I have it all but I'm indifferent to living, anyone in the same boat?

[Secrets1]

@nitrogen

I see, thank you for such thoughtful clarification. Fascinating. Look forward to hearing more.

Coming from a business/numbers background I was amazed to learn about the intricacies of life and how it comes together. Only gets more interesting as I keep learning. If only there were less tests... I truly am motivated by the ability to make a difference in such an important role rather than other rewards. It's just a result of age and circumstance though. 15 years ago was a self absorbed smartass. Can't wait to get to med school though and a group of peers with similar aspirations. It will be refreshing to see diverse personalities and how they fit into the system, as well as dispelling some stereotypes my subconscious holds onto about physicians due to the past. I am hardly a traditionalist with traditional hopes. So given all above the system will surely slap the shit out of me along the way too

@LMAO
Your input on dating and men had me cracking up. Many truths lol!! don't think those types are static though. And the other half plays a big role in how men act. It will be different for different partners.

 

[nitrogen]

@MeltingHeart @Lethe @redbull @Stan @Secrets1 @Mr2005
The Kim Jong-un of this site deleted my suicide image&video thread despite 45% SS'ers want to see them. Well, you win! It's pathetic to see people private message me requesting for the material don't even dare to "like" my posts that drew hostility from people who are zealous about keeping the site "tidy and clean".

What was I thinking, most SS'ers still adopt the mainstream values that I never fit into - they just have more life problems and heightened sensitivity and fragility compared to the general public.

This entire world, this SS community are full of hypocrites and political correctness.

A classical example of collective hypocrisy - people enjoy the fruits of Nazi doctors' medical research while condemning the cruel experiments they performed on concentration camp inmates that directly led to those medical breakthroughs. Nazi doctors made the link between asbestos and lung cancer, developed the first high-powered electron microscope, did trauma research with military applications, etc. You think the accurate data we have on human body limitations all come from lab rats and guinea pigs? Don't stand from a moral high ground and pretend you can't be further away from the Nazis or any other groups you despise. Everybody hates the Nazis with a passion, at least from the outside, yeah? Like I pointed out before, the origin of hatred lies in the individual's attempt to disown certain potentialities of the self. It's impossible to expurgate unwanted capacities from the self by denying that they exist, so people try to achieve self-acceptance through self-deceit and alienation. PS, there is rarely black and white - it's almost always a spectrum.

The Nobel Laureate James Watson, THE father of DNA, was stripped of his honorary titles over "reprehensible" comments on the link between race and intelligence. He was given the chance to salvage his reputation, but he lived his comments down and refused to buckle under the backlash from the general public. It's completely plausible to link race to intelligence. There are many diseases that affect certain racial groups more than others, which is why prenatal genetic screenings are ethnicity-based. Intelligence and many diseases can be largely based on genetic makeup.

"A trendy style of dressing" type of fashion, is mistaken for good design. Well, it turns out, there are moral fashions, too. Dressing oddly gets you laughed at; but violating moral fashions can get you fired, ostracized, imprisoned, killed, etc.

The statements that make people mad are the ones they worry might be believed. I suspect the statements that make people maddest are those they worry might be true. In every period of history, there seems to have been labels that got applied to statements to shoot them down before anyone had a chance to ask if they were true or not, such as "heresy", "indecent", "improper", "inappropriate", "divisive" ,"psychopathic".etc.

What's the moral fashion here on SS? Act and talk as if you're full of compassion and love and just want to help people?

You SS'ers don't want to attract the "wrong crowd" who get off on other people's sufferings, but how different are you from the "wrong crowd"?

"Ohh, your story makes me feel that I'm not alone." Sounds familiar on SS? Let me rephrase this, many of you find peace in or even get off on reading about other people's sufferings, because you feel less threatened about your chance to thrive by realizing there are people who are even more behind. Few people truly like others who fare better than them, unless they want something from those "others". We humans are competitive in nature. The available resources are always limited and never evenly distributed. A good example is the countless wars that humans have waged against each other for millennia are all about fighting for resources and future survival chance. Seeing other people's success can make you feel threatened and insecure because they're taking away the limited resources that could have been available to you. It's always been "survival of the fittest." The "food chain" applies inter-species, and intra-species.

So again, SS is full of hypocrites, who're more comfortable with being ensconced in a community full of equally or more vulnerable and often "unsuccessful" folks than being out in the open with more competitive people. It protects their wounded ego and calms their nerves. I can understand some SS members have contributed hundreds of posts, but there are a few who happen to be the most zealous activists on keeping the site the way it is that have written whopping thousands of posts on this site, it makes me wonder why they spend SO much time here as if they live on this site.

At this point, I'm rambling and venting a bit. I don't care if any of you SS'ers loves me or hates me, it's not like I want to fuck any of you or depend on you for a better life. Approval from you means nothing to me. The reason why I write this post is some people here do find my thoughts provocative and make them think, not because I have to win some arguments or like to patronize people. I wanted the "Peaceful Pill Handbook", but I don't meet the age requirement, so I came to SS for instructions on the suicide methods, not for seeking friendships. I've been spending more time on the site than I'd like. I need to wean off this site.

