i have to CTB in 1 day and i'm scared

[FF777]

how do i stop being so scared???..
i stopped paying rent on purpose (i could have kept paying if i wanted to) because i was planning on CTB soon so i figured why not get like the last month of rent for free?.. and so the landlord people went to court to get eviction rights, and on friday (2026-07-17) the sheriff put a notice on my door that i'm going to be forcefully evicted on tuesday morning (2026-07-21)..

even though this was part of the plan, it sucks now that i'm actually in this situation where i don't have the freedom to relax and choose exactly when i want to CTB.. i mean, i was prepared for it any way but it just seems so sudden.. i honestly thought i would have a little more time than this.. it's just like BAM you have to CTB in 3 days.. i don't even know if you can cancel the eviction at this point? but 1: i don't have the money now any way (i blew it on fun stuff since i figured i wouldn't need money soon), and 2: i really DO want to CTB, so i definitely don't want to continue in this life.. i've already been postponing my CTB for like a decade now, and my life has uncurable things like ear problems where i have to protect my ears all the time, and i had a stroke in 2020 that caused severe brain damage which is the worst thing that has ever happened in my life.. it is hard to concentrate or do things normally now and there is obviously no cure for brain damage and my brain has healed as much as it is going to by now.. oh yeah and i'm 44 years old *jazz music stops* and i know that seems like "middle-aged" but to me it seems super old.. i was always a person that never wanted to be old.. when i was a teenager i told my self i don't even want to live past age 30 but yet here i am at fracking 44 and a half years old..... on the road to 50..... no thank you!.. back in my day the only meme we had was big chungus, and we were thankful to have him..

... ANY WAY...... my main point is... and this is probably my SI (survival instinct) talking.... but CTB IS SUPER SCARY!!!!!!... oh yeah by the way my method is H2S (hydrogen sulfide)..

i know to you i just look like user number 29840724 on the SaSu forums that is panicking about CTB, but when it is actually YOU that is going to CTB it is SUPER SCARY.. i can't even mentally cope with this.. it feels like i'm on death row about to be executed and i'm panicking so much..

i know there was a thread mentioning that MDMA and ketamine help suppress your survival instinct so it is easier to mentally allow your self to CTB, but i am not a drug person at all so i don't have time or really desire to get or take any of that stuff.. I don't even drink alcohol.. But so, what are some ways to suppress SI?.. i think maybe being super sleepy might help? or maybe listening to some music.. but is there any thing else?..

and, i strongly believe in spirit world for the afterlife, so i believe i'll be fine and still conscious as a spirit after i'm there, so i'm not worried about my self after the fact.... it's just that leading up to doing it is incredibly scary..... i feel like i wish i had people with me or some one to CTB with me so it isn't so fracking scary..

HOW DO I STOPPED BEING SO SCARED?!?!?????? (but i still want to continue CTB.... even if i kicked the can down the road i would still run in to this day when i have to deal with this)..
it just seems so final....... this is the end of your entire physical existence..... that's a heavy concept for your mind to deal with doc.. i wish i could be one of the people on here that can just do it easily with out being scared to death.. or i wish i could just get randomly hit by a bus or some thing (does that still count as catching the bus?) so i don't have to sit here alone and scared and have to be the one to actually do this thing... because it seems so much realer and scarier when it is actually YOUR TURN to do it.. all the people on this forum that are in a better place now were brave (at least in this aspect) in my opinion.. i am not brave at all and i don't like doing difficult things like this.. i want the easy way out.. this does NOT seem easy to me.. i don't know how the heck to muster up all the nerve in the world to be able to do this.. it's so insanely hard to "just do it"..

and one thing that i think is sad on the SaSu forums is that it doesn't have enough users to where every one always gets lots of responses... it's too often when some one pours their feelings out and they some times don't get hardly any response except maybe like 1 heart reaction or some thing.. but by the way i'm not asking for tons of responses.. i know i yap tons and no one has time to read all my yap usually.. i think the only thing that would help me is having some one physically with me when i CTB..... but it's too late for that and i don't want to make things that complicated at the end here.. but so i think the thing that would really help me is knowing some how of how i can suppress my SI and calm me down some how to make it less stressful and nerve-racking to CTB here shortly.. i am going mentally nuts from all this stress!.. do you guys have any suggestions besides drugs?..

 

[ruhyytey5o86]

Thats tough, I have also kind of put my back against the wall trying to CTB so close to the end of my rental lease (so I may be actually be dealing something similar to this very soon, woops)

In the small possibility, and idk if you want to waste the last days dealing with bureaucracy, you could try to reach out to the rental folks and work out a payment plan (and hope they accept credit cards), or pawnshop some things. That might buy 1 more month at best.

Unfortunately, I have basically no plan of dealing with SI beyond using MDMA or Ketamine (which might be cheating tbh), but I have been thinking that I would do it at night when I'm nice and tired, and ready to go to bed. But I wouldn't wake from that sleep.

 

[Passenger4224]

I'm tired af and might have missed something. But yea CTB is terrifying. What is helping me personally is simply knowing how badly I want to die. I have generalized anxiety and when I'm anxious I can feel knots in my stomach to the point where I can't breathe. I'm so desperate to die that I'm willing to put up with any amount of fear and pain to get the hell out of here.

Maybe sharing my experience will help you, maybe it won't ... I know you wanted a response so I tried my best

I wish it was easier, CTB takes a lot of guts...

 

[FF777]

Thats tough

oh yeah so, to you and any one thinking about stopping paying rent because you will CTB soon.. i DO NOT recommend doing that.. i now regret doing that even though i don't want to cancel my CTB at this point.. but i would have rather had the freedom to relax and CTB when ever i want to instead of being forced in to it suddenly with out much notice, even though i was expecting it (the eviction notice) to happen at some point.. And i'm not even going to try to contact management/landlords because that is just kicking the can down the road and i'm already ready to CTB but it's just i need to power through the nerve to do it some how..

and the MDMA/ketamine does not count as cheating; CTB people need all the help they can get.. but yeah i noticed last night when i was getting sleepy that i felt like i didn't care as much about CTB a little.. so being super sleepy might help me.. i definitely don't think it would feel very good to wake up fully refreshed and wide awake and then instantly be like "time to CTB", you know?.. so i think being sleepy might be a good way to reduce survival instinct a little bit..

