I don't think reality was a mistake. I think it's just that no one taught us how to be in it with this much pain. But we can learn — one moment, one honest word at a time. You don't need to rot. You need rest. You don't need punishment. You need patience.

And you deserve love — not just in the mind palace, but here too. Even now.