With that being said, @Stan Despite the not-so-friendly posts we exchanged on my deleted thread, I'd like to sincerely thank you for starting that Sodium Nitrite Method mega-thread. I find it very informative, and apparently, you're very intelligent and eloquent. So I do admire you. I don't only like people who agree with me - they're boring.

@Sunshine If one day you need surgeries, do you prefer your surgeon to wince at the sight of your wounds/lesions, shed a few tears of empathy, cover up his/her face with a hand and peek through the fingers while operating on you? Or do you want a surgeon who enjoys what he does and emotionally undisturbed by the sight of however gruesome wounds you have so that he/she can think clearly and act quickly?

Surgeons' competencies are mainly measured by their surgical skills, practical application of medical knowledge, coolheadedness; not on the amount of estrogen that runs through their system, how well they assimilate to the "normal" people. Using an analogy I've used before on my deleted thread, when you pick a P.O.R.N video to watch, the only thing you care about is how quickly it makes you C.U.M, do you also care about whether the producer's intention of making the videos include making money out of you, or the welfare of the actors/actresses?

 

[Stan]

With that being said, @Stan Despite the not-so-friendly posts we exchanged on my deleted thread, I'd like to sincerely thank you for starting that Sodium Nitrite Method mega-thread. I find it very informative, and apparently, you're very intelligent and eloquent. So I do admire you. I don't only like people who agree with me - they're boring.

I will take that compliment knowing it was sincere. Thank you.

 

[justwhy?]

@MeltingHeart @Lethe @redbull @Stan @Secrets1 @Mr2005
The Kim Jong-un of this site deleted my suicide image&video thread despite 45% SS'ers want to see them. Well, you win! It's pathetic to see people private message me requesting for the material don't even dare to "like" my posts that drew hostility from people who are zealous about keeping the site "tidy and clean".

What was I thinking, most SS'ers still adopt the mainstream values that I never fit into - they just have more life problems and heightened sensitivity and fragility compared to the general public.

This entire world, this SS community are full of hypocrites and political correctness.

A classical example of collective hypocrisy - people enjoy the fruits of Nazi doctors' medical research while condemning the cruel experiments they performed on concentration camp inmates that directly led to those medical breakthroughs. Nazi doctors made the link between asbestos and lung cancer, developed the first high-powered electron microscope, did trauma research with military applications, etc. You think the accurate data we have on human body limitations all come from lab rats and guinea pigs? Don't stand from a moral high ground and pretend you can't be further away from the Nazis or any other groups you despise. Everybody hates the Nazis with a passion, at least from the outside, yeah? Like I pointed out before, the origin of hatred lies in the individual's attempt to disown certain potentialities of the self. It's impossible to expurgate unwanted capacities from the self by denying that they exist, so people try to achieve self-acceptance through self-deceit and alienation. PS, there is rarely black and white - it's almost always a spectrum.

The Nobel Laureate James Watson, THE father of DNA, was stripped of his honorary titles over "reprehensible" comments on the link between race and intelligence. He was given the chance to salvage his reputation, but he lived his comments down and refused to buckle under the backlash from the general public. It's completely plausible to link race to intelligence. There are many diseases that affect certain racial groups more than others, which is why prenatal genetic screenings are ethnicity-based. Intelligence and many diseases can be largely based on genetic makeup.

"A trendy style of dressing" type of fashion, is mistaken for good design. Well, it turns out, there are moral fashions, too. Dressing oddly gets you laughed at; but violating moral fashions can get you fired, ostracized, imprisoned, killed, etc.

The statements that make people mad are the ones they worry might be believed. I suspect the statements that make people maddest are those they worry might be true. In every period of history, there seems to have been labels that got applied to statements to shoot them down before anyone had a chance to ask if they were true or not, such as "heresy", "indecent", "improper", "inappropriate", "divisive" ,"psychopathic".etc.

What's the moral fashion here on SS? Act and talk as if you're full of compassion and love and just want to help people?

You SS'ers don't want to attract the "wrong crowd" who get off on other people's sufferings, but how different are you from the "wrong crowd"?

"Ohh, your story makes me feel that I'm not alone." Sounds familiar on SS? Let me rephrase this, many of you find peace in or even get off on reading about other people's sufferings, because you feel less threatened about your chance to thrive by realizing there are people who are even more behind. Few people truly like others who fare better than them, unless they want something from those "others". We humans are competitive in nature. The available resources are always limited and never evenly distributed. A good example is the countless wars that humans have waged against each other for millennia are all about fighting for resources and future survival chance. Seeing other people's success can make you feel threatened and insecure because they're taking away the limited resources that could have been available to you. It's always been "survival of the fittest." The "food chain" applies inter-species, and intra-species.

So again, SS is full of hypocrites, who're more comfortable with being ensconced in a community full of equally or more vulnerable and often "unsuccessful" folks than being out in the open with more competitive people. It protects their wounded ego and calms their nerves. I can understand some SS members have contributed hundreds of posts, but there are a few who happen to be the most zealous activists on keeping the site the way it is that have written whopping thousands of posts on this site, it makes me wonder why they spend SO much time here as if they live on this site.