I have generalized anxiety

the problem with me is that i'm so goofy and silly all the time and in such a good mood all the time that it is hard for me to be depressed actually.. i know that seems like a paradox like "why are you CTB then?".. my life is being salvaging, but because of my weird/silly personality no matter how much worse my life gets i wouldn't actually ever feel emotionally depressed, i would just think "okay this is too much of a burden living like this and so i need to CTB".. and so my point is that quirk of my personality makes it hard to be depressed enough to make CTB easier for me.. and so i think that is why i'm panicking so much..

any way, thank you both.. i wish i could sit here on the forums 24 hours a day for years and years and shower every one with love and good vibes and help and encouragement.. all of the humans on this planet are just trying their best to find their own kind of happiness.. one thing that helps me a little is thinking about how i will feel AFTER the CTB is done.. but any way.. no matter how much i panic i'm going to force my self to be strong and power through this survival instinct.. i'll be on the flip side rocking it out soon.. you guys are epic..

 

[rest2love]

could i get to know you a little if you want someone to remember you?

 

[Set Real Goul]

well, actually going through with it is really hard. Last year, when I was ready to do it (by full suspension hanging), the first time I almost did it, I completely broke down and couldn't go through with it because of a hysterical panic.
On another "attempt," I used severe sleep deprivation (a little over 29 hours awake), and it actually helped - I don't know if it would help you - but after I had everything prepared for the hanging (I set up the noose and tested it), I didn't feel anything about it. However, my father came home much earlier than usual, at 3:33 p.m., even though he normally gets back around 8:00 p.m. I spent far too long working on my farewell note. I even considered going through with it while my father was home, but I didn't know how much noise it would make.
After that, I couldn't bring myself to choose another date, and I got drawn into philosophy instead, so I'm still here.
I hope this message is at least somewhat helpful to you
CTB is genuinely not easy

 

[FF777]

could i get to know you a little

it all started back in 1981......... hey, wake up!..... i can't believe you just fell asleep while i'm trying to yap up my whole life story!..

i'm basically every thing that makes a friend cool!.. i'm intelligent and funny and cool and helpful and but also it's like the core of my being is just this spirit that wants to play around.. i can be serious when i have to but i'm generally lighthearted..

i don't know how i got this old.. i just woke up one day and i'm 44 years old.. but even though every one hates getting old, i promise i hate it much more than most other people.. which is why i don't really act my age.. i feel like i would be this (can we use the R word here?) ridiculous even if i lived to like 99 years old.. and i DID used to have a cool group of friends i hung out with and we lived in a big house for several years together (including a girlfriend i had for 9 years) and it was a blast every day because we joked around and had inside jokes and played mario party and smash brothers together every day on the gamecube and wii and stuff.. but then eventually we kind of went our separate ways and also me and girlfriend got bored of each other and broke up (we still talked some times for a while but then drifted apart more and stopped talking)..

i have an anime girl for my profile picture because i'm kind of a weeb, but also i have gender dysphoria and i don't like being male.. i decided not to pursue any type of transgender path because i'm kind of a perfectionist and if i can't be a girl 100% then i'd rather just power through life being male like i was born as.. i was so depressed about it during teenage years that i was passively suicidal, but in my early 20s i got fairly used to being male and so i haven't been depressed about it since then even though i would still prefer to be female if i had to be reincarnated and able to choose.. oh by the way the girl is from an old anime called Jigoku Shoujo (Hell Girl).. she sends souls to heck to suffer for eternity (it's where my soul is headed too)..

all my family is mostly dead now, including my mom that just died 1.5 years ago at age 68.. she didn't take very good care of her health.. and so i've been lonely with no friends or family any more.. it feels like my life has jumped the shark and i shouldn't even be here any more.. but i have sensitive ears where i have to protect them all the time, and then brain damage from my 2020 stroke (a stroke i stupidly caused my self because i was doing some thing extremely stupid), and a few other problems, and they are problems that can't really be cured, and so it's just like it kind of dawned on me eventually that i really need to exit out of here.. it's getting too burdensome to keep trying to salvage this life, and i've had a tough life actually and i'm tired and i'm ready to take a break from this life, you know?..

for social interactions on the internet though i've always preferred chat rooms.. but it still just isn't the same as having real life friends.. but i'm sort of kind of autistic a little i think, and so but i'm fairly intelligent (although not as much as i was before the stroke and brain damage happened) and i always have a lot of thoughts floating around my big brain all the time, and so i tend to yap out huge paragraphs all the time to people like i'm doing now..

i had a youtube channel for a while that ended up only with like 100 subs.. i made skits.. some times using 2D animation, and other times skits that had me in them.. i felt like i could have been a fairly popular youtube person if i kept at it, but it was kind of difficult to keep trying to pump out stuff all the time and i'm kind of lazy.. one day i was in a kind of negative mood and decided to delete the whole channel which i later regretted because now i can't show any one any of my stuff i made with out manually sending them stuff..

my upbeat personality makes it hard for me to actually go through the motions of CTB but i'm going to power through it and do it any way some how here in like one more day.. it's really scary and stressing me out to the max.. but as for my beliefs, i'll be fine once i'm crossed over and in spirit world again.. i believe in spirit world, reincarnation (it's optional and not mandatory), NDEs, OBEs, astral projection, and that your desire (AKA will power) has a direct effect on reality..

