I have no hope of recovery why cannot just end my life?

[Thefuture]

I guess I have fear of what's next. And God. I just left my house today for the first time in years. I feel like a complete freak and that people can read it all over me. I hate my body. I am going insane being alone all the time but there's no point trying to have friends because I don't know how to be one. Plus I think it's impossible for anyone to like or love me. I've spent years since I was a child alone. I don't even speak well anymore. I'm so afraid.... I think I can hang myself. I try it. I get freaked out. I look at my cat and feel extreme guilt not knowing what will happen to her. My posture is fucked from so much of a solitary life. Heroin was the only reason I felt happiness in years. But it's not sustainable. And being a slave to a drug spending the little disability money I have on it is not worth it. I am ugly. Despised. Extremely sensitive. I feel naked when I leave my house in every sense. Everyone feels like a threat. I just wanna die. God I JUST WANT THE GUTS. IT'S GONNA HAPPENING EVENTEUALLY WHY CAN'T I JUST COMMIT. I'm turning 30 this year. For so long I didn't give a fuck now time is really approaching. Gods warned me I have left than a year left

 

[Crow_88]

We have a lot in common. I really hope we both find the strength to move on from this wretched world.