At this point, I'm rambling and venting a bit. I don't care if any of you SS'ers loves me or hates me, it's not like I want to fuck any of you or depend on you for a better life. Approval from you means nothing to me. The reason why I write this post is some people here do find my thoughts provocative and make them think, not because I have to win some arguments or like to patronize people. I wanted the "Peaceful Pill Handbook", but I don't meet the age requirement, so I came to SS for instructions on the suicide methods, not for seeking friendships. I've been spending more time on the site than I'd like. I need to wean off this site.

With that being said, @Stan Despite the not-so-friendly posts we exchanged on my deleted thread, I'd like to sincerely thank you for starting that Sodium Nitrite Method mega-thread. I find it very informative, and apparently, you're very intelligent and eloquent. So I do admire you. I don't only like people who agree with me - they're boring.

@Sunshine If one day you need surgeries, do you prefer your surgeon to wince at the sight of your wounds/lesions, shed a few tears of empathy, cover up his/her face with a hand and peek through the fingers while operating on you? Or do you want a surgeon who enjoys what he does and emotionally undisturbed by the sight of however gruesome wounds you have so that he/she can think clearly and act quickly?

Surgeons' competencies are mainly measured by their surgical skills, practical application of medical knowledge, coolheadedness; not on the amount of estrogen that runs through their system, how well they assimilate to the "normal" people. Using an analogy I've used before on my deleted thread, when you pick a P.O.R.N video to watch, the only thing you care about is how quickly it makes you C.U.M, do you also care about whether the producer's intention of making the videos include making money out of you, or the welfare of the actors/actresses?

You might have relinquished Chinese citizenship for American, but this is an hilariously, unapologetically Chinese bit of thinking - you rage against that mediocrity machine ! Honestly I'm almost in tears lol'ing at this.
I can't say disagree with much of it... I too came looking for actionable knowledge, but have softened my stance and embraced the culture a little since then. You have far more (it seems in all ways) than most here and may not need the ego soothing comfort of approval and lowly company, but many clearly do. If a soft and washy atmosphere is needed to facilitate that then perhaps it's a price worth paying. Or you could join forces with @Santiago to fight for a restructuring of the site so as to keep the emotionally incontinent blubberings of the lessers away from your steely gaze !

 

[Santiago]

You might have relinquished Chinese citizenship for American, but this is an hilariously, unapologetically Chinese bit of thinking - you rage against that mediocrity machine ! Honestly I'm almost in tears lol'ing at this.
I can't say disagree with much of it... I too came looking for actionable knowledge, but have softened my stance and embraced the culture a little since then. You have far more (it seems in all ways) than most here and may not need the ego soothing comfort of approval and lowly company, but many clearly do. If a soft and washy atmosphere is needed to facilitate that then perhaps it's a price worth paying. Or you could join forces with @Santiago to fight for a restructuring of the site so as to keep the emotionally incontinent blubberings of the lessers away from your steely gaze !

Keep my name out of it.

 

[justwhy?]

Keep my name out of it.

^^^

 

[nitrogen]

You might have relinquished Chinese citizenship for American, but this is an hilariously, unapologetically Chinese bit of thinking - you rage against that mediocrity machine ! Honestly I'm almost in tears lol'ing at this.
I can't say disagree with much of it... I too came looking for actionable knowledge, but have softened my stance and embraced the culture a little since then. You have far more (it seems in all ways) than most here and may not need the ego soothing comfort of approval and lowly company, but many clearly do. If a soft and washy atmosphere is needed to facilitate that then perhaps it's a price worth paying. Or you could join forces with @Santiago to fight for a restructuring of the site so as to keep the emotionally incontinent blubberings of the lessers away from your steely gaze !

I suppose we're all subscribed to a way of thinking and living despite how hard we try to think outside the box. I'm no exception. You have that rare talent of getting your thoughtful points across with humility and articulation without offending anyone.

I have zero interest in fighting for a restructuring of the site. I have better things to do in life that gives me more pleasure.

 

[Santiago]

^^^

Right. Responding with emojis. I don't even know who you are and never seen you around, but I guess that already tells me what kind of person I am dealing with. Have a nice day kiddo.

 

[justwhy?]

Right. Responding with emojis. I don't even know who you are and never seen you around, but I guess that already tells me what kind of person I am dealing with. Have a nice day kiddo.

Then you might wanna take some nootropics for that sieve like memory m8. If you hadn't clocked, I'm not laughing at you, but the general discord. Although your scathing tack is amusing.

 

[Mr2005]

@MeltingHeart @Lethe @redbull @Stan @Secrets1 @Mr2005
The Kim Jong-un of this site deleted my suicide image&video thread despite 45% SS'ers want to see them. Well, you win! It's pathetic to see people private message me requesting for the material don't even dare to "like" my posts that drew hostility from people who are zealous about keeping the site "tidy and clean".

What was I thinking, most SS'ers still adopt the mainstream values that I never fit into - they just have more life problems and heightened sensitivity and fragility compared to the general public.

This entire world, this SS community are full of hypocrites and political correctness.