i'm going to miss this life a lot, despite what it has become.. the longer you are in a life the more you kind of get attached to it, and so it becomes hard to just leave every thing all at once suddenly, you know?.. every person has a million stories they have experienced in their whole life.. and for all of this yap i've typed out, i hope that people know that there is a very real spirit here inside of me, a conscious soul in here experiencing things... feeling things... having to deal with struggles and go through stuff alone in my life some times with no one any more to be there with me to help me deal with all of this stuff.. but i guess all of these experiences that we are forced to go through some times is what shapes our souls and makes us strong some times.. but some times it hurts having to learn so many big lessons in your journey of life.. some times people just want an other soul in the world to understand what they have had to go through.. life doesn't come with an instruction manual, and we all just have to figure things out for our selves and learn our own lessons along the course of our soul's journey.. some times life gives you lessons that you aren't ready to handle yet but the universe doesn't care and foists them on to you any way.. we are all in this big universe of life together, just trying to figure things out and trying to find our own happiness.. i wish i could shine my love out to every other soul in the universe unconditionally, whether they deserve it or not.. infinite love for every one..

welp that's probably enough yap for now.. i hope you learned a few new totally awesome things about me!.. thanks for coming to my deadtalk..

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm sorry you're in the situation you are in. In the past I've wondered what it would be like if it were me in your shoes, and I not only considered ending my life but also setting fire to whatever place I'm renting or have bought if it had been a house (like if I bought a house and it got foreclosed or something, I could burn it to the ground as I die).

But even without being in that situation I've been so close to the edge of killing myself and I know how scary it truly can be. I don't know what to suggest to make things easier for you, I just know that I understand wanting to get out of this life but being afraid to do it.

 

[100memoryleaks]

i wish i knew the answer. i'm scared of living longer and i'm scared of not succeeding to ctb again. i'm scared to try again but i'm scared of not trying

 

[FF777]

fire

yeah but i have 2 neighbors on both sides of me that have been really nice to me, and there isn't tons of space between yards, so i don't really want them to have a burning house next to their's..

i'm scared of not succeeding to ctb again

i'll tell you a little bit more about my stroke.. it's really embarrassing though..
in 2020 i was super depressed one day and decided to just start beating the crap out of my heart, and it caused it to not be able to beat correctly for a while, and so my brain wasn't getting enough oxygen and so it started causing damage..

it was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life.. and it was so severe.. i couldn't even read chat room conversations any more.. i couldn't understand humor or jokes or memes when people showed them to me.. i had to ask my online chat friend what certain memes meant or why they were funny.. i was crying every day and i couldn't even do normal stuff any more..

over the months my brain started healing a little, but it was very slow.. i got headaches when trying to read chat room conversations for too long.. it took so much brain power and concentration for me to follow what people were talking about.. and it was very difficult for me to understand the context of things.. like if they showed me a screenshot of a person on reddit that was replying to an other person, i would have to think it through like: "okay this is my friend, showing me a screenshot, and it is an other person, and they are replying to an other person......... so what is even going on here?" and i would have to figure out what the intention was of my friend showing me the screenshot.. i had to figure out whether they were showing me some thing that was supposed to be funny or what.. i even had to have them explain garfield comics to me..

my brain kept healing for about a year, and then it plateaued and maybe healed slightly after that but not much....... and so even though my brain is a lot better than it was at first, it is still severely damaged and i can't concentrate well, i can't remember things as well, i make typoes a lot more often (i usually correct them before i post stuff), and i have dyslexia now, and coding/programming is a chore now when it used to be fun.. and i can't use big words easily like i used to be able to.. i was really sharp before the stroke..

i feel like i died in 2020 already.. i don't completely feel like the same capable person i was back then.. it really hurts to know that i will never be able to go back to being sharp and capable like i was before.. i know i probably seem relatively "normal" typing all this stuff to you now and every thing, but i promise i am not, and it sucks so much.. i was really hoping my brain would keep healing all the way back to normal but it must be too damaged to be able to make it back up that far..

you have to be careful with your brain and what you attempt.. think things through thoroughly first..

love and light..

 

[bagel12]

how do i stop being so scared???..
i stopped paying rent on purpose (i could have kept paying if i wanted to) because i was planning on CTB soon so i figured why not get like the last month of rent for free?.. and so the landlord people went to court to get eviction rights, and on friday (2026-07-17) the sheriff put a notice on my door that i'm going to be forcefully evicted on tuesday morning (2026-07-21)..

even though this was part of the plan, it sucks now that i'm actually in this situation where i don't have the freedom to relax and choose exactly when i want to CTB.. i mean, i was prepared for it any way but it just seems so sudden.. i honestly thought i would have a little more time than this.. it's just like BAM you have to CTB in 3 days.. i don't even know if you can cancel the eviction at this point? but 1: i don't have the money now any way (i blew it on fun stuff since i figured i wouldn't need money soon), and 2: i really DO want to CTB, so i definitely don't want to continue in this life.. i've already been postponing my CTB for like a decade now, and my life has uncurable things like ear problems where i have to protect my ears all the time, and i had a stroke in 2020 that caused severe brain damage which is the worst thing that has ever happened in my life.. it is hard to concentrate or do things normally now and there is obviously no cure for brain damage and my brain has healed as much as it is going to by now.. oh yeah and i'm 44 years old *jazz music stops* and i know that seems like "middle-aged" but to me it seems super old.. i was always a person that never wanted to be old.. when i was a teenager i told my self i don't even want to live past age 30 but yet here i am at fracking 44 and a half years old..... on the road to 50..... no thank you!.. back in my day the only meme we had was big chungus, and we were thankful to have him..

