I just can't get over how my ex treated me

[romeinjuly]

When we met, I was in the best place I had ever been in a long time.
I was more confident than I had ever been, I suddendly knew how to talk to people, I made strangers laugh, went clubbing, loved exercising, and I wasn't scared to put myself out there. I felt like it was easy to be liked by people and the future didn't scare me so much. I could feel the wheels of my life start turning in the right direction. I knew what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be and I kinda liked who I was, for the first time ever.

She was the icing on the cake, at the start. She made me feel beautiful, loved, she filled all the emptiness I had always carried inside me for my entire life.
Just being in her presence, hearing her voice or touching her felt heavenly.
Then she changed. I became insecure. My mental health started deteriorating again. I used her for emotional support and to vent.
I think I scared her. I told her when I self-harmed and that I wanted to die and I regret that more than anything. It wasn't fair of me to put all that weight on her. I should've protected her and I failed.

I isolated myself from the entire world to be with her because she was the only person who made me feel safe. But she started pushing me away. I could feel her become cold and distant. So I started panicking. I was terrified of losing her. I only made things worse.

I became paranoid that she wasn't attracted to me anymore, that I gained too much weight, that she didn't care about me and wouldn't wanna be with someone that unstable. I started fights, I made things turn so ugly between us and I hate myself for it.

She stopped putting the effort in. She wouldn't speak to me for hours, looked at me in disgust. I felt so humiliated.

Now I lost her and I lost everything. I dropped out of uni and now I'm going to watch my friends graduate and start their lives while I have nothing and I'm completely alone.

And what's worse is she hates me. She says that I'm not even allowed to text her, that she wants nothing to do with me.

I honestly can't stop thinking about her and I can't accept the way things ended. I don't even need us to stay friends I just need her not to hate me. It's like my worst fear realized

 

[Slow_Farewell]

It's gonna take a minute, but it's going to fade. I wont lie, it may not totally heal, and the way you described it is it's gonna leave a helluva scar..

There's really nothing you can do at this point to lessen what she feels about you, and that includes being hated (if she does hate you).
All you can do at this point is pick up what's left and if you want, hang on to a small, miniscule, mostly non-existent hope that your paths would cross again in the future and she feels differently then.

 

[romeinjuly]

It's gonna take a minute, but it's going to fade. I wont lie, it may not totally heal, and the way you described it is it's gonna leave a helluva scar..

There's really nothing you can do at this point to lessen what she feels about you, and that includes being hated (if she does hate you).
All you can do at this point is pick up what's left and if you want, hang on to a small, miniscule, mostly non-existent hope that your paths would cross again in the future and she feels differently then.

I know. I guess it just hurts so much to not even speak to someone that was your everything until a couple of months ago. It's so surreal.

 

[Ephemeron]

Very similar story to you.

I'm still not over her years later. It's crazy because she really didn't give a shit about me and ended up hating me, treating me like a disease or something. It's important to constantly tell yourself that she wasn't good for you. Nothing you could have done could have saved that relationship. If she loved you, she would have been by your side as you struggled.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

I know. I guess it just hurts so much to not even speak to someone that was your everything until a couple of months ago. It's so surreal.

It does, and that's not just the talking part.
The time spent with that person, regardless of what you're doing, is now an empty void.
example, if you guys were the type to ask each other "hey, have you had lunch?" isnt something you can do now. When that time of the day comes along, you cant do that anymore.
Next example would be if you guys shared your problems with one another. Even if you had someone else close by, it just doesnt feel the same, does it?
love..such a pain in the ass.

 

[CoffeeN]

Don't take it otherwise , u seem to have a low self esteem. How can u give control to anybody to make ur life more miserable. In short she made a ship for u to sail in the ocean and now it's broke. U have to learn to make ur own ship again , this time u will know how to repair it's parts if it is broken again .You are ur own master and slave , next time just dont allow crew mates to take the control . Can u get back into the uni , do some job ,improve ur health, those are ur problems, deal with it. Whenever u have thoughts about her cry and think for as long as the thought stays and then continue with ur work. The thoughts will come often and then one day barely u will remember her.