A classical example of collective hypocrisy - people enjoy the fruits of Nazi doctors' medical research while condemning the cruel experiments they performed on concentration camp inmates that directly led to those medical breakthroughs. Nazi doctors made the link between asbestos and lung cancer, developed the first high-powered electron microscope, did trauma research with military applications, etc. You think the accurate data we have on human body limitations all come from lab rats and guinea pigs? Don't stand from a moral high ground and pretend you can't be further away from the Nazis or any other groups you despise. Everybody hates the Nazis with a passion, at least from the outside, yeah? Like I pointed out before, the origin of hatred lies in the individual's attempt to disown certain potentialities of the self. It's impossible to expurgate unwanted capacities from the self by denying that they exist, so people try to achieve self-acceptance through self-deceit and alienation. PS, there is rarely black and white - it's almost always a spectrum.

The Nobel Laureate James Watson, THE father of DNA, was stripped of his honorary titles over "reprehensible" comments on the link between race and intelligence. He was given the chance to salvage his reputation, but he lived his comments down and refused to buckle under the backlash from the general public. It's completely plausible to link race to intelligence. There are many diseases that affect certain racial groups more than others, which is why prenatal genetic screenings are ethnicity-based. Intelligence and many diseases can be largely based on genetic makeup.

"A trendy style of dressing" type of fashion, is mistaken for good design. Well, it turns out, there are moral fashions, too. Dressing oddly gets you laughed at; but violating moral fashions can get you fired, ostracized, imprisoned, killed, etc.

The statements that make people mad are the ones they worry might be believed. I suspect the statements that make people maddest are those they worry might be true. In every period of history, there seems to have been labels that got applied to statements to shoot them down before anyone had a chance to ask if they were true or not, such as "heresy", "indecent", "improper", "inappropriate", "divisive" ,"psychopathic".etc.

What's the moral fashion here on SS? Act and talk as if you're full of compassion and love and just want to help people?

You SS'ers don't want to attract the "wrong crowd" who get off on other people's sufferings, but how different are you from the "wrong crowd"?

"Ohh, your story makes me feel that I'm not alone." Sounds familiar on SS? Let me rephrase this, many of you find peace in or even get off on reading about other people's sufferings, because you feel less threatened about your chance to thrive by realizing there are people who are even more behind. Few people truly like others who fare better than them, unless they want something from those "others". We humans are competitive in nature. The available resources are always limited and never evenly distributed. A good example is the countless wars that humans have waged against each other for millennia are all about fighting for resources and future survival chance. Seeing other people's success can make you feel threatened and insecure because they're taking away the limited resources that could have been available to you. It's always been "survival of the fittest." The "food chain" applies inter-species, and intra-species.

So again, SS is full of hypocrites, who're more comfortable with being ensconced in a community full of equally or more vulnerable and often "unsuccessful" folks than being out in the open with more competitive people. It protects their wounded ego and calms their nerves. I can understand some SS members have contributed hundreds of posts, but there are a few who happen to be the most zealous activists on keeping the site the way it is that have written whopping thousands of posts on this site, it makes me wonder why they spend SO much time here as if they live on this site.

At this point, I'm rambling and venting a bit. I don't care if any of you SS'ers loves me or hates me, it's not like I want to fuck any of you or depend on you for a better life. Approval from you means nothing to me. The reason why I write this post is some people here do find my thoughts provocative and make them think, not because I have to win some arguments or like to patronize people. I wanted the "Peaceful Pill Handbook", but I don't meet the age requirement, so I came to SS for instructions on the suicide methods, not for seeking friendships. I've been spending more time on the site than I'd like. I need to wean off this site.

With that being said, @Stan Despite the not-so-friendly posts we exchanged on my deleted thread, I'd like to sincerely thank you for starting that Sodium Nitrite Method mega-thread. I find it very informative, and apparently, you're very intelligent and eloquent. So I do admire you. I don't only like people who agree with me - they're boring.

@Sunshine If one day you need surgeries, do you prefer your surgeon to wince at the sight of your wounds/lesions, shed a few tears of empathy, cover up his/her face with a hand and peek through the fingers while operating on you? Or do you want a surgeon who enjoys what he does and emotionally undisturbed by the sight of however gruesome wounds you have so that he/she can think clearly and act quickly?

Surgeons' competencies are mainly measured by their surgical skills, practical application of medical knowledge, coolheadedness; not on the amount of estrogen that runs through their system, how well they assimilate to the "normal" people. Using an analogy I've used before on my deleted thread, when you pick a P.O.R.N video to watch, the only thing you care about is how quickly it makes you C.U.M, do you also care about whether the producer's intention of making the videos include making money out of you, or the welfare of the actors/actresses?

How'd it get onto this again? I must say you guys sure can talk. I'm slightly envious of your abilities

 

[Secrets1]

How'd it get onto this again? I must say you guys sure can talk. I'm slightly envious of your abilities

Self validation + habits. Oh well, is honestly disappointing

 

[nitrogen]

In one of your recent posts, you wrote something so astute --something like, "We all need a self image with which we can live." Something like that. You said it much better,

I love a guy on this site, but I'm too poor to be with him. And, even if I had the money to buy his love, he doesn't even love me.