... ANY WAY...... my main point is... and this is probably my SI (survival instinct) talking.... but CTB IS SUPER SCARY!!!!!!... oh yeah by the way my method is H2S (hydrogen sulfide)..

i know to you i just look like user number 29840724 on the SaSu forums that is panicking about CTB, but when it is actually YOU that is going to CTB it is SUPER SCARY.. i can't even mentally cope with this.. it feels like i'm on death row about to be executed and i'm panicking so much..

i know there was a thread mentioning that MDMA and ketamine help suppress your survival instinct so it is easier to mentally allow your self to CTB, but i am not a drug person at all so i don't have time or really desire to get or take any of that stuff.. I don't even drink alcohol.. But so, what are some ways to suppress SI?.. i think maybe being super sleepy might help? or maybe listening to some music.. but is there any thing else?..

and, i strongly believe in spirit world for the afterlife, so i believe i'll be fine and still conscious as a spirit after i'm there, so i'm not worried about my self after the fact.... it's just that leading up to doing it is incredibly scary..... i feel like i wish i had people with me or some one to CTB with me so it isn't so fracking scary..

HOW DO I STOPPED BEING SO SCARED?!?!?????? (but i still want to continue CTB.... even if i kicked the can down the road i would still run in to this day when i have to deal with this)..
it just seems so final....... this is the end of your entire physical existence..... that's a heavy concept for your mind to deal with doc.. i wish i could be one of the people on here that can just do it easily with out being scared to death.. or i wish i could just get randomly hit by a bus or some thing (does that still count as catching the bus?) so i don't have to sit here alone and scared and have to be the one to actually do this thing... because it seems so much realer and scarier when it is actually YOUR TURN to do it.. all the people on this forum that are in a better place now were brave (at least in this aspect) in my opinion.. i am not brave at all and i don't like doing difficult things like this.. i want the easy way out.. this does NOT seem easy to me.. i don't know how the heck to muster up all the nerve in the world to be able to do this.. it's so insanely hard to "just do it"..

and one thing that i think is sad on the SaSu forums is that it doesn't have enough users to where every one always gets lots of responses... it's too often when some one pours their feelings out and they some times don't get hardly any response except maybe like 1 heart reaction or some thing.. but by the way i'm not asking for tons of responses.. i know i yap tons and no one has time to read all my yap usually.. i think the only thing that would help me is having some one physically with me when i CTB..... but it's too late for that and i don't want to make things that complicated at the end here.. but so i think the thing that would really help me is knowing some how of how i can suppress my SI and calm me down some how to make it less stressful and nerve-racking to CTB here shortly.. i am going mentally nuts from all this stress!.. do you guys have any suggestions besides drugs?..

my personal belief is that, if the concept of ctb feels scary or distressing, it means there is more for us to do and experience in life until we can rest peacefully. i believe that once we have done everything we needed or wanted to do, the end feels peaceful and inviting rather than scary. is there something unresolved in your life that you keep thinking of? anything that you've always wanted to do or experience?

if you need more time, that is okay. maybe it would be a good idea to pay the rent/set up a payment plan so that you have time to reflect. the extra stress of getting evicted is a lot for anyone to handle, and i think that this level of additional stress makes it difficult to achieve a peaceful exit. this is just my opinion of course, and i wish you peace no matter what you choose to do

 

[shibby]

not sure if ur still here but may you rest peacefully

 

[never mind me]

yeah but i have 2 neighbors on both sides of me that have been really nice to me, and there isn't tons of space between yards, so i don't really want them to have a burning house next to their's..

i'll tell you a little bit more about my stroke.. it's really embarrassing though..
in 2020 i was super depressed one day and decided to just start beating the crap out of my heart, and it caused it to not be able to beat correctly for a while, and so my brain wasn't getting enough oxygen and so it started causing damage..

it was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life.. and it was so severe.. i couldn't even read chat room conversations any more.. i couldn't understand humor or jokes or memes when people showed them to me.. i had to ask my online chat friend what certain memes meant or why they were funny.. i was crying every day and i couldn't even do normal stuff any more..

over the months my brain started healing a little, but it was very slow.. i got headaches when trying to read chat room conversations for too long.. it took so much brain power and concentration for me to follow what people were talking about.. and it was very difficult for me to understand the context of things.. like if they showed me a screenshot of a person on reddit that was replying to an other person, i would have to think it through like: "okay this is my friend, showing me a screenshot, and it is an other person, and they are replying to an other person......... so what is even going on here?" and i would have to figure out what the intention was of my friend showing me the screenshot.. i had to figure out whether they were showing me some thing that was supposed to be funny or what.. i even had to have them explain garfield comics to me..

my brain kept healing for about a year, and then it plateaued and maybe healed slightly after that but not much....... and so even though my brain is a lot better than it was at first, it is still severely damaged and i can't concentrate well, i can't remember things as well, i make typoes a lot more often (i usually correct them before i post stuff), and i have dyslexia now, and coding/programming is a chore now when it used to be fun.. and i can't use big words easily like i used to be able to.. i was really sharp before the stroke..

i feel like i died in 2020 already.. i don't completely feel like the same capable person i was back then.. it really hurts to know that i will never be able to go back to being sharp and capable like i was before.. i know i probably seem relatively "normal" typing all this stuff to you now and every thing, but i promise i am not, and it sucks so much.. i was really hoping my brain would keep healing all the way back to normal but it must be too damaged to be able to make it back up that far..

you have to be careful with your brain and what you attempt.. think things through thoroughly first..

love and light..

I can understand that it must be really scary, if you have no choice but to ctb. This situation sounds extremely stressful. I find the fact that I will probably need to ctb to escape my suffering extremely stressful even without the added stress of expecting to be evicted in a few days. Before I had again a place to live and was staying with friends it certainly added to my anxiety to possibly me soon left to sleep in the streets (although at this point I wasn't quite as convinced that I would need to ctb). I can also relate to missing life a lot in the way I wish to have the life back that I had previously before getting sick. Like you I also caused my sickness by stupid decisions (or at least aggravated it enough to become a long term problem). I don't really know what helps to reduce anxiety and SI before ctb. The only thing I could think of is drugs, but even with drugs I am not sure, if it helps so much. It just seems so very hard to deviate our natural tendeny of self-preservation. I hope you can find peace.