And before as u mentioned u were at ur best back then, well it wasnt u it was someone whom ur girl created. U gotta build urself again by urself.al the best
( I felt like a parent while writing this)

 

[SexyIncél]

When we met, I was in the best place I had ever been in a long time. [...] She was the icing on the cake, at the start. She made me feel beautiful, loved, she filled all the emptiness I had always carried inside me for my entire life.

There's a phenomenon where you start a relationship great — then your gf's a factor in turning you into a shell of the man you used to be. Vital to recover that strong, daring man. I know 2 people who discuss dynamics like this: Orion Taraban & Casey Zander

Short term, looks like you need to feel beautiful & loved. Note: you proved yourself beautiful & lovable. You won her. But getting the girl is one thing — keeping her is another. The huge error guys make is easing off once you have her, and doing crazy things like assuming she'll act decent & nurture you like you probably nurture her. No, keeping her is a completely different skillset

This drug of her affection is dangerous. Attachment = addiction. Better to be the adored, than the adorer — putting her on a pedestal trains her to look down on you

Disclaimer: there exist unicorns who don't act like this. Treat her well

It wasn't fair of me to put all that weight on her. I should've protected her and I failed. [...] And what's worse is she hates me. She says that I'm not even allowed to text her, that she wants nothing to do with me.

First off: in relationships, gals constantly ask me to help them deal with their intense-as-fuck emotions. When we're done, they feel cathartically better & understand their problems deeper. And I don't complain, unless there's a sociopathic character to their emotional demands. So I can tell you: in a fair world, you did nothing wrong

(I just ran that that paragraph by an ex. She agreed. So tada, I have the authority to declare this)

But we don't live in a fair world! Most women wouldn't return the same courtesy. Even black feminist bell hooks agrees:

"Most women do not want to deal with male pain if it interferes with the satisfaction of female desire. [...] When I was in my twenties, I would go to couples therapy, and my partner of more than ten years would explain how I asked him to talk about his feelings and when he did, I would freak out. He was right. It was hard for me to face that I did not want to hear about his feelings when they were painful or negative, that I did not want my image of the strong man truly challenged by learning of his weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Here I was, an enlightened feminist woman who did not want to hear my man speak his pain because it revealed his emotional vulnerability. It stands to reason, then, that the masses of women committed to the sexist principle that men who express their feelings are weak really do not want to hear men speak, especially if what they say is that they hurt, that they feel unloved."

— bell hooks, "The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity & Love"

There's a saying: Men see women, like women see children, and like children see animals. In this model, gals aren't expected to actually love you loyally. Imagine you're an employee — and you see your CEO break down in tears. Most employees would start freaking out, polishing their CVs!

This holds true for Brad DiCaprio, or Drake, or whoever. If Drake immediately simps for a woman at a club, asking her for a relationship — she'll start thinking she could do better than him!

 

[romeinjuly]

It does, and that's not just the talking part.
The time spent with that person, regardless of what you're doing, is now an empty void.
example, if you guys were the type to ask each other "hey, have you had lunch?" isnt something you can do now. When that time of the day comes along, you cant do that anymore.
Next example would be if you guys shared your problems with one another. Even if you had someone else close by, it just doesnt feel the same, does it?
love..such a pain in the ass.

Exactly. Everything you said.

There's a phenomenon where you start a relationship great — then your gf's a factor in turning you into a shell of the man you used to be. Vital to recover that strong, daring man. I know 2 people who discuss dynamics like this: Orion Taraban & Casey Zander

Short term, looks like you need to feel beautiful & loved. Note: you proved yourself beautiful & lovable. You won her. But getting the girl is one thing — keeping her is another. The huge error guys make is easing off once you have her, and doing crazy things like assuming she'll act decent & nurture you like you probably nurture her. No, keeping her is a completely different skillset

This drug of her affection is dangerous. Attachment = addiction. Better to be the adored, than the adorer — putting her on a pedestal trains her to look down on you

