Help I have no identity and I feel lost (how do I rediscover myself?)

[cptsdfugue]

This is a problem that I've only recognized recently.

I've never really attributed any of my struggles to it, but the more I think about it the more it makes sense that I've been lost: a huge crucial part of my problems come from the fact I have *zero* identity. From a young age, I've just been told that I'm a liar, I'm a terrible person, I'm ugly and I'm unworthy, and I've carried this lesson into adulthood... for a long time, I tried so, so many different hobbies because I wanted to get praised for them, and praise would help build up an identity for me... and no matter what identity I try to latch onto, it just... all feels fake. My label of being lesbian. My label of being non-binary. My label of being a writer. My label of being an artist. All of it feels fake, because I'm never "enough." I can't ever verify if what I feel is the truth, so I rely on others to discern what's real and what's not for me. Without an identity, I am nothing. And if I am nothing... then I am just empty. Without purpose.

I'm just sick and tired of feeling this way, having my self worth, my identity depend on others, but still stuck because I have no identity... I'm trying to find what I like, but I really don't have motivation for much besides video games. The most I can say about myself is that I like video games, I like collecting trinkets, I can list off all of my diagnoses, then I can list off all of the negative qualities my dad prescribed to me (and I ended up prescribing to myself) when I was younger. Other than that I don't know who I am. And these "I like video games and trinkets" wasn't even from me, it was from my friends who said that I liked them, so... I didn't even choose that identity for myself... I just hold onto the labels of what disorders I have to help me figure out the world, it's so difficult when something like BPD is the only thing you have in your life...

Has anyone had a similar problem? Any suggestions on how to begin exploring and finding my identity?

 

[NZkiwi]

Has anyone had a similar problem? Any suggestions on how to begin exploring and finding my identity?

Being in your 20s suck cause you have to figure who you are, from scratch.

I personally found out more about how I work when I went solo travelling, maybe something to consider if you have the means and will to do so.

You might get broke, but you get great stories.

A lot of people backpacking through asia started off quiet and slowly blossomed into beautiful characters.
**

It's nice having the space to figure out who you are without the familair anchors that tie you to your old identity

 

[cptsdfugue]

Being in your 20s suck cause you have to figure who you are, from scratch.

I personally found out more about how I work when I went solo travelling, maybe something to consider if you have the means and will to do so.

You might get broke, but you get great stories.

A lot of people backpacking through asia started off quiet and slowly blossomed into beautiful characters.
**

It's nice having the space to figure out who you are without the familair anchors that tie you to your old identity

I'm a college student - about to be a sophomore. Do you think there's a way I could apply this while being in college...? I think it sounds like a nice idea, but really I just feel lost at college since it seems like everyone's already formed their own friend groups and my... friends have already left me, really... they're all going to the same housing that I got rejected from, they know who they are
I've heard that college is a time to rediscover yourself and to make a new future, but so far I just feel empty

 

[xXiloveyouXx]

This is a problem that I've only recognized recently.

I've never really attributed any of my struggles to it, but the more I think about it the more it makes sense that I've been lost: a huge crucial part of my problems come from the fact I have *zero* identity. From a young age, I've just been told that I'm a liar, I'm a terrible person, I'm ugly and I'm unworthy, and I've carried this lesson into adulthood... for a long time, I tried so, so many different hobbies because I wanted to get praised for them, and praise would help build up an identity for me... and no matter what identity I try to latch onto, it just... all feels fake. My label of being lesbian. My label of being non-binary. My label of being a writer. My label of being an artist. All of it feels fake, because I'm never "enough." I can't ever verify if what I feel is the truth, so I rely on others to discern what's real and what's not for me. Without an identity, I am nothing. And if I am nothing... then I am just empty. Without purpose.

I'm just sick and tired of feeling this way, having my self worth, my identity depend on others, but still stuck because I have no identity... I'm trying to find what I like, but I really don't have motivation for much besides video games. The most I can say about myself is that I like video games, I like collecting trinkets, I can list off all of my diagnoses, then I can list off all of the negative qualities my dad prescribed to me (and I ended up prescribing to myself) when I was younger. Other than that I don't know who I am. And these "I like video games and trinkets" wasn't even from me, it was from my friends who said that I liked them, so... I didn't even choose that identity for myself... I just hold onto the labels of what disorders I have to help me figure out the world, it's so difficult when something like BPD is the only thing you have in your life...

Has anyone had a similar problem? Any suggestions on how to begin exploring and finding my identity?

to give it to you straight, they may have mistreated you but there's a fundamental kernel of truth at the heart of your crisis: there is no such thing as identity. It's a big hoax invented by capitalism to encircle you into marketable demographics which can have products advertised at them. and their goal goes beyond just this: the culture and media shape your understanding of your own identity, and then they sell you things which affirm how you have come to view yourself. think of a veteran who has veteran themed stickers on his car, moms with those extremely specific redbubble t-shirts which declare on them to the world that they are a mother. it's all just illusions.

you will be much more "yourself" when you simply live, act, and do things first instead of having the expectations of identity and building an identity (AKA a personal brand) leading you around like a carrot on a string.

we are nothing. we are all literally nothing. the total emptiness of all things is one of the fundamental pillars of buddhism. in recognizing this emptiness you can ironically wind up being more authentic to yourself and come to enjoy life more. just get out and do things, try everything you can, but let none of it define who you are. you and I and everyone else are just water sloshing around in the ocean. i love you

 

[NZkiwi]

I'm a college student - about to be a sophomore. Do you think there's a way I could apply this while being in college...? I think it sounds like a nice idea, but really I just feel lost at college since it seems like everyone's already formed their own friend groups and my... friends have already left me, really... they're all going to the same housing that I got rejected from, they know who they are
I've heard that college is a time to rediscover yourself and to make a new future, but so far I just feel empty

I take from the lingo you're from the states? Not sure how it works there (unless it's like the movies lol)


Do you have summer vacation? Or could you take a semester off uni?

I had quite a long degree, so I took a gap year half way through and went travelling (my mental health deteriated so this was helpful)
I worked jobs during university, saved up and traveled during summer, lot's of road trips


Do you live at at univsity housing? Lots of events through there.
If you live at home, like many of my friends, consider joining a club and just showing up. You'll naturally make friends if you just turn up consisently every week.

It's much harder making friends as an adult post university.


What are your thoughts re above?

 

[cptsdfugue]

I do have summer vacation, but it's about to end (yes! I am in the states)

I live at university housing :) I'm just... afraid that going to clubs will end up going nowhere, I hear great things about them but... will I really fit in? I don't have the motivation to do much, but now that I'm finally on track because I'm starting to realize what my problems are and I'm properly medicated, maybe I'll have more energy

The main reason why I don't go to clubs is because I'm always constantly exhausted and I can't keep my eyes open, but I think that's because of my ADHD and now that I have meds I can keep myself awake :)