 

[rest2love]

it all started back in 1981......... hey, wake up!..... i can't believe you just fell asleep while i'm trying to yap up my whole life story!..

i'm basically every thing that makes a friend cool!.. i'm intelligent and funny and cool and helpful and but also it's like the core of my being is just this spirit that wants to play around.. i can be serious when i have to but i'm generally lighthearted..

i don't know how i got this old.. i just woke up one day and i'm 44 years old.. but even though every one hates getting old, i promise i hate it much more than most other people.. which is why i don't really act my age.. i feel like i would be this (can we use the R word here?) ridiculous even if i lived to like 99 years old.. and i DID used to have a cool group of friends i hung out with and we lived in a big house for several years together (including a girlfriend i had for 9 years) and it was a blast every day because we joked around and had inside jokes and played mario party and smash brothers together every day on the gamecube and wii and stuff.. but then eventually we kind of went our separate ways and also me and girlfriend got bored of each other and broke up (we still talked some times for a while but then drifted apart more and stopped talking)..

i have an anime girl for my profile picture because i'm kind of a weeb, but also i have gender dysphoria and i don't like being male.. i decided not to pursue any type of transgender path because i'm kind of a perfectionist and if i can't be a girl 100% then i'd rather just power through life being male like i was born as.. i was so depressed about it during teenage years that i was passively suicidal, but in my early 20s i got fairly used to being male and so i haven't been depressed about it since then even though i would still prefer to be female if i had to be reincarnated and able to choose.. oh by the way the girl is from an old anime called Jigoku Shoujo (Hell Girl).. she sends souls to heck to suffer for eternity (it's where my soul is headed too)..

all my family is mostly dead now, including my mom that just died 1.5 years ago at age 68.. she didn't take very good care of her health.. and so i've been lonely with no friends or family any more.. it feels like my life has jumped the shark and i shouldn't even be here any more.. but i have sensitive ears where i have to protect them all the time, and then brain damage from my 2020 stroke (a stroke i stupidly caused my self because i was doing some thing extremely stupid), and a few other problems, and they are problems that can't really be cured, and so it's just like it kind of dawned on me eventually that i really need to exit out of here.. it's getting too burdensome to keep trying to salvage this life, and i've had a tough life actually and i'm tired and i'm ready to take a break from this life, you know?..

for social interactions on the internet though i've always preferred chat rooms.. but it still just isn't the same as having real life friends.. but i'm sort of kind of autistic a little i think, and so but i'm fairly intelligent (although not as much as i was before the stroke and brain damage happened) and i always have a lot of thoughts floating around my big brain all the time, and so i tend to yap out huge paragraphs all the time to people like i'm doing now..

i had a youtube channel for a while that ended up only with like 100 subs.. i made skits.. some times using 2D animation, and other times skits that had me in them.. i felt like i could have been a fairly popular youtube person if i kept at it, but it was kind of difficult to keep trying to pump out stuff all the time and i'm kind of lazy.. one day i was in a kind of negative mood and decided to delete the whole channel which i later regretted because now i can't show any one any of my stuff i made with out manually sending them stuff..

my upbeat personality makes it hard for me to actually go through the motions of CTB but i'm going to power through it and do it any way some how here in like one more day.. it's really scary and stressing me out to the max.. but as for my beliefs, i'll be fine once i'm crossed over and in spirit world again.. i believe in spirit world, reincarnation (it's optional and not mandatory), NDEs, OBEs, astral projection, and that your desire (AKA will power) has a direct effect on reality..

i'm going to miss this life a lot, despite what it has become.. the longer you are in a life the more you kind of get attached to it, and so it becomes hard to just leave every thing all at once suddenly, you know?.. every person has a million stories they have experienced in their whole life.. and for all of this yap i've typed out, i hope that people know that there is a very real spirit here inside of me, a conscious soul in here experiencing things... feeling things... having to deal with struggles and go through stuff alone in my life some times with no one any more to be there with me to help me deal with all of this stuff.. but i guess all of these experiences that we are forced to go through some times is what shapes our souls and makes us strong some times.. but some times it hurts having to learn so many big lessons in your journey of life.. some times people just want an other soul in the world to understand what they have had to go through.. life doesn't come with an instruction manual, and we all just have to figure things out for our selves and learn our own lessons along the course of our soul's journey.. some times life gives you lessons that you aren't ready to handle yet but the universe doesn't care and foists them on to you any way.. we are all in this big universe of life together, just trying to figure things out and trying to find our own happiness.. i wish i could shine my love out to every other soul in the universe unconditionally, whether they deserve it or not.. infinite love for every one..

welp that's probably enough yap for now.. i hope you learned a few new totally awesome things about me!.. thanks for coming to my deadtalk..

would you possibly wanna keep going to you could have a somewhat successful transition?

 

[knowledgeseeking]

how do i stop being so scared???..
i stopped paying rent on purpose (i could have kept paying if i wanted to) because i was planning on CTB soon so i figured why not get like the last month of rent for free?.. and so the landlord people went to court to get eviction rights, and on friday (2026-07-17) the sheriff put a notice on my door that i'm going to be forcefully evicted on tuesday morning (2026-07-21)..

even though this was part of the plan, it sucks now that i'm actually in this situation where i don't have the freedom to relax and choose exactly when i want to CTB.. i mean, i was prepared for it any way but it just seems so sudden.. i honestly thought i would have a little more time than this.. it's just like BAM you have to CTB in 3 days.. i don't even know if you can cancel the eviction at this point? but 1: i don't have the money now any way (i blew it on fun stuff since i figured i wouldn't need money soon), and 2: i really DO want to CTB, so i definitely don't want to continue in this life.. i've already been postponing my CTB for like a decade now, and my life has uncurable things like ear problems where i have to protect my ears all the time, and i had a stroke in 2020 that caused severe brain damage which is the worst thing that has ever happened in my life.. it is hard to concentrate or do things normally now and there is obviously no cure for brain damage and my brain has healed as much as it is going to by now.. oh yeah and i'm 44 years old *jazz music stops* and i know that seems like "middle-aged" but to me it seems super old.. i was always a person that never wanted to be old.. when i was a teenager i told my self i don't even want to live past age 30 but yet here i am at fracking 44 and a half years old..... on the road to 50..... no thank you!.. back in my day the only meme we had was big chungus, and we were thankful to have him..