I am torn between needing to get the EFF out of S. Carolina and my parents' home (i.e., not wanting to put down more roots) and being lonely, uninspired, crushingly poor, and twitching for distraction in the present.

The other SS'er whom I like lives overseas. I met him once when he visited the U.S. We've known each other since late August. I am a older than he is and I guess I thought because of the way we met (e.g., through a suicide website), we could have a non-traditional relationship, and I could be on the fast track to wife- and motherhood without waiting a million years for dudes to see if they liked me. Neither of us is in a position to float the other one,

@azucaramargo Most people lack self-approval, aka, they haven't developed a self-image that they can believe is both accurate AND acceptable. Since they lack or haven't figure out the techniques to attain true self-acceptance, they instead seek good opinions on themselves from other people for self-approval, they attempt to present themselves to others in an appealing way. They easily get caught up in such quests so they're unable to see an honest reflection of themselves, they're easily affected by other people's opinions on them, they follow the mainstream values even if they disagree. Perhaps the biggest irony is that, unconsciously, they don't even believe those "compliments" from others are genuine and should be given full credit, because they know those compliments and approvals are only based on the distorted self-image or only their most flattering angle they try so hard to present on the outside.

Most SS'ers come to the site to seek supportive relationships rather than candid relationships, and only the open and candid relationship/friendships can contribute to true self-acceptance. PS, I'm not talking about open discussions or censorship; I'm talking about interpersonal relationships.

Even hiding behind anonymity, most SS'ers still put forward only those qualities that they feel are beyond reproach, and try to conceal the parts of themselves that they fear are unacceptable, aka, violating the "moral fashion" that I mentioned in a previous post. Example of the consequence of violating the moral fashion on SS and not thinking like a "typical, average, normal" person: me being compared with serial killer/rapist clown.

A lot of people come to sites like SS to seek a flattering mirror rather than an honest one. Like teenage girls, try on new dressing style, figures of speech, gestures,etc; they pose before their mirror and BFF, asking, "How do I look?" They are actually more interested in enthusiastic approval rather than honest answers. They not only solicit approval and support but also trade them - reciprocation is expected. Adults do so in a less "immature" manner, but essentially the same dynamics at play.

When a group of people seeks only supportive relationships, a tacit agreement among them is created - they say nothing to hurt each other's feelings or embarrass each other, aka, be nice, compliant and empathetic. This implicit and automatically adopted "pact" inevitably rules out the candor and openness which could enable the SS'ers to refine their self-images. This practice is at best a palliative for feelings of inadequacy. When this "pact" is violated, previously established rapport or bonds risk dissolving acrimoniously and immediately.

Some SS'ers might even feel emotionally dependent on some people they find on this site, but they don't necessarily enjoy each other. Just like teenage girls, while they may be miserable apart, they're often bored and listless when together.

Another rather pathetic thing that many SS members do - they seek out folks who reflect on their failings and life problems from a favorable angle because those folks share them. They want their dubious beliefs, judgments, and behaviors to be justified and dignified by folks who have in common with them.

What point or conclusion am I trying to reach? Don't expect to gain deep insights on yourself or high-quality relationships/friendships from SS, or any other sites with similar nature. The so-called "havens where compassion and empathy still have a foothold in this world" might only exist on Pandora - too idealistic for earth.

On a separate subject, don't give too much credit to people who "bring out the best in you" or "light up your life." Often times, people need a recipient or recipients for their actions in order to act on their potentials, and they likely aren't aware that they have those potentials. They might deprive themselves of countless opportunities because they assume their potentials can only be elicited by others. They don't realize they can act on the capacities or potentials within themselves at will with almost anyone as the recipient.

In addition, no need to cling possessively to those people. Say you've been following a restricted pattern of living and thinking. Then you find a man, who makes you explore new activities, step out of your comfort zone, and your life becomes more exciting than before. You might assume this guy is THE cause of your newfound joy in life, THE source of your enjoyment. If something happens and the relationship doesn't work out, you'll likely mourn the loss and slip back into that restricted pattern and old lifestyle - this doesn't have to happen. It could be that the guy was just a catalyst that drew out the capacities or potentials that have always been inside you - you can continue that new lifestyle if you want.

@justwhy? I don't think I'm raging against the mediocrity machines. I'm just making observations that may be too painful to read for the boring normal people under self-deceit.

@LMFAO FOCKERS Nice chatting with you too.

OP do you happen to be a sociopath or have tendencies? You mention things like not being able to truly feel for your kid and just pretend, playing with roadkill and ripping off crab legs as a child.

Cutting open people is like opening a Christmas present. Prepping them for surgery is like untying the bow; breaking the skin is like ripping off the wrapping paper; penetrating through the abdominal wall is like opening up the box; seeing the internal organs is like seeing the present inside the box.

• Despite generally disliking people, do you like helping them, A little on where I'm coming from... 35 male hope to start med school in a year or 2 to become a psychiatrist.