Disclaimer: there exist unicorns who don't act like this. Treat her well


First off: in relationships, gals constantly ask me to help them deal with their intense-as-fuck emotions. When we're done, they feel cathartically better & understand their problems deeper. And I don't complain, unless there's a sociopathic character to their emotional demands. So I can tell you: in a fair world, you did nothing wrong

(I just ran that that paragraph by an ex. She agreed. So tada, I have the authority to declare this)

But we don't live in a fair world! Most women wouldn't return the same courtesy. Even black feminist bell hooks agrees:


There's a saying: Men see women, like women see children, and like children see animals. In this model, gals aren't expected to actually love you loyally. Imagine you're an employee — and you see your CEO break down in tears. Most employees would start freaking out, polishing their CVs!

This holds true for Brad DiCaprio, or Drake, or whoever. If Drake immediately simps for a woman at a club, asking her for a relationship — she'll start thinking she could do better than him!

I mean I'm not going to lie some of what you wrote here made me think, especially that Bell Hooks quote. And you clearly put a lot of effort into this comment, so I appreciate that. However I am not a man, I am also a woman

 

[Erick]

When we met, I was in the best place I had ever been in a long time.
I was more confident than I had ever been, I suddendly knew how to talk to people, I made strangers laugh, went clubbing, loved exercising, and I wasn't scared to put myself out there. I felt like it was easy to be liked by people and the future didn't scare me so much. I could feel the wheels of my life start turning in the right direction. I knew what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be and I kinda liked who I was, for the first time ever.

She was the icing on the cake, at the start. She made me feel beautiful, loved, she filled all the emptiness I had always carried inside me for my entire life.
Just being in her presence, hearing her voice or touching her felt heavenly.
Then she changed. I became insecure. My mental health started deteriorating again. I used her for emotional support and to vent.
I think I scared her. I told her when I self-harmed and that I wanted to die and I regret that more than anything. It wasn't fair of me to put all that weight on her. I should've protected her and I failed.

I isolated myself from the entire world to be with her because she was the only person who made me feel safe. But she started pushing me away. I could feel her become cold and distant. So I started panicking. I was terrified of losing her. I only made things worse.

I became paranoid that she wasn't attracted to me anymore, that I gained too much weight, that she didn't care about me and wouldn't wanna be with someone that unstable. I started fights, I made things turn so ugly between us and I hate myself for it.

She stopped putting the effort in. She wouldn't speak to me for hours, looked at me in disgust. I felt so humiliated.

Now I lost her and I lost everything. I dropped out of uni and now I'm going to watch my friends graduate and start their lives while I have nothing and I'm completely alone.

And what's worse is she hates me. She says that I'm not even allowed to text her, that she wants nothing to do with me.

I honestly can't stop thinking about her and I can't accept the way things ended. I don't even need us to stay friends I just need her not to hate me. It's like my worst fear realized

You will forget her eventually. It won't hurt you forever. As long as you are healthy, there will always be hope for you.

 

[Adûnâi]

There's a saying: Men see women, like women see children, and like children see animals. In this model, gals aren't expected to actually love you loyally.

Wouldn't that qualify as misogyny? A stellar comment btw, you even mentioned your ex, but it only adds authority.

 

[SexyIncél]

I mean I'm not going to lie some of what you wrote here made me think, especially that Bell Hooks quote. And you clearly put a lot of effort into this comment, so I appreciate that. However I am not a man, I am also a woman

Oh god. *facepalm*. Thanks for telling me; hope my absurdity amused you! I hate how one little gender-change completely alters the analysis. Madness that the genders are so bio-culturally different

Although — I hear lesbian relationships are pretty turbulent, so maybe these dynamics still apply somehow?

Wouldn't that qualify as misogyny? A stellar comment btw, you even mentioned your ex, but it only adds authority.

Thanks for the kind words!

Yeah, I don't think it's misogyny, but opinions will differ. I'm the sorta fellow who takes valuable manosphere analyses of women — and re-roots them in radical feminist lit

Why? You can't effectively love someone unless you understand them fully — including the dark disturbing aspects. Allows me to go deeper than most ever will