... ANY WAY...... my main point is... and this is probably my SI (survival instinct) talking.... but CTB IS SUPER SCARY!!!!!!... oh yeah by the way my method is H2S (hydrogen sulfide)..

i know to you i just look like user number 29840724 on the SaSu forums that is panicking about CTB, but when it is actually YOU that is going to CTB it is SUPER SCARY.. i can't even mentally cope with this.. it feels like i'm on death row about to be executed and i'm panicking so much..

i know there was a thread mentioning that MDMA and ketamine help suppress your survival instinct so it is easier to mentally allow your self to CTB, but i am not a drug person at all so i don't have time or really desire to get or take any of that stuff.. I don't even drink alcohol.. But so, what are some ways to suppress SI?.. i think maybe being super sleepy might help? or maybe listening to some music.. but is there any thing else?..

and, i strongly believe in spirit world for the afterlife, so i believe i'll be fine and still conscious as a spirit after i'm there, so i'm not worried about my self after the fact.... it's just that leading up to doing it is incredibly scary..... i feel like i wish i had people with me or some one to CTB with me so it isn't so fracking scary..

HOW DO I STOPPED BEING SO SCARED?!?!?????? (but i still want to continue CTB.... even if i kicked the can down the road i would still run in to this day when i have to deal with this)..
it just seems so final....... this is the end of your entire physical existence..... that's a heavy concept for your mind to deal with doc.. i wish i could be one of the people on here that can just do it easily with out being scared to death.. or i wish i could just get randomly hit by a bus or some thing (does that still count as catching the bus?) so i don't have to sit here alone and scared and have to be the one to actually do this thing... because it seems so much realer and scarier when it is actually YOUR TURN to do it.. all the people on this forum that are in a better place now were brave (at least in this aspect) in my opinion.. i am not brave at all and i don't like doing difficult things like this.. i want the easy way out.. this does NOT seem easy to me.. i don't know how the heck to muster up all the nerve in the world to be able to do this.. it's so insanely hard to "just do it"..

and one thing that i think is sad on the SaSu forums is that it doesn't have enough users to where every one always gets lots of responses... it's too often when some one pours their feelings out and they some times don't get hardly any response except maybe like 1 heart reaction or some thing.. but by the way i'm not asking for tons of responses.. i know i yap tons and no one has time to read all my yap usually.. i think the only thing that would help me is having some one physically with me when i CTB..... but it's too late for that and i don't want to make things that complicated at the end here.. but so i think the thing that would really help me is knowing some how of how i can suppress my SI and calm me down some how to make it less stressful and nerve-racking to CTB here shortly.. i am going mentally nuts from all this stress!.. do you guys have any suggestions besides drugs?..

Since you wrote this yesterday I assume today is the day. We are in the same boat. Tonight I will CTB. I am scared and nervous too. What has helped me is keeping busy. I've been organizing my stuff, cleaning, polishing letters and even talking to AI. I don't think there is a way to stop the fear. The best thing I can think of is distraction.

On a different note, if this is something you are changing your mind about that is ok. You can change your mind and this option will always be here for you later. I have spent time today trying to figure my own fear/anxiety and I figured out what they are for me. In my case I am going to continue with my plan but it's ok if you delay or completely change your mind.

Since we are both in the same place, I would down to talk if you want to DM.

 

[Live_Life55]

Since you wrote this yesterday I assume today is the day. We are in the same boat. Tonight I will CTB. I am scared and nervous too. What has helped me is keeping busy. I've been organizing my stuff, cleaning, polishing letters and even talking to AI. I don't think there is a way to stop the fear. The best thing I can think of is distraction.

On a different note, if this is something you are changing your mind about that is ok. You can change your mind and this option will always be here for you later. I have spent time today trying to figure my own fear/anxiety and I figured out what they are for me. In my case I am going to continue with my plan but it's ok if you delay or completely change your mind.

Since we are both in the same place, I would down to talk if you want to DM.

Since you wrote this yesterday I assume today is the day. We are in the same boat. Tonight I will CTB. I am scared and nervous too. What has helped me is keeping busy. I've been organizing my stuff, cleaning, polishing letters and even talking to AI. I don't think there is a way to stop the fear. The best thing I can think of is distraction.

On a different note, if this is something you are changing your mind about that is ok. You can change your mind and this option will always be here for you later. I have spent time today trying to figure my own fear/anxiety and I figured out what they are for me. In my case I am going to continue with my plan but it's ok if you delay or completely change your mind.

Since we are both in the same place, I would down to talk if you want to DM.

What method you using?