The "desire to help people" alone is usually not enough for a lifelong dedication to medicine. The grueling long work hours, lack of work-life balance, the pressure to perform, seeing the darkest sides of human nature, and most importantly, the realization that many patients' conditions are direct results of their own stupidity and irresponsibility, the initial emotional drive can easily dissipate, and be replaced by cynicism and self-doubt.

A true passion for medical science and the human body will.

 

[Secrets1]

@nitrogen

No question. The system generally doesn't bring out the best in practitioners. Contrary to the view you're portraying, I think there is an over abundance of clinician overconfidence just because they completed medical school while a patient hasn't. The #'s aren't pretty for physician competency relative to the respect they expect. De facto finger pointing because a doc doesn't have an answer is over the moon troublesome. Hard science reproves it every day. In many cases the same ego driven markers of success that created a "capable" physician lead to disastrous results. This is so frustrating to see while understanding potential consequences for patients, such as polypharmacy and permanent biochemical changes. Other times the field is pushed forward, sure. It's a delicate balance, very very grey. Not enough physicians acknowledge it at tremendous cost. An organisms ability to cooperate has been just as important to survival through the ages as conquering competition.

But hey, I am no traditionalist. Will try towing the line to obtain my MD and take a unique path once that's finished. I am not attached to the allopathic culture, only the opportunities it offers in the US. Have given tons of thought to creating a sustainable role for myself. It is quite sound. Making it there is the only question mark. Dont know if my body will hold up.

Along these lines, related to your situation (and mine), that process to get there trains us to activate our brains and overthink in a way humans weren't meant to do. I went to an all encompassing boarding school as well, this starts young. The activity and stress creates mayhem for our biological systems. From my perspective it seems this pattern would logically play a role in trouble to connect with your daughter, other people, and resulting pain. Devaluation as a coping mechanism has limited returns. Since you aren't planning to CTB right now, it might be worth exploring in therapy. I don't know but believe your issues can be improved. I hope so.

From experience, living in hyper stimulated state of mind with constant analysis made it quite difficult for me to really connect with others and enjoy my life experience. It's what I am most afraid of regarding med school. Also a subject I'm eager to discuss with people who have been there. I think the alternative is a better route in the long run for any organism. Especially those who advise the rest of the population on health and wellness.

 

[nitrogen]

Genetic predisposition is a hell of an opponent. Always wondered why my mind jumped to suicide whenever anything went wrong since I was a little kid. Lifetime of conditioning... Would be surprised if you don't know but my newish neuroscience textbook cited a specific gene linked to completed suicides.

Dealt with depression most of my life... sexual trauma at young age and again at 29 by a doctor who had prescribed me to 9 (ugh) different medications at the time. A few months ago had a car accident due to fainting while driving. Got 2nd serious concussion bringing me back to depression and suicidal infatuation for the 1st time in 5 years.

Wow. I'm sorry to hear about all the traumas you've been through, especially on top of that genetic predisposition for depression and suicide. It's a little shocking to hear about that doc prey on mature adult males - you'd think they prefer to choose juvenile victims who're more vulnerable and easily intimidated.

The system generally doesn't bring out the best in practitioners. Contrary to the view you're portraying, I think there is an over abundance of clinician overconfidence just because they completed medical school while a patient hasn't. The #'s aren't pretty for physician competency relative to the respect they expect.

My body barely held up during med school due to extreme insomnia. For some nights, I couldn't fall asleep AT ALL. Those over the counter sleeping pills with "maximum strength" printed on the boxes did nothing. I got so frustrated once, gobbled down 20 melatonin pills, guess what happened - stayed awake all night.

You're right that docs have the tendency of developing overconfidence and that condescending attitude toward people whom they deem as their intellectual inferior, in part because they're constantly conditioned to do so both in med school and at work. I wasn't immune.

Med school class size is much smaller than undergrad class, and the med students take the same courses together. So after the first semester, you'll know where each classmate stands on the academic ability hierarchy.

Since you have to rely heavily on peers to practice your clinical skills and test your medical knowledge, share study materials, you want to pick equally competent or even more competent study partners. You also have to break into small groups to do role plays, labs, discussion sessions, presentations, group projects. Most of the time, the profs let the students form their own groups. What ends up happening is, the top-performing students bundle together to form the "power groups." The "chain of disdain" is established. Profs and TAs play favoritism. Some are obviously nonchalant toward the mediocre students. Some profs extend invitation to top students to aid in revising the books they've written and publish review articles, so the top students get more ahead when it comes to applying for residency.

Power hierarchies in healthcare organizations based on educational level and job title are well established.

I'm sorry if I offended you with my comments on psychiatrists in post#54. It's a stereotypical generalization.

USMLEs (especially step1 and 2) focus on testing academic prowess, with much less emphasis on other qualities required to make truly great physicians, such as interpersonal skills, attentive listening, keeping an open mind, etc. That played in my favor since I lack those soft qualities.

A little on where I'm coming from... 35 male hope to start med school in a year or 2 to become a psychiatrist.

I admire your ambition and courage to embark on a challenging yet highly rewarding journey. My mental agility has been declining considerably over the last couple of years ( I hit 31 y/o last month); memory also deteriorating - probably due to the brain damage I suffered from that alcohol poisoning incident or just plain old aging effects. Insomnia still plagues me from time to time. I doubt my body and mind would hold through med school if I were to start now. You might be in a much better place than I am.

