forsaken_fallacy_12
Member
- Mar 12, 2023
- 7
i don't know if this counts as a vent or not, but it's 2 am here, and im really just marveling at how deeply i am steeped in my lack of desire to live and how ironic it is that continuing to live is considered the end-all-be-all right decision when there's so few reasons to even do it.
pretty much every day, i find another reason to kill myself. i have tried to in the past, but i'm truly dumbfounded at how i'm yet to do it. my country (and the world overall, really) is getting worse and worse every day, growing more hateful and harmful and cartoonishly evil to everyone and everything. i feel like i've fucked up my future because of my grades. i don't want to have a future because the cycle of life and work is so bleak and sisyphean i'd rather not experience it at all. i have not reached a single goal i have made for myself in this life. my friends wouldn't have to deal with my stupid mistakes of crossing their boundaries or pissing them off. my parents would finally be rid of the burden that i am, being able to save energy on beating me and yelling at me for constantly being an overall failure. the list goes on. everyone in this forum has their own reason for being here-- my following point still applies.
how come most every reason i have ever been given not to kill myself has been antiquated, superficial stuff like "life is a gift and you shouldn't throw it away" or "in the end, you'll always have the ability to try and try again, and that's why life is important"? i never asked for life. i never wanted it. calling it a "gift" is rich-- gifts are given out of kindness, and you don't force kindness down someone's throat. gifts shouldn't hurt the receiver of the gift to the point they want to destroy it completely. it's not a matter of simply disliking the gift and wanting to do away with it; the gift is the very thing causing every single problem, and its disappearance would be a swift and easy solution to it all. and why should the quality of being able to devote one's whole being to something and fail miserably only to get caught up in another hopeless dream to be crushed, forming a vicious and excruciating cycle increase something's importance? why deal with the grief, the misery, the embarrassment of it at all when you can simply just not? you don't feel regret when you are dead. there is no pain. if you left something unfinished, it's not something you'll ever worry about if you are not alive. you will never think about it again because there will stop being a you to think about anything at all. we only worry about losing our lives when we are yet to lose them-- we quite literally will not care about our deaths once we have actually died. the living world only matters to people living in it.
pretty much every day, i find another reason to kill myself. i have tried to in the past, but i'm truly dumbfounded at how i'm yet to do it. my country (and the world overall, really) is getting worse and worse every day, growing more hateful and harmful and cartoonishly evil to everyone and everything. i feel like i've fucked up my future because of my grades. i don't want to have a future because the cycle of life and work is so bleak and sisyphean i'd rather not experience it at all. i have not reached a single goal i have made for myself in this life. my friends wouldn't have to deal with my stupid mistakes of crossing their boundaries or pissing them off. my parents would finally be rid of the burden that i am, being able to save energy on beating me and yelling at me for constantly being an overall failure. the list goes on. everyone in this forum has their own reason for being here-- my following point still applies.
how come most every reason i have ever been given not to kill myself has been antiquated, superficial stuff like "life is a gift and you shouldn't throw it away" or "in the end, you'll always have the ability to try and try again, and that's why life is important"? i never asked for life. i never wanted it. calling it a "gift" is rich-- gifts are given out of kindness, and you don't force kindness down someone's throat. gifts shouldn't hurt the receiver of the gift to the point they want to destroy it completely. it's not a matter of simply disliking the gift and wanting to do away with it; the gift is the very thing causing every single problem, and its disappearance would be a swift and easy solution to it all. and why should the quality of being able to devote one's whole being to something and fail miserably only to get caught up in another hopeless dream to be crushed, forming a vicious and excruciating cycle increase something's importance? why deal with the grief, the misery, the embarrassment of it at all when you can simply just not? you don't feel regret when you are dead. there is no pain. if you left something unfinished, it's not something you'll ever worry about if you are not alive. you will never think about it again because there will stop being a you to think about anything at all. we only worry about losing our lives when we are yet to lose them-- we quite literally will not care about our deaths once we have actually died. the living world only matters to people living in it.