 

[ruhyytey5o86]

What method you using?

oh yeah by the way my method is H2S (hydrogen sulfide)

 

[Live_Life55]

how do i stop being so scared???..
i stopped paying rent on purpose (i could have kept paying if i wanted to) because i was planning on CTB soon so i figured why not get like the last month of rent for free?.. and so the landlord people went to court to get eviction rights, and on friday (2026-07-17) the sheriff put a notice on my door that i'm going to be forcefully evicted on tuesday morning (2026-07-21)..

even though this was part of the plan, it sucks now that i'm actually in this situation where i don't have the freedom to relax and choose exactly when i want to CTB.. i mean, i was prepared for it any way but it just seems so sudden.. i honestly thought i would have a little more time than this.. it's just like BAM you have to CTB in 3 days.. i don't even know if you can cancel the eviction at this point? but 1: i don't have the money now any way (i blew it on fun stuff since i figured i wouldn't need money soon), and 2: i really DO want to CTB, so i definitely don't want to continue in this life.. i've already been postponing my CTB for like a decade now, and my life has uncurable things like ear problems where i have to protect my ears all the time, and i had a stroke in 2020 that caused severe brain damage which is the worst thing that has ever happened in my life.. it is hard to concentrate or do things normally now and there is obviously no cure for brain damage and my brain has healed as much as it is going to by now.. oh yeah and i'm 44 years old *jazz music stops* and i know that seems like "middle-aged" but to me it seems super old.. i was always a person that never wanted to be old.. when i was a teenager i told my self i don't even want to live past age 30 but yet here i am at fracking 44 and a half years old..... on the road to 50..... no thank you!.. back in my day the only meme we had was big chungus, and we were thankful to have him..

... ANY WAY...... my main point is... and this is probably my SI (survival instinct) talking.... but CTB IS SUPER SCARY!!!!!!... oh yeah by the way my method is H2S (hydrogen sulfide)..

i know to you i just look like user number 29840724 on the SaSu forums that is panicking about CTB, but when it is actually YOU that is going to CTB it is SUPER SCARY.. i can't even mentally cope with this.. it feels like i'm on death row about to be executed and i'm panicking so much..

i know there was a thread mentioning that MDMA and ketamine help suppress your survival instinct so it is easier to mentally allow your self to CTB, but i am not a drug person at all so i don't have time or really desire to get or take any of that stuff.. I don't even drink alcohol.. But so, what are some ways to suppress SI?.. i think maybe being super sleepy might help? or maybe listening to some music.. but is there any thing else?..

and, i strongly believe in spirit world for the afterlife, so i believe i'll be fine and still conscious as a spirit after i'm there, so i'm not worried about my self after the fact.... it's just that leading up to doing it is incredibly scary..... i feel like i wish i had people with me or some one to CTB with me so it isn't so fracking scary..

HOW DO I STOPPED BEING SO SCARED?!?!?????? (but i still want to continue CTB.... even if i kicked the can down the road i would still run in to this day when i have to deal with this)..
it just seems so final....... this is the end of your entire physical existence..... that's a heavy concept for your mind to deal with doc.. i wish i could be one of the people on here that can just do it easily with out being scared to death.. or i wish i could just get randomly hit by a bus or some thing (does that still count as catching the bus?) so i don't have to sit here alone and scared and have to be the one to actually do this thing... because it seems so much realer and scarier when it is actually YOUR TURN to do it.. all the people on this forum that are in a better place now were brave (at least in this aspect) in my opinion.. i am not brave at all and i don't like doing difficult things like this.. i want the easy way out.. this does NOT seem easy to me.. i don't know how the heck to muster up all the nerve in the world to be able to do this.. it's so insanely hard to "just do it"..

and one thing that i think is sad on the SaSu forums is that it doesn't have enough users to where every one always gets lots of responses... it's too often when some one pours their feelings out and they some times don't get hardly any response except maybe like 1 heart reaction or some thing.. but by the way i'm not asking for tons of responses.. i know i yap tons and no one has time to read all my yap usually.. i think the only thing that would help me is having some one physically with me when i CTB..... but it's too late for that and i don't want to make things that complicated at the end here.. but so i think the thing that would really help me is knowing some how of how i can suppress my SI and calm me down some how to make it less stressful and nerve-racking to CTB here shortly.. i am going mentally nuts from all this stress!.. do you guys have any suggestions besides drugs?..

Honestly I don't have any suggestions. It's naturally terrifying but one needs to make the decision based on the level of suffering they are enduring

For me, I have severe nervous system injury from narcissist abuse trauma and CPTSD. Could barely sleep at all and was given Ativan to help. Well it's caused more damage to an already damaged nervous system. Now I'm suffering with intense pain in my legs and arms and severe akasthia. Every single second of every day is torture and torment. Pure hell. Indescribable agony.

Even so, I still find it extremely difficult to CTB. I genuinely care about those around me and don't want them hurt which I know my S would destroy their lives. I'm stuck and have no idea what to do. I'm praying for stage 4 cancer or a heart attack. But we all know those happen to people that want to live.

Sorry I don't have better advice.

 

[wofnsdf]

could i get to know you a little if you want someone to remember you?

that was rly nice of you.

 

[knowledgeseeking]

What method you using?

I was able to get an equine tranquilizer. It's 80-100 times more potent than xylazine and I will inject 3mls IV.

 

[Live_Life55]

I was able to get an equine tranquilizer. It's 80-100 times more potent than xylazine and I will inject 3mls IV.

Sounds like some strong stuff I never heard of it

 

[knowledgeseeking]

Sounds like some strong stuff I never heard of it

I came into due to luck. Had a friend that had it out to do come work on his horses and was able to grab a syringe and pull a few mls out. .5 is enough to sedate a 500 lbs horse. My biggest worry is not being able to get it all in before I pass out.

 

[FF777]

feels peaceful and inviting rather than scary

i think because of my weird personality where i always want to silly and lighthearted and positive or what ever causes me to not really feel emotionally depressed no matter what (except some rare times).. and so all the problems in my life don't seem to make me feel depression like they would a normal person, it's more like they are burdens and just really annoying me all the time because they are things i always have to deal with, and it drives me crazy after a while and my soul is getting tired.. but even with all of this stuff making my life unsalvagable i'm still joking around and having fun with people online and stuff..

so but it's like, i think even if i were 99 years old and had terminal super cancer and in a wheelchair i still wouldn't feel very depressed because i just kind of reject that feeling because i don't like feeling it.. but so, i still don't like being annoyed by all the problems..

so but this weird quirk in my personality ends up making it extra difficult for me to just be like..... going from my normal playful self to suddenly being like "la la laa...... welp time to CTB now".....