Coming from a business/numbers background I was amazed to learn about the intricacies of life and how it comes together.

Looking at starting to study for MCAT again but don't know if my body will hold up to med school and come out the other side as the healer I want to be.

How much of the basic science stuff from college do you remember for the MCAT?

The biggest mistake I made for my med school application was replying on MCAT test prep courses.

Since you aren't planning to CTB right now, it might be worth exploring in therapy.

I started therapy last week. The therapist wants me to do DBT sessions. The guy used to do psychotherapy at maximum-security prisons, lol.

 

[azucaramargo]

The Kim Jong-un of this site

Hahahahahahahaha

I wish I were the Kim Jong-un of something! (my own life, perhaps? )

 

[Secrets1]

@nitrogen


Appreciate the thoughtful response, insights and advice. Thank youSorry for my delay, busy weekend.

The 1st 2 years will be my make or break. I think my ability to deal with the lack is sleep at this age while maintaining performance will be THE deciding factor.

I took 1 science class during undergrad so returned to school a few years ago to take all the med school prereqs + psych and neuroscience. Overloaded my life during certain semesters which was probably a good preview of challenges med school will present. I felt being older... That is great advice about studying and groups. Can see how it will make a huge difference.

I am not worried about the academic hierarchy in regards to residency. I get the psychiatry stereotype, no need to apologize. Some of its been self inflicted by influential egos in that field but I dismiss the stereotype anyways as a flawed, trained way of thinking you wouldn't see as often in the business world (although cliquish behavior and resulting poor stereotypes exist everywhere). As alluded, I think you could also call the "competition gap" a suitability gap. My area of interest is such a niche as is my background and once i get closer to the real world that should matter more. As long as the USMLE's go ok I expect the people I want to work with will have mutual interest. It's doable but the day to day academic rigors will be a tall task given my personal makeup.

DBT should be quite helpful as a modality, so is MBT (my personal favorite at the moment), CBT or hybrids. More importantly than the type of therapy you undergo is the therapeutic relationship that is built amongst you and your team. Research supports this. I would want to make sure I feel connected to my therapist before starting a long commitment for treatment. I think recommending DBT is a good sign based on the little info I know but you need to feel some type of positive connection and trust in him. In many cases trust must be cemented between therapist and patient before deep healing will happen. So don't think there's a need to rush to start dbt until you confidently find the right team to facilitate it. Imagine that's very doable in your area. I wish you good luck with it.

 

[nitrogen]

@Secrets1 If you can get into a US med school, you should be able to handle the academic rigor and pass all the USMLEs with no struggle. The shock that some students face in med school has more to do with them realizing despite them being the top of their undergrad class, they're bottom feeders in med school; it has less to do with them feeling anxious about not being able to complete the program.

I was able to finish studying by 10pm every day. I went to bed around 10:30pm and got up at 6:30am. The lack of time to sleep wasn't the issue. I could have gotten 8 hrs of sleep per day if I did not suffer from insomnia.

Some issues I have seem to have gradually emerged after my alcohol poisoning incident. I also developed dyslexia besides insomnia.

A few of my classmates were able to take 10-minute naps in between classes. I was so jealous and often glared at them like this when they snored:



Kaplan MCAT prep courses were neat in the way that they come with subject review books that condense all the knowledge points you need for the MCAT. Reviewing or restudying notes from college prerequisite science courses is a waste of time and redundant. The Kaplan online practice exams are nice but more focused on honing critical thinking skills for the science sections, less focused on reading comprehension - what I needed was the opposite training, unfortunately, especially with my dyslexia and English being my second language.

Some of its been self inflicted by influential egos in that field but I dismiss the stereotype anyways as a flawed, trained way of thinking you wouldn't see as often in the business world (although cliquish behavior and resulting poor stereotypes exist everywhere)

Agree. Even each study group in med school comes with its own cliquey behaviors. Mine included making jokes on cadavers, patients, cursing each other as bonding moments, viewing gore pics during lunch. My study buddies are now practicing surgeons and one medical examiner. I can see myself turning into a total snob if I stayed in that system longer. My husband is actually not impressed by doctors (his father is a dermatologist). He says they're not really the smartest people but have the biggest ego.

My area of interest is such a niche as is my background and once i get closer to the real world that should matter more.

What's your area of interest?

 

[Guizin239]

this makes me angry and i wish i had never come across your thread

 

[nitrogen]

this makes me angry and i wish i had never come across your thread

What makes you angry? Reasons for feeling angry? I'm all ears.

 

[nitrogen]

this makes me angry and i wish i had never come across your thread

@Guizin239 Ohh I see why my thread makes you angry, perhaps especially posts #92 and #102. I"m actually not very happy, mostly indifference, hollowness and this "whatever" attitude, constantly contemplating CTB from a risk management perspective. I'm sorry about your current situation. You seem to be a very lonely and depressed person. Good thing you're seeing a therapist and a shrink. PS, realizing and facing your "flaws" is a big step towards healing. I'm glad you get some social interactions on SS, though not everything on the site is what you like to read. I hope you find peace and wish you success no matter what decisions you make. Hugs.