i could technically keep trying longer but i'm so tired of it all.. i've done enough.. 44 is grandpa age for me.. but yeah i think you are exactly right for most people in most cases.. if some one really feels depressed and at a dead end with every thing then i guess that should probably make it easier for them if they decide to try and CTB..

successful transition?

transition to what? are you talking about the gender dysphoria?.. i'm fine with being male now and have been for a long time, even though if i had to choose over again i'd be female..

a way to stop the fear

i think me and some other person kind of concluded that (besides drugs) making your self sleepy seems to help.. if you can stay up a long time and be really sleepy it sort of seems to help you not care about CTB i think..

i don't really want to change my mind, although i might have rounded down a little in my date because i'm not sure when exactly i'm going to CTB in the time i have left, so maybe it would have been more accurate to say 2 days, but now there is 1 day left i guess..

you don't have to DM me unless you want to.. i'm probably going to spend the last several hours talking to my only online friend i have, and making sure i have every thing ready and probably i'll be panicking too.. so not sure if i will be here except i'll probably post one last message here maybe and then every one can cry for me and post infinite heart reactions and stuff, as is tradition..

but i wish you love and every thing for what ever you are planning on doing tonight, if you really must..

I'm stuck and have no idea what to do.

that's one of the horrible things about life when you get to a place where you feel like life isn't worth it any more..... is that you have all of these attachments to other people and so CTB means that you have to hurt all of those people, so it's quite a dilemma that a lot of people have to navigate through... A game of: Do you prioritize your self or others? and some times the evil universe tests you to see how much suffering you are willing to handle before you give in..

i'm lucky i don't have any kids because then i really couldn't leave yet.. but i don't have any siblings and now both of my parents are gone, so it's like at least there is no one to really miss me now.. but yeah your situation sounds pretty severe..

 

[Live_Life55]

i think because of my weird personality where i always want to silly and lighthearted and positive or what ever causes me to not really feel emotionally depressed no matter what (except some rare times).. and so all the problems in my life don't seem to make me feel depression like they would a normal person, it's more like they are burdens and just really annoying me all the time because they are things i always have to deal with, and it drives me crazy after a while and my soul is getting tired.. but even with all of this stuff making my life unsalvagable i'm still joking around and having fun with people online and stuff..

so but it's like, i think even if i were 99 years old and had terminal super cancer and in a wheelchair i still wouldn't feel very depressed because i just kind of reject that feeling because i don't like feeling it.. but so, i still don't like being annoyed by all the problems..

so but this weird quirk in my personality ends up making it extra difficult for me to just be like..... going from my normal playful self to suddenly being like "la la laa...... welp time to CTB now".....

i could technically keep trying longer but i'm so tired of it all.. i've done enough.. 44 is grandpa age for me.. but yeah i think you are exactly right for most people in most cases.. if some one really feels depressed and at a dead end with every thing then i guess that should probably make it easier for them if they decide to try and CTB..

transition to what? are you talking about the gender dysphoria?.. i'm fine with being male now and have been for a long time, even though if i had to choose over again i'd be female..

i think me and some other person kind of concluded that (besides drugs) making your self sleepy seems to help.. if you can stay up a long time and be really sleepy it sort of seems to help you not care about CTB i think..

i don't really want to change my mind, although i might have rounded down a little in my date because i'm not sure when exactly i'm going to CTB in the time i have left, so maybe it would have been more accurate to say 2 days, but now there is 1 day left i guess..

you don't have to DM me unless you want to.. i'm probably going to spend the last several hours talking to my only online friend i have, and making sure i have every thing ready and probably i'll be panicking too.. so not sure if i will be here except i'll probably post one last message here maybe and then every one can cry for me and post infinite heart reactions and stuff, as is tradition..

but i wish you love and every thing for what ever you are planning on doing tonight, if you really must..

that's one of the horrible things about life when you get to a place where you feel like life isn't worth it any more..... is that you have all of these attachments to other people and so CTB means that you have to hurt all of those people, so it's quite a dilemma that a lot of people have to navigate through... A game of: Do you prioritize your self or others? and some times the evil universe tests you to see how much suffering you are willing to handle before you give in..

i'm lucky i don't have any kids because then i really couldn't leave yet.. but i don't have any siblings and now both of my parents are gone, so it's like at least there is no one to really miss me now.. but yeah your situation sounds pretty severe..

Wishing you a peaceful transition

 

[FF777]

Wishing you a peaceful transition

wait, is that what rest2love was talking about when they used the word transition??.. i was trying to understand what they were trying to say.. i guess i haven't been lurking in this place long enough to realize transition means CTB i guess.. and me being kind of autistic a little makes it where people kind of have to spell things out for me for me to get what they are saying exactly..

transition

okay so if you mean CTB then, either way (whether i have to hurry or can relax) my CTB method should be successful since it is H2S and that is pretty hard to mess up i think..

 

[rest2love]

wait, is that what rest2love was talking about when they used the word transition??.. i was trying to understand what they were trying to say.. i guess i haven't been lurking in this place long enough to realize transition means CTB i guess.. and me being kind of autistic a little makes it where people kind of have to spell things out for me for me to get what they are saying exactly..


okay so if you mean CTB then, either way (whether i have to hurry or can relax) my CTB method should be successful since it is H2S and that is pretty hard to mess up i think..

No I meant like if you could transition to be a woman would you be happy? Are you still set on dying today?

 

[FF777]

No I meant like if you could transition to be a woman would you be happy? Are you still set on dying today?

i'd still have too many other problems that can't be solved.. i'm fairly used to being male now any way so it doesn't cause me depression like it used to in my teenage years..
i think i'm actually able to wait 1 more day before i absolutely have to CTB.. it is still nerve-racking and i have no idea how i'm going to muster up the courage to do it still.. this feels so unnatural and i hate having to do this alone.. i wish i could have tons of people with me while i do it, like a big CTB cult.. that would be comfy..