 

[XXX]

I have been volunteering in El Salvador (mind you with animals, not humans), lived and traveled in third world countries, seen suffering. It makes me *more* miserable because on the whole, I can't do anything about it and it's awful and unfair. The happiest I have been was volunteering at really tough circumstances, working hard (again, for animals) - that's because I was considered tough, reliable and capable and lived up to the expectations (needless to say, I didn't inform them about my mental diagnosis). And because I felt I can do *something* about it.

Really, been exposing to the suffering of people with "real" problems don't help, like, at all when you suffer from identity based, existential problems. If anything, it can make you feel guilty. (I am beyond that - the hindu and Buddhists have a word for this kind of existential suffering - dukha. It's a thing.)

This is a place where I don't expect to be told that your suffering isn't "enough"! I understand the OP extremely well - have many similar feelings.

 

[nitrogen]

@XXX There has never been equality, fairness, and true freedom in this world, and will never be - a big part of that is completely out of each individual's control. The Buddhists try to explain that with karmic retribution. Who knows, maybe people living crappy lives did bad things in their past lives and karma is catching up to them, or maybe they just lost the genetic lottery, lost the birth lottery, or odds have not been in their favor.

There's no happily ever after, but may be suffering ever after. The whole "setup" may be an infinite loop - death may not be the end of it, but rather a reset button. During each lifetime, nobody can escape the Dukha that you mentioned, the fundamental unsatisfactoriness and painfulness of mundane life. People on this site talk about CTB as if it's the ultimate solution of ending their misery, I'm really not so sure about that, given the disturbing results of the UVA School of Medicine extensive research on reincarnation and some other cutting edge scientific research in the field of cognitive science and physics.

The pain that people go through is to be expected - doesn't shock or touch me.

 

[MissNietzsche]

I suffer from existential depression, and I'm really glad that Robin William's death caused the media to actually spread some light on the condition. It's finally starting to become accepted as a legitimate problem, and it definitely wasn't like that before he died (It was almost unheard of on the internet when I first tried looking it up).

 

[nitrogen]

I suffer from existential depression

@MissNietzsche The people suffering from existential crisis seem to be searching for the red pill from the Matrix movie.

 

[MissNietzsche]

@MissNietzsche The people suffering from existential crisis seem to be searching for the red pill from the Matrix movie.
View attachment 20102

to be fair, I am part of the red pill community on Reddit hahah (though, that has to do with dating and nothing else, rip)

 

[XXX]

The Buddhists and Hindu consider dukha a fortunate thing (or rather, becoming aware of it). Because it spurs the quest for enlightenment. That's what happened to Buddha himself. Last 9 years or so I have been more or less motivated by spiritual growth - and the possibility of becoming boddhisattva. That is, you are enlightened and don't have to be born again any more, but you choose to do so out of compassion for all that suffer, so you can help them.

Now I'm just like meh, whatever. Give me another mind-body complex and I'll try again. Indeed, I kind of think of death as respite or reset.

 

[dedalus1238900]

I always liked the phrase "what do you need after happiness, more happiness" and the more you succeed sometime you start to chase external usually vices to keep it up and eventually you realize you're self destructing because as someone else said you hit a ceiling going from a 9 to a 9.5 is much harder than a 3 to a 6. Eventually it catches up with you and you would trade the world for that 6 and stepping back realising how good you had it but for me that drive to get to that 9 does not step back and be content so you are prone to want to go push for more and that which leads somee to success or happiness ultimately is their undoing.

 

[nitrogen]

Last 9 years or so I have been more or less motivated by spiritual growth - and the possibility of becoming boddhisattva.

@XXX Haha. Becoming boddhisattva is quite an ambition! I've never heard of anyone except Buddha himself having reached nirvana. There're some monks who've successfully pulled off "self-mummification", and get worshipped in temples for generations. The Sadhus, especially Aghoris are nuts - if by eating rotten human corpses raw or burnt, eating one's own poo-poo, twisting dick on a stick, etc can bring enlightenment and escape reincarnation, I guess I'd rather be stuck in this infinite loop.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Girl you need to experience real life suffering.

Trust me, if you do, you will go back to your cocoon never to complain again.

No she doesn't. Why would you wish this on someone? Shes allowed to feel how she wants. Thank the lord she hasn't experienced what mist of us on this site do. NOBODY deserves it. I wouldn't wish my brain on a soul in this world. that was a really mean thing to say

 

[XXX]

Yeah I didn't reckon I'd become boddhisattva in *this* life :D But start aiming for it. I'm a Shiva follower (after a fashion, I'm not an Indian but the god speaks to me) so I am familiar with Aghori and other extreme tantric sects. I think they definitely have a point but maybe go too far with it. Buddha, on the other hand, always recommends moderation. Shiva is more for wild extremes - my kind of guy.

I think if there are enlightened beings among us they won't tell anyone. Either they won't be believed, or if they will be, they'll be followed blindly and admired unhealthily. I know I wouldn't tell!